I am about to lose it. Or was, half an hour ago… I went back to the DMV for the third time and was turned away from getting the stupid car registered by what (in my mind) were the most infinitesimal technicalities. I hate red tape, and I’m beginning to hate this car. It’s been the bane of my existence every since I got it (there’s that stupid expression again). If I hadn’t bought it, I’d have one less car to worry about, more money, and (possibly) more motivation to finish up the Supra.
I left the DMV in a daze of frustration and stumbled across the parking lot to Harris Teeter to pick up some food, since I hadn’t had breakfast, but oddly wasn’t feeling that hungry. I stood in front of the magazine rack, where I go sometimes before I grab my food, and just imploded. Outwardly you wouldn’t have been able to tell (perhaps), but I felt like a shell after five minutes as my mind recapitulated over and over everything that I was stressed about… Old insecurities even came up, things I thought I had conquered… It’s like my coping mechanisms completely broke down, just standing there.
I still don’t know quite where I am inside after that, or what’s going on in general… If you asked me how I felt I wouldn’t respond I don’t know, but after a few minutes things might start to come out; I don’t know. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know… Gahh.
Jeremy canceled the youth leaders’ meeting tonight because he’s exhausted and his wife is ill. Normally I feel a bit of a sense of relief since it’s more free time for me, but of all the evenings when I could have used people around me, this is it, I think. I’ll figure something out, though. God hasn’t left me; I know… This is all happening for a reason, but–gosh. I’m stunned, dazed.
“here i go crying out for mercy / and crying out for Your help…”
Prayers…
hey
Keep your head up bud! When I get down I go buy a big soda, a pack of smokes, and take a long drive out into the country. There is this place off the freeway called Vista Point where you can pretty much see for miles and I’ll go there and clear my head. Some times you have to elevate yourself over all the small stuff so you can see the bigger picture ;)
such oppposite sentiments for us tonight. i’m pretty much pissed at the world right now, and i get to teach kids how to fence (one class in a weapon i don’t fence at all).
i would so much prefer to be home, by myself, with a book than at club tonight. though my roommate will be gone when i get home…
as you did for me, i’m returning the favor .. you’re in my prayers