BoldUlysses.com

The sun is gone again as it’s a bit overcast, but the breeze feels cool and wonderful.

Got my first paycheck today as a permanent employee… Ouch. Quite a pay cut from being a staff freelancer, but I’ll make it. A few economies may be in order, though. I have half a mind to search for freelance jobs elsewhere. It’s not like I don’t have enough contacts–I couldn’t even mention all the flyers and ads and t-shirts and whatnot in the past year that I’ve done for friends for free. Not like I’d start charging them, but I could let on that I DO do freelance work. I think I need to scare up some business cards and crank out a webpage. Yeah.

I’m growing a thin beard, just to be a little experimental. I’ve grown gotees in the past, and liked them by and large, but I’ve not grown an actual beard since 1997, senior year of high school, when the director of a play I was in encouraged me to so that I’d fit my role better (Duke Orsino in Twelfth Night). So we’ll see how this goes.

The sun is SHINING in my open window here at work. I can hear the birds outside and feel the breeze on my arms. Winter was worth this.

This is the perfect soundtrack for today… I’ve never experienced such a close kinship between the music playing and the day outside. It’s ideal, pristine, lovely, golden… The notes embrace me and soften my regard. I feel close to the day, and somehow things don’t matter as much anymore, at least for a little while. It’s perfect.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last entry. The encouragement really means a lot… Although they might seem shallow or trivial to others, words means a lot to me, so when someone sincerely pays me a compliment or encourages me, it counts for a lot. The same works in the other direction, of course, but there are certain things I’ve had to adapt to as far as societal interaction so that every little negative word doesn’t get to me. In any case, thank you :o)

Yesterday afternoon and evening were low-key. I went for a run as soon as I arrived home to try to de-stress some, but since I had to push-start the car leaving work, my legs were a bit worn out from the get-go, and it ended up being quite the arduous ordeal. It was good for me, though. Other than that it was just a gradual winding down into sleep, although if I manage to get to bed before 1 at least one night this week I’ll be happy…

And now for something completely different… Work?

I am about to lose it. Or was, half an hour ago… I went back to the DMV for the third time and was turned away from getting the stupid car registered by what (in my mind) were the most infinitesimal technicalities. I hate red tape, and I’m beginning to hate this car. It’s been the bane of my existence every since I got it (there’s that stupid expression again). If I hadn’t bought it, I’d have one less car to worry about, more money, and (possibly) more motivation to finish up the Supra.

I left the DMV in a daze of frustration and stumbled across the parking lot to Harris Teeter to pick up some food, since I hadn’t had breakfast, but oddly wasn’t feeling that hungry. I stood in front of the magazine rack, where I go sometimes before I grab my food, and just imploded. Outwardly you wouldn’t have been able to tell (perhaps), but I felt like a shell after five minutes as my mind recapitulated over and over everything that I was stressed about… Old insecurities even came up, things I thought I had conquered… It’s like my coping mechanisms completely broke down, just standing there.

I still don’t know quite where I am inside after that, or what’s going on in general… If you asked me how I felt I wouldn’t respond I don’t know, but after a few minutes things might start to come out; I don’t know. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know… Gahh.

Jeremy canceled the youth leaders’ meeting tonight because he’s exhausted and his wife is ill. Normally I feel a bit of a sense of relief since it’s more free time for me, but of all the evenings when I could have used people around me, this is it, I think. I’ll figure something out, though. God hasn’t left me; I know… This is all happening for a reason, but–gosh. I’m stunned, dazed.

Was about to head out this morning, and I couldn’t find my car keys. I keep them separate from my house keys, well, at least able to be detached from the bulk of the keys so I can drive without my whole keychain clattering around under the ignition switch. Most days I reattach the two halves as soon as I reach the apartment, so I can find them easily when I need to head out again. But this morning the car key half was nowhere to be found. I scoured high and low, wasting about 15 minutes, making me late. And guess where they turned up? In the freaking ignition to the car! Just dangling there out in the public parking lot for the apartment complex, happy as you please. I mean, who does this? Who forgets their keys in the ignition? No human with an inkling, a modicum of social responsibility I know. I can’t believe myself some days.

And of course I left the keys in the “on” position, so the car’s battery was dead. So I drove the Audi, with expired tags, and prayed that a cop wouldn’t come up on my bumper during my drive to work. I’m trying to get the title signed correctly so I can get the freaking car registered, but the previous owner is persistently AWOL. I guess he just doesn’t want to deal with it any more.

I’m tired of this crap. Not to mention just tired to boot. I’m tired of coming home to no one but my roommates, great as they are, tired of this perpetual tightness that runs across my neck, tired of the way I can never seem to get to bed before 1, tired of the bills that pile up, tired of the way it seems some days it’s all I can do to keep my head above the waterline, to say nothing of pursuing my destiny, tired of owning three cars that don’t run properly and embarass me while driving with clouds of smoke emanating from the tailpipe or sputtering and shaking, etc… Tired of a lot of things. Tired of life, mainly.

But you know what? I have enough money for the things that I need, like food and a roof. I’m completely financially indepedent from my parents. And between three temperamental cars, I make it places. And while in conversation I may not always delve into the core reasons and deeper elements that assail me sometimes, I have great friends that I can be myself around. So I’m blessed in lots of ways, when it comes down to it.

question du jour
What automotive makes are you partial to, and why?

I think it goes a bit beyond the domestic/import question into our own personal experiences as gearheads and shadetree mechanics.

So speak from your own experience, giving rational reasons why you favor or dislike a certain brand. Something they always seem to do? A way that a dealer’s treated you? The way a car is put together? Or maybe you were a fan of a certain brand until you owned a car of theirs that really let you down. Let’s hear it, in context of brand loyalty (or disloyalty). Maybe you’ve not had experience with more than one make–do you find things you think could have been done better, objectively?

I don’t wanna hear, “Well, my pop says all _____ are crap, so I agree with that,” or such like. Real reasons.

I’ll always be partial to Toyota. The cars seem designed with a certain intelligence in mind–everything is screwed or bolted together securely, not snapped, and quality (in my mind) aluminum is used instead of plastic in many cases. Most simple repairs are just that–simple. It’s as if the engineers consciously thought of what would have to be replaced in relatively short intervals, and made those bits more accessible. All bolts and nuts are either 10, 12, 14, or 17 mm, which makes repairs quicker without the guesswork, and instead of things being done half-assed (i.e. wiring harness routed too close to exhaust manifold, so wrapped in flimsy heat shield), they’re done right (wiring harness re-routed completely to avoid conflict).

This stands in contrast to my experiences working on Fords. I’ve singlehandedly done an engine replacement in a Taurus wagon and a transmission swap in a Foxbody Mustang. Most bits are well-designed, but many simple, simple parts require disassembling half the engine bay to access, and I’ve seen more than one item simply screwed into the sheet metal of the engine bay wall without a nut welded onto the other side of the metal–so guess what happens when you overtighten just a hair (as is easy to do)…

Other observations along brand lines have to do with quality of operation. For example, every GM car I’ve ever driven has had the most abominable turn signal lever I’ve experienced. You flick it one way or another to indicate the direction you’ll be moving, and instead of the pleasing, positive *thunk* I get from a Toyota, the result is the most sickeningly flimsy, plastic *click* imaginable. It just doesn’t speak quality to me. Every Honda I’ve driven has a uniformity among switchgear operation (no play, precise movements) that seems like it would be worth paying extra money for, even if a certain car came with fewer features outright. And finally, every German car (Audi, VW, BMW) that I’ve had the pleasure to drive has had a tautness, a lack of slop, in the suspension that engenders real confidence in the handling and makes them fun to drive.

Maybe I’m just overly picky, but these are the details that shape my experience with a certain make, and influence me greatly (more than anything else, really) when I’m considering another car.

Originally posted here.

Do you ever do the shower dance? You know, right after getting in, when the water’s not scalding hot but still pretty warm, enough so that you can’t just dive right in, so to speak… I feel like I’m playing the hokey-pokey with the stream of water, getting used to the warmth one limb at a time. But it’s nice, especially after a good run in the near-freezing cold. Now for more warmth and blankets and darkness… Goodnight.

Work was officially closed today. But here I am, in the Gazette office, hashing out page 10… *sigh* It’s not too bad. Sometimes I prefer the solitude–I can focus better and goof off more effectively at the same time, if that makes sense.

I had a lot to say, but it’s disappeared. Maybe it’s lunchtime? I’m off to brave the snow… Heh. What a joke.

The Passion of the Christ was unlike any film I’ve ever seen. Technically peerless, but that’s really beside the point of the message of the film, which isn’t so much a message as an account of a sequence of events that speak for themselves. Amazing, though. Go see it.

Edit: Also, read Roger Ebert’s excellent review.

In other news, it might snow again. Anyone in warmer climes willing to put me up for a few days?

The main reason yesterday’s morning was so dismal was I got pulled over on the way to work… It’s a long story, but suffice to say I got cited for driving with expired tags, etc etc… I have a mandatory court date but I should be able to get that taken care of. Regardless, it’s no fun. The rest of the morning went smoothly, though, I received a lot of support (prayer and otherwise) and lunch with Leslie and the rest of the day went pretty well. I even got in a good run last night (I was cruising, too–7:30 miles). I’m dragging today, but that’s okay.

Possibility for another small job to supplement my reduced income. I got wind of a freelance job I could do from my home computer, spending about 10 hours a week doing Quark and Illustrator work. 10 hours is definitely manageable, especially from home, and as a freelancer I could charge considerably more than I’m getting paid here. I’m going to call the contact about that in an hour or so… Pray for favor :o)

Now for an early lunch…

Crap morning, and it’s only 10. Don’t really want to go into detail at the moment… Prayers?

moving shadows in the shape of what you want to see,
painted fingers and the aromatic jean nate,
and when they’re spinning you can see them do the strangest things,
building bridges from the slivers of another’s dream…

Monday mornings are the bane of my existence. Heh. I say that about a large number of things, actually, out of frustration–like when I’m working on the car or some such, “This wire/bolt/hose is the bane of my existence.” I should really find new expressions to convey my aggravation.

There are more things this morning than I know what to do with.

I’ve decided I want to start investing. I’m permanent now; I’m going to receive a fixed paycheck on a biweekly basis, and I want the money to do more than just sit in my checking account.

I have no idea where to start. I’ve dabbled in researching investment in the past, and my eyes always start to water when I read sentences with a lot of financial jargon. Even words like “equity,” “deductible,” and “dividend” I have to think about for a minute before I grasp their meaning and their relation to the words around them–it’s not a natural thing by any means.

But I want to start. I’ve got some life goals, now I need to start structuring my finances more accurately around those goals. Here’s the plan:

• Keep track of finances and work out a budget for at least three months

• In the meantime, learn financial jargon and become fluent in it

• Research avenues (internet, local courses, etc) to learn more about investment options and strategies

• After about three months, decide on a course of action and invest money

For the record, I’m looking at low-to-medium risk investments–it’s not like I’m going to start day trading or anything. But I’m tired of living hand-to-mouth, or seeming to. I’m an expert in things car-related; I know what that feels like. I want to have that same expertise when it comes to financial matters. There was a time when I didn’t even want to get my hands greasy, and now I’ve performed five engine swaps and fixed countless other major peripherals. So I know any present lack of understanding or hesitation can be overcome. I think a big incentive is to actually have money in the system–it would influence me to keep track of it regularly and research things in my spare time. I know that’s how it was with car knowledge–I had a decent theoretical knowledge of automotive matters, but my practical (read: useful) knowledge increased exponentially when I finally had my own ride. Same with money. Hopefully. So…yeah. Gonna do it.

I woke up from a nap about an hour ago, and I had Jabberwocky going through my head… I have NO idea what I dreamed about.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe…

What was going to be a nice little routine computer health checkup has turned into a total machine overhaul and possible upgrade… *sigh* My little G3 tower here at work was giving me a few issues here and there, so I called our (very nice) tech support person to come over and give it the once-over. Well, in the name of “diagnosis,” the computer crashed and we had a bit of a scare earlier when it wouldn’t boot, and I hadn’t backed up everything on my hard drive. But all is well–she’s burning my files to CD as we speak (I’m on Julie’s old machine at the moment so’s I can be reasonably *cough* productive).

Went for a run last night (for the fourth time in a week–go me), and in that head-clearing, deep-thought-provoking idiom that always seems to come over me when I’m running and makes me wish I had a little digital recorder or something so I could remember later the things I think about, or at least the way I think about them, because they’re usually things pressing on my mind in normal routine, and…I forgot how to finish this sentence. In any case, thinking about romantic interests and the possibilities and improbabilities and curiosities, it struck me that in a lot of ways, the way my emotions respond hasn’t changed any since high school, or before. I still do the same things; I’m just more self-aware and can anticipate and (hopefully) deal with things better, although the very nature of these emotions makes it hard to hoist mind over matter sometimes. In particular, I thought about a certain girl that I see from a distance, that I’ve not talked to in quite a while, but who I at least see on a fairly regular basis, and how similar my feelings surrounding that are to a situation in high school, when the lack of shared situations seemed to give my heart and mind license to concoct an ideal, albeit likely fictional, personality for her, and imagined interactions with myself. In other words, I start idealizing now just like I did then, and any chance at normal interaction, should the moment come, is hampered from the get-go by the wall of amassed thoughts about her that would assault me should we strike up a conversation. It’s depressing, really. But it’s almost like I instinctively search out these scenarios–my heart exists in a vacuum of romantic notions for very short periods of time indeed.

But at least I’m self-aware enough to know that it’s idealization. That puts me ahead of the curve, right? Gahh. Who knows.

When we were younger we’d rush home from school to watch afternoon cartoons on television. We were avid viewers of the whole Disney lineup (Talespin, Ducktales, Chip & Dale), mainstays like Transformers and Voltron, and other fare like Tiny Toons and the like… But overall we never watched much TV; in other words, we never spent entire evenings as a family glued to the tube. Occasionally we had shows we’d watch regularly, like Airwolf, Knight Rider, the A-Team, and other classics… (three brothers = ’nuff said)

My most random memory ever comes from watching one of those shows, but it doesn’t have anything to do with the show itself. During a commercial break, in between ads, there was a spot promoting an upcoming episode of an ’80s sitcom called Perfect Strangers. The premise of the show was two brothers (or close friends), raised in different countries, now living in the same flat in some major metropolitan area, and the unlikely situations that ensued from the foreign brother’s hijinks and culturally inappropriate responses to the native brother’s schemes and everyday situations. The basic plot of the promo I saw had to do with the foreign brother, and his newfound passion for the exciting (to him) pastime of competitive sheep-shearing. I don’t know if this “sport” even exists–I believe it does, but they probably invented a good deal of it for the sake of the show. But during a little five-second clip of a scene, the native brother asks his foreign counterpart why he was so into his new hobby, what excited him about it. And without hesitation, in his thick accent, the latter dramatically responded, “But ahh, de thrill of victory, and de agony of de sheep…”

I have no idea why I remember that. I don’t even remember thinking it was particularly funny at the time… Our brains do weird things.

– “Mais non, crétin. Elle est amoureuse.”
– “Mais je la connais même pas.”
– “Mais si, tu la connais.”
– “Depuis quand?”
– “Depuis toujours. Dans tes rêves.”

Watched Amélie again last night (my third time). I love that film… Subtitles off this time, which lent a whole other dimension to the movie, one that I particularly enjoyed, since I wasn’t distracted by the yellow type at the bottom of the screen. It’s a feast of details, color, and sweeping, gradiose shots that are a bit self-indulgent, but no less endearing. The aspect of the film I love most, I think, is that there are moments in it that are poetic without a reason, without overtures of symbolism, but just poetic and beautiful for the sake of their own beauty. I think that’s part of the reason I love Joe Versus the Volcano as much as I do–that same arbitrary poeticism, the fact that I can sit down and ponder all the diverse pieces of supposed symbolism and not arrive at a cohesive theory about their existence in the grand scheme of the movie. The mystery intrigues, all the more because in a lot of ways the mystery seems to exist for its own sake–there may not be an explanation… It’s the “just because” quality of the films that I love.

Orientation here tomorrow, which is going to consume the whole morning. Not looking forward to that, but at least I’ll get details about insurance, gym privileges, time off and whatnot. Gotta do it.

Posting this entry from my parents’ house… Internet at the apartment has been down since mid-afternoon yesterday–Donald called tech support last night and they said they’d be by Tuesday to fix it… Guh. Sucks.

Aaron and I bought the tickets to Europe about half an hour ago. We’re leaving on the 15th of June and returning the 29th. Flying to London, taking the train through the Chunnel to Paris, renting a car from there, driving east through Germany, down through Switzerland and Italy, and then west to Nice, where we’ll bivouac for a little while and branch out from there. Just two weeks overall, but we’ll see what we can make of it. It’s the most I can get off work anyhow–at least as far as I know. It’ll be a good sampler of the continent, I think.

And now it’s snowing again… Go away, snow. We’ve had enough of you.

*sigh*

An email I received today:

Subject: Do you like broccoli?

The UNC-CH Department of Nutrition is looking for healthy adults between the ages of 18-50 years to participate in a study of the metabolism of broccoli. Participation in the study requires two visits to the General Clinical Research Center at UNC Hospitals on two consecutive days. A meal containing broccoli is provided free of charge, and participants may receive up to $40 for study completion.

For more information, please call Denise @ 698-####.

This email is sponsored by: Department of Nutrition

New glasses today!

Your newly-bespectacled scribe.

John borrowed Cowboy Bebop: The Movie last night and I got drawn into watching it. The animation is really stellar, very textured and nuanced, with quite a bit more motion than typical anime fare (which I’m not overly into, I just grew up watching badly dubbed Japanese cartoons after school in France).

I got new glasses today. I’m going to have a good hard look for my digicam when I get back to the apartment, and if I can’t find it I’ll just borrow Donald’s. It’s nice to not have to squint at the screen or while driving any more.

I had a moment of automotive providence in the parking lot of the optometrist’s office over lunch. My car (the Audi) has a peculiar quirk to the fuel system that if you let the car die by itself (bogging accelerating from a standstill, etc), it won’t start for another hour or two. It will crank strongly, but it won’t catch, not even trying. It’s something to do with the fuel pressure in the lines–I have a couple of theories but haven’t ventured to fix it yet. In any case, I walked out of the eye doctor’s office with my new specs on, hopped in the car, and started it. It caught, revved, but died soon thereafter, since I didn’t feather the throttle to “clear the car’s throat” so to speak. So of course it wouldn’t start again and I was stranded in the parking lot, half an hour away from the work I needed to get back to. I tried starting it for a few more minutes but wasn’t making headway, so not (yet) being the owner of a cell phone, I went back inside and called about five people to inquire about the possibility of a ride. Obviously no one picked up, and I didn’t want to leave a message and sit there. I asked the receptionist if I could come back in in five minutes and use the phone again; she generously agreed. I futzed around the car for a minute, tapping the fuel pump and checking the wiring, to no avail. In desperation I consulted the owner’s manual (WITH the car–I didn’t pay $1200 for nothing). There weren’t any troubleshooting procedures that would be of any use, I thought, but the section detailing the fuse box did catch my eye. I decided to try it. Popped the hood, found the fuel pump fuse, and pulled it. Got back in the car, cranked it… It started, but died immediately. I was elated. I got out again, reinserted the fuse, and the car fired right up and settled down to a nice idle. I prayed a quick prayer of thanks and told the receptionist that I wouldn’t be needing to use the phone, and drove back here to work.

It’s nice when things work out like that for a change, instead of the constant automotive frustration that seems to accompany me like a cloud of tailpipe smoke. I thought about the incident on the way home, and how if someone had been with me I probably would have looked like I knew what I was doing when it came to cars… But then I thought, no–If I really knew what I was doing that wouldn’t have happened in the first place, since I would have fixed it weeks ago, and the car wouldn’t be emanating smoke from an over-rich condition and cutting out momentarily around the turns, among other things… So I resigned myself to the fact that my little automotive victory just evened things out and I returned to parity on the scoreboard of mechanical struggles.

It’s been a good day so far.

My cold is clearing up. I think it was just a weekend cold, perhaps? Regardless, I feel less congested, less groggy, more alert and open-eyed, and I’m not reaching for the tissue box quite as often.

The morning was reasonably productive–I finished the mockup for the UNC map pages, although I have a feeling this will be something that’s going to be in the pipeline for a while.

Had lunch with two of my pastors, talking about my plans to go for missionary pilot school in the fall. I had drawn up a draft of a prayer support letter (read it here) and brought that along with a prospective timeline and some details about the financial aspect of things. They were amazingly supportive and said they saw a lot of things “converging” in my life around this dream of mine. According to Jim, I was probably the most organized person who had come to them to discuss the possibility of missions… I certainly didn’t feel it, sweating bullets from nervousness (for no reason I could figure out) and only having thrown a few fact sheets together. But it went well. It fit into the church’s plan as far as missions, too… I’m going to be one of the first “support” missionaries to be affiliated with our group of churches (a support missionary being one who isn’t involved on the “front line” of ministering to people, but working in a servant capacity, more or less behind the scenes). I think this is the time… I ran my prayer letter draft by my parents last night and received back possibly the best email I’ve ever gotten from them, expressing how they were behind me 100% and that they felt it was God’s timing as well…

So I’m in a bit of a glow at the moment. Now to harness the positive energy into a measure of productivity…

je suis là, sans toi.

Fitful sleep last night… I had slept a good eight hours on Sunday night, and took a two-hour nap (much needed) yesterday, so on top of the illness it was doubly hard to get to sleep. Tossed and turned when I did, too. Don’t remember the specifics of what I dreamed about, but they were the frantic, off and on dreams, like a stone skipping on the surface of sleep… Not much fun.

But I’m here. It’s my first day as a “permanent” employee, so I made an extra effort to get here a little earlier than 8. I think the routine and consistency will be good for me–one less thing to stress about (and yes, it is stressful to not feel like you’re being a good employee–well, at least it is for me).

Found myself singing “Complainte de la Butte” this morning on the way to work, in between bites of peanut butter muffin halves. Dunno why.

et dans ta caresse
je sens une ivresse
qui m’anéantit

I think I’m getting my yearly cold… I have a runny nose and I can’t find the dumb tissue box anywhere in the apartment. I should really be in bed.

Youth group earlier tonight was good. Jeremy and Tiffanee spoke on the always-touchy (pun not intended) subject of relationships, specifically guy-girl relationships. But besides the inevitable suppressed giggling and whatnot from the adolescent audience, it went very well. They certainly set the expectations and standards very high for the teens.

I’m yawning, widely. Bedtime.

Something just occurred to me on the way back from the car wash in the Audi.

There isn’t a center console in the car–the gearshift’s pedestal ends before the fronts of the seats, and when the handbrake is released, there’s nothing obstructing the valley between the seats.

What does this mean? Unlike my two other cars, with massive center tunnels in the cabin, a girl (or myself, if she’s taking a turn driving) could easily lay her head down in my lap and sleep as I drove, if she wanted to. It’s the first car I’ve owned since Twinkie where that’s been possible. Hmm.

I accepted the permanent position at Design Services earlier in the week. I went through my “job offer session” today, which amounted to signing a bunch of tax forms and whatnot. How do I feel about it? Ambivalent. It’s not positive or negative so much as a shift in another, parallel direction. It’s just different. It’s less money, with more benefits, and more job security, not to mention paid vacation and all that jazz. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really prevent me from doing the things I want to do with my future–I don’t feel more tied down because of it. In a lot of ways it will make planning easier on account of having the same paycheck every week to budget with and save from. So it’s, objectively, a good thing, though my feelings rebel a bit when I think about the pay cut. But that just means less money for the car(s), after all. I can’t believe how much I spent on that(those) thing(s) last year. I swear I should just sell two out of the three and buy a motorcycle.

Finished my billing sheets today at work. I hate doing that–I feel so unproductive when I have to list 2-3 hours of “administrative time” in any given day. But I did something bad–I peeked at the other designers’ sheets on the stack that Lauren is going to fax tomorrow. Holy cow: Some of them list 5-6 hours every day of admin time. It’s not a license to be less productive, but I feel better about where I stand, and I think I’ll cringe less next time if I have a couple of days in a row of just a few hours billable (to a client) time. It’s good for me, anyhow. I’m not languishing as much as I would elsewhere.

I love this song. It reminds me of driving through the Appalachians in western North Carolina with the family on the way to my grandmother’s house in Hayesville. That town is about as far west as you can get without crossing the border into Tennessee. We had the Michael Card cd and we’d play it over and over as I sat in the back, letting the landscape move across my eyes, head on palm. David and Paul sat in front of me, sleeping or reading, and Mom and Dad were in the front, talking low about something of parental consequence, no doubt.

I thought about the past, the moments passing, and the future, where I would go, what I would do. The scope of the song for me allowed my mind to step back a way farther from the timeline of my life, and view its events with a sense of increased relevance between them. There are so many thoughts and feelings wrapped up in it… I’ll sort them out later, when I have more time to ponder.

lyrics

you know everyone in the world, but you feel alone

I’m such a lazy bum some days… Fortunately today, although I got up rather late, was productive–I closed my office door and started knocking stuff out, emailing people, doing corrections, designing, everything that I had been putting off for a little while, at least over the weekend… It feels good. I have a headache from all the sugarless gum I’ve been chewing like a machine, but that’ll go one I displace it in my system with something else.

I got Mac OS X for my computer, which means I likely won’t be able to use my pirated copies of Photoshop and Illustrator any more. Ah well. I feel like I’m coming clean in more than one way–the interface isn’t the only thing. It’s the first new look my computer’s had in six years of ownership, though. I like it. The navigation did take a while to get used to, but iTunes is the bomb, video files play with no hesitation, and it makes life easier in a lot of other ways–the ability to just plug in the digicam and have it connect automatically is a boon. Now if I only had more than 256M of RAM and more than 6G of hard drive space, life would be complete…

Some days are better than others, y’know (yes, I’m still on my Zooropa kick…)

Well, dang it. The Panthers lost the Superbowl. They acquitted themselves well, though; it was a good game, and they certainly gave the Patriots more of a run than most people were anticipating.

Skiing yesterday at Wintergreen was stellar. It was honestly the best skiing I’ve had, well, on this continent… Aaron and I took a bus up to the VA/WV border resort as part of one of those all-day package deals which actually turn out to be quite nice, as long as you don’t mind being cooped up on a bus with a hundred folks for several hours. We’re both 6’4″+, though, so it was a little trying at times, but we managed, and it was worth it–the snow had a dusting of powder over a softly packed base, and was absolutely perfect. I had boots and poles, but rented skis since my own are pretty badly scored on the bottom and the bindings are a bit loose as well. The skis I rented ended up being the nicest pair I’ve ever skiied on. So we had a great time, including talking almost the whole way back about every subject imaginable. I hadn’t interacted with Aaron in that capacity in a while, and it was good to talk and unload after being more than a little antisocial lately.

I really don’t fancy going into work tomorrow. There are quite a few things hanging over me–all of which I’ll get sorted out in time, but the Sunday night-ness of the moment isn’t the most pleasant thing.

Donald, John, and I took advantage of the day (mostly) indoors to rearrange the apartment a bit. Most prominently, other than the fact that it’s been cleaned, is the dining area, which was substantially revamped and looks quite cozy now, in contrast to the previous makeshift, cardboard box look.

I talked the permanent position over with Betty last Friday, and I think I’m going to take it. The big unknown at this point is whether I’ll be able to request off enough time for our trip to Europe. I think I can arrange it but I’m not sure.

I wish I had something of substance, not just for the fact that this journal is read by various people (all four of you), but just for myself. When I don’t have anything substantial to share, or a recent revelation I’ve had, or anything of that nature, I feel like it reflects on my thought life and the tack that my existence in general is taking. It’s not true, but… Where am I? Surrounded by snow, a blanket of whiteness… Metaphor for something? Perhaps. I’m not going to read too far into it, at least not in a way that would have a serious bearing on decisions, but only in the fluffy, poetic, inconsequential sense.

workworkwork

I passed by a thousand signs
looking for my own name

Yay for empty carbs! I’m chowing down on some Easy Mac at the moment (a double batch, no less). Why do I always get so hungry when I’m cooped up inside most of the day? Maybe those time I actually do venture out burn more calories on account of the coldness… Who knows.

Slept on the couch last night again. Not sure why–I think part of it is that it’s so much warmer in the living room without the 15-foot ceiling we have in the bedroom, trapping the heat near the top of the room… That and ask anyone who’s ever been on the couch, even sitting, how comfortable it is. I guarantee you’ll get rave reviews. I woke up to snow falling outside… Actually made it to church this morning and joined the three dozen or so attendees. Drove home after scraping off the windshield–the snow was falling harder and mixing with just about every other form of winter precipitation you could imagine… We had a little fun in a parking lot near the apartment complex–owning a four-wheel-drive car means you can get up a little speed and pitch it into a slide while gunning the gas, all four wheels spinning. If you manipulate the gas, clutch, and steering well, you can control the angle of the slide, keeping the car sideways through the corner… It’s great fun :o)

It’s sleeting now, just dry crystals, so nothing that would bear down on the power lines… Not great snowball snow, but lovely for sliding and sledding. I took a walk earlier and enjoyed the brightness–the snow reflects the light pollution to the extent that the ambient light turns the night into something surreal…

The light winds down early in the months near the beginning of the year… The day feels soft, pliable, gentle at the moment, the kind of time when the moments come and go with your breathing and your eyes move softly with every slow blink. It’s a tranquil thing, like a low chord plucked and held without a rush to halt the sound. Time for sinking into a surrounding chair, time for sipping something warm, time for thoughtful glances exchanged just beneath the surface of conversation. My head rests in my palm, elbow on the desk, and I let my eyes drift out of focus, conjuring whole moments in my mind without regard for fluency between daydreams…

It’s a Friday afternoon. Just an hour or so before I head home. Let’s get a few things done in the meantime… :o)

Lovely birthday yesterday. Thanks again to all my well-wishers… I don’t think I’ve ever had so many people wish me happy birthday in a particular year. It’s quite nice.

Had the family party back at home last night… Ate spaghetti and meatballs (yum) and my annual birthday cake–Aunt Lena’s No-Fail Chocolate Pound cake (which I have yet to find the recipe for–sorry Brandi) and opened presents. Got a berber and suede blanket, a 1.5 GB mp3 player (which isn’t Mac compatible–grrr), a couple of books, among other things… It was a nice, low-key evening. We usually do two parties, a family one and a friends one, the latter coming up tomorrow, complete with a drive and lunch somewhere with the guys. That’ll be fun.

I finally got offered the permanent position here. I’ve technically been a “freelancer” here ever since I got hired back in March of last year, which pays well, but doesn’t offer benefits and such, not to mention no paid vacation. They wanted to put me in a permanent position pretty much ever since I got hired initially, and after months of being in the pipeline, I got the phone call yesterday and the offer. It’s more than a bit less than what I would have hoped for, but I’m going to get my figures and expectations together and make a counter offer soon. Betty (my boss), Georgia, and Lauren are all permanent as well and probably make close to as much as I would if I accepted the position… But they’re all in two-income households, which lightens the financial load a bit. Yeah, so I guess I just need to get married… hahaha… No. Heh–I’d have to find a fiancee first, which would entail finding a girlfriend, which would entail finding someone I’m even remotely interested in on more than a friendship level, which isn’t even on the horizon… So I’m a long way off. But we’ll see what happens about the position. I can live on the salary, and it gives benefits and such, and if I didn’t accept it the position would have to be filled anyway, and that person would design the Gazette, which I’m not going to give up doing–I really enjoy it. So we’ll see. That’s all I can say without having thought and prayed about it.

Everything is cold. Everywhere I go, everything I touch is frigid. I tossed and turned last night, pulled the layers of blankets up over me to try and capture some semblance of warmth–and it’s there, to a degree, but never to the point of being satisfied. A warm shower did wonders, but it just seems to warm the surface of me for a while, and the inside remains cold. I’m wishing for Spring again.

Finally got rid of the Christmas tree two days ago. It held up remarkably well given that I really didn’t water it for the past two weeks or so, and Donald and I were joking that it must have been genetically engineered or some such tomfoolery. I pulled it out the front door of the apartment, down the stairs, and threw it into the bed of the truck, which I borrowed. The tree left a trail of debris and needles behind it all the way up into the apartment, and it looked for all the world like it had been dragged out onto the porch and beaten. I swept everything up after I returned from work yesterday. It was a great tree, lovely, sweet-smelling, and well-proportioned, with no bare spots to speak of. We’ll miss it. After a while, that is–it was getting rather silly to have had it there.

And my birthday is tomorrow! Gosh. Just remembered that. I’m asking for… new glasses, some music, and maybe a tool or two. I want to keep it pretty low-key anyway. On vera ce que va arriver demain. Je ne veux pas qu’on s’en occupe.

New (old) car! Huzzah for impulse car buying!

Seriously it’s quite fun. I’ve enjoyed it muchly so far.

Now for sleep and dreams and work in the morning and then lunch and then work in the afternoon and then dinner and then parents’ meeting with youth leaders and then evening stuff and then sleep again.

his entire personality was like a poetic juxtaposition of words searching for something to describe

1. So I bought the car last Friday. Because I am not right in the head when it comes to cars. Assuming I can find my camera, pictures tomorrow… I think you’ll agree with me that it was a good deal, though maybe not in the sense of having another vehicle to deal with.

2. Watched the game earlier. The area will likely be abuzz with superbowl predictions for the next two weeks.

3. My brother David cut his hair yesterday. He now has a sort of faux mohawk, a la David Beckham, which is all fine and good seeing as how David’s a soccer player too. But he’s worn his hair the same way for about seven years, so it was still a bit of a shock to see his ears at church Sunday morning.

4. Car Care Saturday was amazingly successful Saturday morning. A bunch of guys showed up to help, and they became sort of the labor force, while I handled the “management,” diagnosis, tutorials, etc… I bought sixty quarts of motor oil Friday night, along with filters for all the various cars that signed up (yes, I’m getting reimbursed). We ended up changing the oil in about fourteen cars, sometimes three or four at a time. The sun shone for us, and the church’s servant evangelism team did carwashes and vacuums as well. Had a blast, and I’m incredibly grateful to have had so many guys help me out.

5. Youth group Saturday night was incredible as well. For the first time my small group wasn’t the first one to finish and make its way to the snack room near the end of the meeting. Andy posed a question to start us off, and the guys really opened up, gave each other advice, and even prayed for one another at the end. I felt like we covered issues of substance for the first time, as Scott later confessed to me, “That was a really great small group.” I was satisfied, but exhausted, by the end of the day. God is so good.

Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / District of Columbia

Other than the US, I’ve been to France, England, Wales, Spain, Italy, Germany, Switzerland, Monaco, Luxembourg, Belgium, the Netherlands, Denmark, Norway, Austria, Vatican City, Turkey, and Greece.

Utter pointlessness and randomostination:

The Sponge Monkeys sing “We like the moon”

Have mentioned recently that I chew a pack a day? Of gum. And that the three greatest inventions in the history of the world are the “Build a Bear” store, underarm deodorant, and turn signals.

I’ve had a hard time getting up lately… I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve been getting to bed around 2, and then trying to get up at 7:30 for work at 8. That works for isolated days, but doing it three or four days in a row just doesn’t work. Naps don’t avail me either. It would be worse if I were actually full time and expected to work a relatively rigid 8 to 5 schedule, but since I only get paid for the hours I work at the moment, as a “freelancer,” it doesn’t matter as much in the grand scheme of things.

It matters to me, though. It matters to my conscience… I like to feel that I’m productive and reliable and that I can develop good habits and keep them, and that I can maintain a consistent schedule. As much as I resist the notion of a traditional 8 to 5 workday, I really enjoy my job here; it pays well, and I’m not overly bothered by the idea of being here regularly. At least for the time being. I’m content but restless… But that’s a topic for a whole other entry.

Any impulse shoppers out there? I’m an impulse car buyer. Early last week I noticed in the apartment complex parking lot a car that had been sitting consistently in the same spot for a while. It’s a nice little mid-’80s Audi, silver, with a stickshift, four-wheel-drive, and nice mesh rims (for you car geeks: ’83-’87 Audi 4000cs Quattro). Looked like it was in good shape, so last Saturday, on a whim, I left a “Nice car! Interested in selling?” note on the window, complete with my contact information. Didn’t think much of it afterwards until I got a phone call yesterday from the owner letting me know that yes, he was interested in selling it, as he had just bought a new truck, and wanted to set a time for me to come check it out.

I don’t really need this car. I already have one car down for repairs that needs my attention. I deposited a check from one of my roommates today at the bank and almost withdrew a bunch of cash so I could wave something in his face persuasively when I went to check it out. Cash talks when you’re buying a used car. But I didn’t. It would have been as much of an incentive to me to make a rash decision about the car as it would him, and my more sensible side was beginning to kick in after a couple of days of getting a bit excited over the possibility of a new and fun project. It’s doubtful that I’ll get it, but you never know… Yes, I’m on automotive crack.

let’s get out of the car with open arms
not wait to be embraced

Sunny Monday. Lovely outside–and warmer. I think this is as close as I get to being a morning person… Breathing deeply, clear-eyed, longing for the outdoors even though it’s still midwinter. My disposition mirrors the atmosphere today; I’m sunny, clear, and already looking torward warmer months…

Bunch of things to do at the office, but nothing absolutely critical bearing down on me. I need to work on the UNC maps webpage, the Bryan Fellowship posters, the CERT magnets, and a business card or two… I’ll take care of it all by the end of the day.

Thinking about taking a day off to go skiing next week. Aaron and I were going to go on MLK day, but holiday rates are in effect that weekend, which means a lift ticket alone would be somewhere on the order of $60, mighty steep. We’ll probably just make a day trip of it, to a “lesser” resort, but at least it’s skiing. Now if I could only convince Aaron to appreciate other aspects of skiing besides racing down the hill every time, I think the outing would be complete. His competitive juices get flowing every time he surveys the slope from the top of the hill, and although the record still stands 2-1 in my favor as far as races won and lost, I still prefer the satisfaction of finesse-ing it down the hill, so to speak, in other words, carving perfect turns, keeping skis parallel, and so on. It’s fun either way… But I prefer a respite from the adrenaline-fueled tucks down the hill at ticketable speeds.

nobody knows, darling
nobody knows how they are loved

This is the best album. I used my $20 Borders gift card last night and bought two things (guess I spent a little money then), a newer Innocence Mission album (Befriended) and a book entitled Restoring Your Classic Z Car with pages of details and schematics and diagrams–all of which will prove most useful.

Woke up to snow falling outside, covering grass and cars with a few inches and still coming down now… Not exactly my weather of choice for driving a light, rear-wheel-drive sports car to work in the morning, rusty undercarriage and all. And what a rotten turn of events for the Car Care Saturday plans tomorrow. I was waffling between this weekend and the last… Guess I chose wrong.

And while I’m on this streak, let me just mention that I was having a nice dream when I woke up and I didn’t have breakfast this morning either (of all mornings).

But it’s Friday.

So it’s an okay day.

At Leslie’s behest, an update.

The guys came over last night again. We played rook and loser, I made brownies (good ones!), Steven pulled nose hairs out with vice grips, we talked about the merits and liabilities of putting a foozball table in the apartment, solved the wooden puzzle I got for Christmas, listened to The Postal Service, and generally had a good time. I didn’t accomplish anything overwhelmingly productive, but that’s okay. It’s looking increasingly likely that Steven is going to move in when John moves out and gets married (I’m a groomsman now for that too–woohoo). So that’ll be fun. Apartment life will be a bit more exciting, I think. But we’ll see. Nothing’s set in stone yet.

Still on the fence about a few things, one of them involving a girl. But I’ll act soon enough. It feels like I’m waiting for the precise opportunity I’m looking for, until I realize I have no idea what that opportunity is.

Scary insight yesterday: I was extraordinarily productive on Monday night, to the point where I had basicaly fulfilled most everything that I had to take care of as far as life and apartment obligations and such, the car situation was somewhat calm as David and I finally got the Datsun driveable so I can use that, and most foundational things were settled. So I didn’t have any pressing responsibilities hanging over my head, nothing to procrastinate from doing, and it’s almost as if I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was free to do the non-essential things I had been wanting to do, but I was so used to having the rudimentary elements to take care of and slog through that I was almost more comfortable with them. In other words, for a few minutes I was more comfortable with sitting down and paying bills (or at least procrastinating from paying bills) than I was with getting started on things like planning for the trip to Europe or researching pilot school, things like that. It was a reality check. As I work these new habits into my routine, though, and take care of things as they come up, they’ll be less of an issue in my mind, and I’ll be able to do things that are a bit less safe from a mental standpoint, but are where my heart really lies. It’s amazing how much we can latch on the mundanity of life as a refuge from things that might push us or stretch us. The daily grind becomes almost like a comfort zone, and the thought of something rich and exciting becomes almost paralyzing. I don’t want that. I’m going to keep my head above water, by His grace.

it’s just you and me and the rain

Whacked the alarm one too many times this morning, including the backup alarm. Got up at 8:05, threw something on as I toasted muffins and spread peanut butter across them. Drove to work, radio blaring jazz, right hand on the steering wheel, left hand holding the muffin. Experienced the usual gamut of tailgaters and generally incompetent Chapel Hill drivers. Arrived at work just before 8:30. Answered emails and got started on the corrections for the Spring issue of Around the Hill. Got a meeting with Scott at 10 to hammer out a production schedule for the maps webpage redesign. I need to make a trip to the bank and the post office over lunch.

My eyes are burning with tiredness. I don’t know why I go to bed so late… It’s ridiculous any way you slice it.

Last evening was amazingly productive, though. Did laundry, cleaned up, paid all my bills, took care of all the various papers and such lying around the apartment (well, the ones that were mine, at least), and just generally got organized. Renewed my to-do list and formulated a plan for dealing with finances. I’m going to be on top of this; there’s no doubt. I’m going to know exactly where I stand financially at any time, and exactly what I can afford. I’m going to save money in the little things, spend more frugally, and really save money overall. This is really it. No more slacking from here on out.

she’s living like it’s the last night on earth…