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Ever have one of those conversations where everything you say is sort of right but your tone of voice and timing are so completely off that you might as well have been talking jibberish? Yeah.
I want to buy that motorcycle.
why am i suffocating?
Don’t try to fix anything; just listen. Said the pot to the kettle.
I wish I had stories to tell.
I wish I were comfortable in larger groups.
I wish I could hold peoples’ attention for longer than 30 seconds.
I wish I didn’t bumble around when I talk in groups.
I wish people were comfortable around me.
I wish I knew how to act around women.
I wish I were spontaneously funny.
Sometimes I feel so inept. Artless. Clueless. Bumbling. Misguided.
Sometimes I wish I weren’t me.
I shouldn’t compare myself. The grass is always greener, etc… But when somone can walk into the office and hold the attention of the entire female staff for half an hour, who still aren’t comfortable around me after 9 months, it’s hard not to feel socially inadequate.
It’s just a transient thing. Don’t mind me.
I feel sad. No, not that kind of sad, but pathetic sad. I got in to work late today on account of the movie last night, so I’m still here, which doesn’t bother me too much… I’ve always been able to manage okay by myself (i.e. being sent to my room was never really an effective punishment as a child). But my energy swings have been something crazy–one minute I’ll be squirming in my chair with excess energy; fifteen minutes later I took a nap for an hour, head in my arms on the desktop, college-style (heh). Weirdness.
I’ve firmly decided that I’ll never get used to having feelings. They’ll always unsettle me.
Dead tired. Just got back from seeing Return of the King. Awesome movie. And I don’t say that lightly. It does the book justice in the important areas, I think. See it :o)
Walking to lunch today I stepped into a shallow strip of gravel in the parking lot where the asphalt had been pulled away. Somehow it reminded me of the cinder blocks and mortar present at construction sites in France that we (my brothers and I, being boys) would climb over, like houses next door that were going up. I saw the sky again on a spring day, eerily half-covered with impeding storm clouds, and felt the first gust from the knife-edged cold front. I remembered closing the shutters outside the downstairs windows before the Mistral blew through the valley, flipping the painted iron catches, pulling the shutter to, and latching it. It was the first time I’d ever had floor lamps in a living room, and I remembered how they lit up the terracotta-colored walls and the blocky tiles in the floor. I remembered the sharp, white stone of the wall by the driveway and the grasses in the unkempt yard next door, big tomatoes in Dad’s garden and bottle rockets in the backyard, Sundays watching the parasailers drift down the mountainside as we ate on the patio, and the brittle, earthen tiles on the roof…
Then I walked into the restaurant and ordered my food.
David is back home for Christmas after his first semester at NC State. Brought his computer back, too, with a little program he somehow acquired at college–an NES emulator. It came with basically every single Nintendo game ever made, too… This is bad, folks. I wasted about 2 hours earlier tonight playing Super Mario Bros. 3, and a couple of hours on Friday playing Battletoads. All my games are there… Tecmo Bowl, Mega Man 3, RC Pro Am, Zelda, Bubble Bobble, Micro Machines, Contra, Gradius & Life Force, etc etc. It takes me back. I feel like one of those twentysomethings buying the old Atari 2600s to relive their younger days when Mom and Dad wouldn’t let them play until they finished their homework.
Drove four hours out to the North Carolina coast yesterday, Kitty Hawk, to be precise. The “Celebration of Flight” is taking place until the 17th, when the replica of the Wright Flyer will retrace the original’s flight, 100 years later. It was great fun–like a glorified air show, with aerobatics, exhibits, presentations, and lots of parked airplanes and helicopters for us to gawk at. I came home with a ton of brochures and stickers. David drove with me, and we had a great time together. I told him it felt like I was making up for lost time not spent with him this semester. We ate at Jersey Mike’s, sat in the Coast Guard helicopter together, listened to Tonic in the car, and got pulled over on the way home (I only got a warning, though–there’s something to be said for not incriminating yourself when the trooper comes to your window). Had a grand time.
This morning I’m assailed by memories of two summers ago, when I was in Florida, alone, and later out of work and more alone than ever… The Jars of Clay song “Silence” is going through my head, just as it was then, but only in my car, driving to and from church in Jacksonville, 45 minutes each way, just driving there, attending church, then driving home, the same every week. Sometimes (often) it would rain, and the quiet of the car surrounded me at a stoplight as the clear ebb and flow of the song washed through me. I remember the feeling exactly… The determination, the veneer of soldiering on glossing over the fact that the right question could topple me entirely. I didn’t know where to go or what to do… So many things were in flux, and the uncertainty isolated me more than ever, since I had always treated friendships like the icing of life, something to be pursued and added after everything else was in place, and my ignorance of how to strike up an easy friendship, especially since I knew I would likely move away from that place in short order, surrounded me like a mantle in those midsummer days. Night after night spent sleeping on the couch in the living room, some days not even venturing to brave the rain. It’s not like I didn’t keep up with myself, keep up with life, but if you had caught my eye you would have been met with a distant look.
Last night I dreamed about the warmth of sleeping next to someone, my arms around her, my breath gently moving against the crown of her head. Waking to reality was like a cold wind blowing through me.
I am officially going to say “no” to anything else that comes up this month that I might be tempted to organize–with the possible exception of a Christmas party at our apartment. I think I’m already in over my head, but I’m going to do everything, dang it…
The car still needs fixing. I’ve taken the wiring harness off but things have progressed at a snail’s pace from there, mainly because my motivation is quite low and also because wiring issues are something I don’t particularly savor as far as working on cars is concerned. Speaking of cars and the church Saturday morning car group that several regulars actually make it to, we’re finally going to do a Car Care Saturday. This is something I’ve wanted to do for a while, but at the beginning of January it will take place at last in the church parking lot, several hours on a Saturday morning of changing oil, carwashes, minor mechanical work, and advice/diagnosis for the single moms and single ladies in the church (or anybody who wants to come, really). I’m psyched but it’s going to take some planning.
Apparently I’ve decided that my New Year’s celebrations have been too sedate in past years, since somehow I volunteered to lead an expedition of youth and older churchgoers to a four-day conference in Kansas City that stretches from the 28th all the way to New Year’s day. This is the real deal, since it costs a significant chunk of change when you factor in everything, not to mention the driving’s going to be a bear… But it’ll be fun.
I honestly don’t know what happened this month with all the spontaneous busyness. I think it will be good for me, though.
In other news, we went tree shopping Friday night and picked out a doozie. Not cheap, but very well-proportioned and no bald spots anywhere, not to mention just a few inches shy of the apartment’s ceiling, perfect. I was able to get hold of some white lights, and I bought a few strings of beads, but I only have two ornaments. Anybody want to donate any superfluous ornaments? It’s for a good cause… I should take pictures of it… It’s a lovely tree.
I hadn’t felt an earthquake before until just a few minutes ago…then the buildling started quivering slightly like an enormous truck was passing outside, but without the noise–just a quiet but ubiquitous shaking. Turns out we were feeling the tremors from a 4.5 magnitude earthquake whose epicenter was just outside Richmond, VA. It was quite a peculiar sensation.
learning to breathe
learning to crawl
learning that you and you alone can break my fall
Why is it that I hate waking up? I’ve taken note of this, and even on days when I know I’ve gotten enough sleep, dragging myself out of bed is invariably an arduous thing. Every time. And I always know just how tired I am by how long it takes me to overcome the immediate “get back in bed” urge. I think perhaps if I got more sleep on a consistent basis matters would improve. Possibly.
We’re going to go tree shopping for the apartment in a day or two. My parents’ house is already treed and decorated–the earliest we’ve ever done it (I think the latest was less than a week before Christmas one year). As soon as we figure out where to put it in the apartment, scare up some lights and ornaments and decorations, I think it will really brighten the atmosphere in there…not to mention smell wonderful. That’s one of the best things about Christmas, no doubt.
Watched Finding Nemo last night for the first time. Great film… I particularly enjoyed the bits with the shark support group, the little French crab, and mount Wanahockaloogie. It was all great. I was somewhat dissuaded from watching it initially when it came out in theater because of the surfer turtles (didn’t find them funny at all), but they weren’t overkill and turned out to be kind of cute. Ah…so good.
Need…caffeine…or something. Dangit. Where’s a soda machine when I need one? Shouldn’t they be at my every beck and call? Speaking of…did you know… That evidently several dozen people were killed in this state alone by soda/vending machines? Use your imagination to figure out how. Found that statistic amusing. Which is bad. Mostly bad.
Okay. There’s soda in the fridge–I just checked. Probably flat as a pancake, but y’know… I guess I’ll just have to decide how desperate I am. Not very desperate if I’m sitting here updating instead of pouring myself some, or better yet, working! Yeehaw.
Um, good morning?
There are few greater pleasures in life than mashing one’s fork down upon the last few gathered crumbs of Aunt Lena’s No-Fail Chocolate Pound Cake.
What a lazy Friday afternoon. The ladies (those that are still here, at least) have congregated in Betty’s office and are talking away whilst I still here and attempt to be productive for the last hour or so. As you can tell, I’m not trying very hard…
My finger’s healing very rapidly, which is nice, especially since I can do the dishes again. I don’t know what it is about that activity that I like so much… I swear I have some repressed obsessive-compulsiveness. It’s just relaxing to put on some music and unload the dishwasher, reload it, and clean up the appliances and countertops. Come to think of it, that doesn’t sound terribly abnormal, does it? Laundry and other chores, on the other hand, are pure tedium.
I’m cruising along in my current state of singleness, reasonably content for all intents and purposes, but when I really get down to it, when I’m honest with myself and think about the matter without whisking my mind away to another thread of thought as soon as it alights on those feelings, I do want someone in my life. Well, not just someone, but her. But maybe that’s my problem, right? Too much idealism? Too much hesitance? Who knows… Regardless, at the moment it’s just an idle musing, a curiosity of my life, and nothing that resonates.
Trying to get the ball rolling again with our (Aaron’s, Donald’s, and my) trip to Europe in the spring. We had meant to meet up with one of Aaron’s friends who had done it before (taken the trip we’re pondering), but hadn’t got around to having dinner with her and talking about the particularities of her experience. I think we’re going to next week, though. I’m determined this isn’t going to be one of those things we’ll say we’ll do but we never do. Coming back to the theme of the previous paragraph, maybe we should hurry before any of us get a girlfriend, eh? Might put a slight kink in the plans :o)
Wasting time over lunch today, putting together my Christmas list and poking through allmusic.com for albums that I’d want, I realized I wanted more music by U2 than anything else on my list. I thumbed through the song listings and biographes and such, recognizing the songs I knew, and thinking about the impression that I have of each album as a cohesive piece of music, an artistic statement, I thought what a great band they are. They have a distinctly Beatles-eque ability to communicate complicated ideas in an unswervingly poetic fashion, without losing sight of their characteristic sound and feel… Besides they just wrote some great songs. Through the sweep of their career, at least for me, their individuality in the face of musical trends, their redefinition just on the cusp of mainstream music gives them a larger-than-life quality that separates them from comparison with any other band, really, except the standards, the bands that wrote music on their own terms and sustained their artistic integrity. As far as a rock band only the Beatles really compare to any degree, in my mind. And honestly, without pandering too much, I have to give credit where it’s due, and Elyse’s admiration of them really gave me insight into the fact that there was something more to the band than the average Top-40 one hit wonder act… and encouraged me to examine them a bit more closely. So thanks :o)
First frost this morning–rather late in the year…but welcome, in spite of the bitter coldness. Even the bedroom was frigid. I have a pile of blankets over my feet as I sleep (I hate cold feet), so the early, crisp morning seemed doubly unwelcome on account of my burrowed-down warmth. But I only whacked the alarm a couple of times before I got up… And here I am.
stay, and the day would keep its trust
Brisk day. A cold front whipped through last night, bearing torrents of rain for a few minutes as it blasted overhead… But today is clear and sharp-edged.
I endured a bout of extreme frustration last night…to the point where I wanted to take a brick through the car’s windshield. Not really, but for a minute there…. you know. I’ve spent around 30 hours over the course of the past week trying to debug my car’s wiring harness, which is somewhat custom made and kind of sketchy from the get-go. I thought I had everything figured out last night, but it wasn’t the case, just another miss in a long string of misses. So I threw in the towel, drove home, and played some angry guitar music very loud in the computer room… Felt marginally better. Today is an improvement, but… part of me just doesn’t want to think about it anymore. Frustrations… At least I have a four-day weekend. And a God who is good and for me.
if you could only see the way I look at you, you might believe
My day is perched on the edge. That’s all I can say about it; that’s all that I feel right now… I can’t really explain the feeling either, since it’s this random jumpiness I get sometimes, and the fact that it’s settling upon me on a Friday afternoon, with the weekend looming, doesn’t make it easier to bear. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way… Maybe it seems like so much in my life is in flux at the moment? I think the key word in that sentence is seems, since what I’ve been blessed with is quite stable, and God will take care of me anyway… It’s all a matter of viewpoint and perspective.
I wish I had a group to hang with sometimes. Wait–let me rephrase that. I do, but I don’t feel entirely comfortable with them, and I’m not sure why–every rational reason seems to point to how I should feel when I’m around them, I mean, they’re the youth leaders and the car guys–we have loads in common, we go to events and do stuff together, but somehow the walls are still there in a capacity that’s lamentable given how open I’ve been with other groups in the past. But maybe I should just take it all in stride, as it’s probably all in my mind again anyway. Time.
I need some time with Him. I can feel where my priorities are at the moment, and it’s not where they should be. No guilt, just a realignment…
Low, grey clouds scurry across the sky this morning under the surprisingly warm breeze… It feels like the last gasp of fall before the first frost sets in. Blustery, windy… A storm is imminent.
I don’t know how I made it up this morning and into work. I think I just kept moving. I was going to email Lauren and let her know I’d be a little late, but the responsible side of me grabbed hold and made me pull some clothes on, brush my teeth, and sent me out the door. Drove to work, bleary-eyed, listening to NPR news…
do you ever wonder?
do we ever care?
Your fire burns me like a favorite song
A song I should have known all along
I feel you move like smoke in my eyes
And that is why
Severely unmotivated this morning… I think it has something to do with the little sleep that I’ve been getting lately. I get home at 1 and it always takes me a while to come down and prepare for bed–I can’t just crash. But I’ll survive. At least my stitches came out yesterday. Susan snipped them while at the Gazette yesterday morning. Didn’t hurt at all, but the last one did pull a bit. Otherwise they were all ready to come out and were very cooperative.
My eyes are heavy with tiredness. Something in me wants to write and write and write, but something else has no idea what I’d write about. I could expostulate all day on the usual topics, and be nowhere because of it. Why is it that I think somehow the more I write or think about something the more likely it is to happen? It’s like I have subconscious delusions of superpowers–telekinesis and the ability to cause events with my mind. But come to think of it, no superhero I’ve heard of ever had that last ability. It’s definitely Godlike.
Haven’t written any poetry in a while. My muse has been absent these fall months. Speaking of months… November draws onward into December and the festivities therein. I look up and realize what time of the year it is, then think about family and friends and events planned and preparations and decorations and everything… Some people relish it, and I do, but in my current state of mind it’s all froth. I’m craving simplicity, peace, stillness, and not rushing to enjoy myself. If there was ever a contradiction of priorities, that’s it… I have pictures of grasping ornaments softly, hanging them gently in the low light of a floor lamp, reading on the sofa while a record plays on the turntable. I have the capacity to adapt to the hectic frenzy that I’m sure I’ll be caught up in soon enough, but for now I’ll just enjoy the momentary visions.
David’s team lost their soccer game earlier this evening to Maryland. So barring a miracle, NCSU won’t get a bid to the NCAA tourney this year… David was dazed; I could tell. Don’t know if the reality of it all had set in yet. I’m sure he’s devastated, though–I’d be, even as a freshman with three more years to look forward to, as he has. It was one of the ugliest games I’ve seen, with rampant fouls, name-calling, and boisterousness from the crowd. But it was good to watch the game in spite of everything, even if we were freezing up in the stands. I found my scarf earlier this morning, so that helped, and the toboggan completed my winter insulation (above and beyond the normal coat and sweater, that is).
Had Chinese with Dad after the game. David I think was going to debrief with the coach and then spend some time with Amanda. I really enjoyed hanging with my dad–we hadn’t done that in a while, and the food was good too. I had shrimp and chicken stir-fry and we talked about his recent trip to Europe, my prospects in just about every arena of life, the necessary physique for eating at Bojanges, the youth leadership team, and the girls he dated before he met my mom… Among other things. It was just… really really good.
Apparitions around the Carolina Inn as I was driving to the Gazette this morning stay with me… Purely surreal. Don’t know quite why it comes between me and the screen, but it does. It shouldn’t, but… I can’t reason with the feelings that wheel around inside almost instinctively. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Good.
Somewhat later, here I am. Went to Subway for lunch, picked up M&M’s (the crispy variety) from HT for the dispenser we have here at the Gazette office, drove back, endured the frustrations of Scott and Dan (our staff photographer) over a photo we can’t use for the front page anymore because the subject, playing basketball, thinks he looks too “intense.” Ah well. We’ll figure something out. Petty things. All of it.
Cards and cider, wings and wonders.
Quiet afternoon at the Gazette. It’s only a 12-page issue, with no inserts, not a billing week, and I don’t have any pressing assignments besides, so it’s been slow. I exchanged Scott one of my pitas and some hummus for a Coke earlier, so I’m feeling more alert than I normally would after lunch when the food is settling. We listened to some EBTG, David Gray, Depeche Mode, and now Enigma on the iTunes playlist. As you can see we’re doing things somewhat alphabetically, or at least staying in the d’s and e’s. Yes, it’s slow, I’ve flowed all the copy in, and Scott’s going over the printed layout now. I should be home soon. How about now?
Why does it seem like the more I tell myself my dream is actually reality the more likely it is to be untrue? Had another flying dream last night… The one constant among the ones I’ve had is that it seems to be a matter of belief–if I believe I can do it, and overcome the self-consciousness of the silly mechanism used to initiate it (jumping up and down, running and leaping into the air, clutching a special card, etc), I lift off the ground and take flight. Last night someone else I saw in my dream had overcome her hesitance, jumped up, and began floating a few feet above the ground. It was the catalyst I needed, and I ran and lunged upwards. I fell down, but progressively my leaps began to lengthen until I finally jumped and didn’t come down. With less than a thought I rocketed upward above the cloud line and looked down at the patchwork of green below, elated. I told myself this time it was real; I could carry this with me and the ability wouldn’t leave. Then my alarm went off…
Youth group was a struggle on Saturday. Jeremy (the youth pastor) wasn’t there this week, but that wasn’t the issue. I just feel like I have no ability to relate to these 9th-grade guys, and nothing to offer them. I tried to inquire about what’s going on in their lives only to be met with stone-faced silence. I attempted to get a discussion going about the fall retreat two weeks ago and the things God did there, but no one would open up, even after my lead. I then tried to teach them how to play Loser, a card game (incidentally Stephen’s favorite), and not an unexciting game at that, but all they seem to want to do was go to the bathroom, sit on each other, and kick each other. Maybe they’ll settle down at the year progresses? Regardless, I need to sit down with Andy (my co-leader), and plan things out. We haven’t done that yet and I don’t think winging it is working. The silver lining to the youth meetings lately is that I’m getting to know some of the guys on an individual basis a lot better, like James, a blind kid that I help out quite a bit and hang out with when I can. We talk about his cell phone, his love of Mountain Dew, and I tried to explain to him at length the possible offensiveness of the word “pimp.” I think he got it… He wants to hang out with me at the Wendy’s across the street from the church in a couple of weeks (since we have bowling next week).
Ben and I are getting along really well too. He’s a junior and somewhat removed from the rest of the youth group…kind of geeky, like me, and I think that’s where our common thread comes together. The catch is that he’s a physical guy too. Case in point: We were playing two-hand tag football at the youth retreat and I was running the ball around the left side. He was on the opposing team; I had almost made it past the defense except for Ben. He could have just tagged me to bring the play to a halt, but instead decides to just absolutely take me down, which he does with flying colors–I haven’t been head over heels in a while. He said it made his weekend :o) We have fun quoting Monty Python and Spaceballs (“Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don’t mean your pals in the Winnebago!”), talking about his fencing and other stuff. I really enjoy him. I should let him know.
Went to a hockey match last night with Dad and David. My dad works for IBM and has a friend in marketing who has third-row season tickets, so we could see the checking face plants up on the glass in exquisite detail. It was a tie (1-1), but at least the ‘Canes scored their only goal in the second period, when they were going our direction, so we got to see the whole play that preceeded the goal quite well. It was good to see David again. What with college and soccer and a girlfriend he’s been more than a little busy lately. But I suppose I have as well. We make time for things that are important, and I need to make some time for him. Maybe this week.
Saw Revolutions last night. Good show. I thought it was a great action movie, but I was somewhat disappointed on a philosophical level, though I suppose it would have been hard not to be given the way my expectations (and I imagine those of most every other reasonably internet-savvy Matrix fan) were raised with all the theories and expostulating flying back and forth over the months since Reloaded. But the trilogy concludes in logical fashion, in the only way it could have happened. I just wish the action element of the film hadn’t overshadowed the symbolic elements as much as it did. I did feel this way after seeing the second movie, though, so I hope after another viewing the details that underline the theme will be more apparent. I think they will. Warning: Compared to Reloaded, there’s less sex, and more violence. A lot more. And less cool techno music, slightly disappointing.
My finger is healing rapidly. Thanks for your prayers. I worked on the car for a good couple of hours yesterday evening, with a bandage on my pinky to remind myself that it was injured, and my finger actually felt better afterwards than it did before; quite miraculous. If all goes well, provided it doesn’t rain, I should have the engine out tonight, step one of the swap. It’s actually the easy step, but I’ll deal with the others as they come.
why’d you love me in the first place
Thoughts of the past today, people, places, events, things said… It brings back an uncommon wistfulness and a length to my stare, lost in memory. Failed relationships, things perhaps irreparable but still uncertain. It’s all uncertain; everyone’s unsure, but there are somethings I held to so tenuously the bonds still exist, only buried under time and stripped of the immediate turning away so close to the moment of separation, distilled to their ideal expression. And they pull on my heart. Reams of what-ifs, responses to those, the conjuring of unlikely scenarios, the anxiousness looming over a new movement of my heart. Everything’s a risk, everyone has imperfections, it’s just…will the ranging of my emotions ever subside enough to let Him work in situations? Where is my patience? God. I just want to know.
stealing away on a sunny day
Can’t believe it’s November already. The slowly-encroaching coldness taps me on the shoulder in the morning with the ever-increasing need for more layers… The leaves blow around my feet, but around midday the atmosphere has aligned itself more closely with the pleasantly warm autumns one imagines during the summer months, wishing for any respite from the heat. The air has just a hint of grass clippings from lawns mowed less and less frequently, and every few houses during a run through the neighborhood or a drive with the window rolled down I catch the scent of a fireplace giving superfluous, but welcome, assistance to a central heating system. Ah, suburbia.
I cut my pinky really badly yesterday afternoon. Working underneath the car, I was pulling on two parts when they gave more unexpectedly than I had anticipated, taking a good chunk of my finger along with them. I needed five stitches. It’s swathed in a large wad of gauze at the moment, and makes typing more than a bit challenging, as ‘p’s and semicolons, as well as the enter and backspace keys, and hard to reach. It should heal quickly, though, provided it doesn’t get unduly jostled in the meantime.
Halloween was entertaining. A little group from the church (mainly youth group leaders) joined the other 78,000 people who descended on Franklin St. (the main drag in Chapel Hill). I dressed up as a lobster and even got a few hollers of “Hey, crab-boy!” or “Yo, lobster!” It was fun, and not too cold, which was undoubtedly fortunate for the myriads of girls dressed up as hookers or just out in rather revealing clothing. Some of the costumes were amazingly creative.
Gotta crank out a few more Gazette pages. More later.
Had a lovely late evening of stargazing last night out at John’s parents’ farm. It’s a bit further removed from the light pollution, so it was cold, dark, and clear, so much so that you could see the Milky Way, no small feat for those of us living closer to civilization. I pulled out my slightly battered Newtonian reflector (non-motorized, all manual–old school), and found a few things in the sky, among them the Pleiades, the Orion and Andromeda nebulae, Mars, and Saturn (the telescopic highlight of the evening). The original occasion for our excursion out into the countryside were the Aurora Borealis, which were supposed to be uncommonly clear and vibrant due to an atypically violent solar eruption, but they didn’t show themselves. Donald and Rebekah did see quite a few shooting stars, though. I was too geekily engrossed with the telescope until the end to just gaze at them, so I didn’t see any, but just being out there again was quite wonderful.
Is the place where they make chocolate a chocolatery? Or a chocolatorium? Or maybe it’s just a chocolate factory? Willy Wonka! Yes!
I will now apply my more-than-ample mental powers to more pressing issues such as world peace and hunger.
Drove through the rain earlier to return an unneeded car part so I could have enough cash to eat lunch… I have $3.50 in my checking account. Not the worst it’s ever been, but I’ve still been cutting it closer to the wire than I’d like lately.
Even the air is grey today. The rain hangs in the air, suspended, and clings to you and you walk through it, little beady droplets that thicken the occasional breeze. I crashed at home last night, since I was doing my fourth load of laundry and my latent tiredness just overcame me. Cleo was very hospitable and curled up on the chair next the couch, where I slept underneath the green and blue comforter I haven’t slept under in months. It was quite cozy.
Good things recently:
– Vocal trance on the iTunes playlist that I can crank up on the headphones and drown everything else out.
– I had time to make four pieces of peanut butter muffins this morning so I’m full.
– I’m doing pretty well energy-wise. Not too tired.
– Donald and I put on a record last night and had a good conversation in the living room, he crashed on the couch and I laid on the floor… He was putting off writing his paper and I was putting off going to bed.
– God’s going to work everything out. He moves the hearts and minds of men and orchestrates everything for His glory and our good.
– I’m really sore from this weekend (I think I’m getting old?) but I’m going to stretch later and hopefully that will help.
– Michael had a breakthrough this weekend at the retreat and that makes me happy. I love that kid.
– It’s a Gazette week this week, so I get to hang out with Scott and Susan and be busy.
– My pictures from the retreat came out quite well.
Lots of little things.
home
and the
home
of the
one
and the me you they
of the all we she
us far then style
winnokan, terrycloth
poplar, elvenseed
something in it something out it
something to be closed
and yours mine again they we
if everything if nothing and something
we should be there/here/there more
yessing my thoughts
stopping your breathing in me
without you and pull again
wheels around face the day lovely one
stooping to only remasse a tiny dust
particle
put it in my pocket please, i want to
be an easy be
if you’d make that for me, i would plant
a seed near you, and my leaves
quiver–too
much in time on time yes time
and all i can say is yes
all i can know is want
all i can be is air
all i can feel is you
breaking down between us
have you ever known
that moment that time within
that mind that melting transformation
of me into you to
once again come around they do
dragging effortlessly principled beats
i i i
Saw Runaway Jury last night with Donald. John and Kristi were supposed to show up but didn’t. I mentioned to Donald that I’m sure they were having fun wherever they were… Heh. But it was a good movie with lots of quite good acting and a fast pace that kept your attention. Nice twist at the end, too. It’s interesting to watch a movie where your loyalties are split somewhat, where you feel sympathy for several of the parties involved; in other words, there wasn’t a clear “good guy” and “bad guy” until two-thirds or so of the way through the movie. It’s recommended. Oh, and I wouldn’t mind dating Rachel Weisz, either. Yep.
Cat and house sitting this week since my parents are in Europe. My dad is on a business trip to Germany and my mom accompanied him, as they’ll be travelling to Romania afterwards to visit some recently-moved missionary friends. My dad called me two days ago, and evidently they’re in a hotel in Bonn overlooking the Rhine. I told him to take pictures, and he did. So perhaps I’ll post them upon their return.
In any case, cat sitting is somewhat gratifying, since Cleo has to pay more attention to me now that I’m the sole server of the food and cleaner of the litter box. So she’s less nonchalant than she usually is, which is nice–a warm, furry, affectionate animal isn’t something I’ll object to.
Weird how I wake up at 10… It’s not like I don’t have to fight the sleep anymore, but the struggle is noticeably lessened.
Listen to the song that was going through my head all day while you flip through the pictures.
Drove up to northwestern Virginia yesterday, through the bustling cities of Short Pump and Oilville, VA, to the lovely town of Harrisonburg, right next to the West Virginia border, to pick up an engine for my car. It was a nice little day trip… I drove the truck since I wanted to have something I could put the engine in the back of. It performed very well, despite getting abysmal gas mileage and having to downshift manually going up all the hills. I had a bit of scare going around a corner in Staunton, though, where the truck sputtered and died on me. You see, it has two fuel tanks, front and rear, and the fuel level sender for the rear doesn’t work, so I was estimating how far I could go before I had to fill up again. I thought 300 miles would be a good, conservative number, but didn’t quite count on the fact that I’d be ascending into the Appalachian mountains… And when the truck is out of gas, it’s out of gas–no gentle reminders. I managed to coast it to a gas station, and was freaking out a bit (well, freaking out as much as I do–which isn’t much, I just get frustrated), checking all the vital fluids and such, when I decided to flip the switch that activates the front tank again, and it fired right up. I always overlook the obvious…
It was beautiful and clear and breezy, perfect for making airplane wings out the car windows, or birds, or what have you… Rolling hills, farms, undulating country roads, absolutely idyllic.
I got the radio in the truck working on Saturday, so I wasn’t entirely tuneless, but I did turn it off periodically and sing praise songs and French tunes at the top of my lungs, just for variety’s sake. I do wish I had had someone to harmonize with.
Praise God for holding the truck together and keeping me safe. Thank you for your prayers.
p.s. — If anyone’s interested in seeing the engine for whatever reason, it’s here.
Traffic is an abomination… Of course, the whole idea was kind of sketchy to begin with. I left work at 4:30 and got to Raleigh at 6, going about 15 mph the whole way. I was supposed to meet Aaron at 5:30, but that didn’t happen, obviously. Everyday seems to conjure its own argument in favor of a cell phone… Yet I resist. Don’t really know why.
In any case, while in Raleigh, I did get a chance to duck into the record store and buy OtR’s Ohio. Breathtakingly beautiful album… Baroque, intricate, raw and complex. It’s a two-disc record so there’s a lot of material to wade through. But I have a feeling I’ll enjoy it.
It’s the kind of day I wish we could lift off the roof of the office… Either that or have nothing but breezy fabric for walls. It’s incredibly beautiful outside in the aftermath of yesterday’s cold drearyness, and I’m looking longingly out the window between bouts of typing and other occasional work.
Breezes, pine needles strewn everywhere, tug on the branches, squinty-eyed from the clarity of the day and the gusts, draw me out…
Waiting for laundry to finish. Feel keyed-up again tonight. Jumpy. Don’t like it. I think it’s because I took a 2-hour nap this afternoon on top of about 8 hours of sleep last night, and I just ate a pot of rice pilaf about an hour and a half ago. Regardless… eck. Sunday nights shouldn’t be like this. But there’s never really been a conscious blueprint in my life of how they’re supposed to be. I guess I just don’t feel good.
Had a rather disturbing realization earlier. I visited another Supra enthusiast in Cary today, just recently moved into the area from Atlanta, and we shot the breeze about all manner of car stuff, but mainly about my car’s situation, lacking an engine and such, and I ended up committing to buy an engine he had contacts about, as well as another wiring harness for said engine, something I need. It’s all fine and good; I did get a good deal, and I was treated fairly and got a respectible price, but… Coming home, thinking about it, thinking about everything that’s involved in this project and what’s left to get, and what I need to do, my mind going around in circles about it… I just had to cry out to Him. I felt my heart closing in around the project because I had so much invested in it, and I don’t want that. My heart shouldn’t be there, but it’s naturally drawn there because I have so many resources invested and soon to be invested in it. But it’s not the place for the car. It’s just transportation. It’s just a hobby. I think that’s another reason I’m feeling so jumpy–that left to itself my mind is naturally settling on thoughts about the project, and I don’t want it to be there, but I can’t just let it go, and and and… I need peace. His peace. I don’t want to be distracted by anything but Him.
I think running would help, but I’m just going to rest tonight, all the more since laundry isn’t finished and I just ate a while ago.
Youth group last night went well. My small group is essentially crowd control, but by the grace of God I actually got the 9th grade boys to go around the room and share prayer requests, and I did get a chance to talk to Devin, albeit for a short while, since he was sitting all by himself during group time. Pray for him. He’s undergoing a lot of family upheaval at the moment and isn’t doing particularly well in school either. But I feel so ill-equipped to minister to these guys. The whole group time is an exercise in holding their attention. If Andy (my co-leader) or I don’t keep them constantly engaged, then their attention drifts elsewhere, they start throwing anything and everything at each other and goofing off. But it’s slightly better than it was last year, amazingly, when they were all middle-schoolers. They don’t want to talk about the message; they don’t want to talk about how their week is going… But I have faith somehow, out of the blue, in some roundabout way, God is ministering to them. I haven’t the foggiest how it could be through me.
Donald and I are home alone tonight. He’s working on homework on his laptop in the living room, Over the Rhine playing on the stereo, and I’m in here typing. The kitchen is a little dirty, but I’ll get that cleaned shortly. I can’t believe it’s already 11. My mind wants the respite of sleep, knowing that it will relieve for at least a while, these thoughts assailing me, but I have a premonition tonight sleep won’t be particularly restful anyway. Besides the thoughts, it’s almost like my body is conditionned to receive a certain about of sleep in a given day, and if I get more, then things are about as off-kilter as they would be if I hadn’t gotten enough. Argh.
Gotta do something constructive.
Lunchtime… Subway and a soda. Not too bad. I suppose I could do better but I didn’t really feel like finding a parking spot with the truck in the vicinity of Franklin St. today. My email service is experiencing its daily (ha) downtime/meltdown. I spilled some honey mustard sauce on my khakis. Dang it. At least it’s not in a terribly critical location. I really should lean over the wax paper when I eat. Okay email’s back up. Good. Got the Board of Governors directories back today, and the ink is waaay too light. I thought I specified heavy coverage… Ah well. All the information is there and if my client complains I’ll do something about it, but everything else related to this job went perfectly so I’m just going to suppress my perfectionistic instincts. Scott says the Gazette looks good, but “dense.” Not a diss, just a fact. I agreed, since there were a lot of stories this issue, even for a 16-pager, and I had to massage and squeeze and work it a little more than I usually do. I bought two toboggans/beanies at Walmart on Tuesday night. It’s the first time I had bought clothes in honestly years. I mean, except for sunglasses and petty stuff like that. I bought a deep green “Arctic Hat” and a lighter rusty-red toboggan. I think I’ll save the “Arctic Hat” for ski trips and deep freeze days. The red toboggan looks decent but I think I can do better. I just wish I hadn’t lost my A.E. hat… It was the only piece of designer clothing I owned… Well, except for my bell-shaped Structure overcoat.
Anyway. Anyone have some gum?
Youth group leaders’ meeting last night was significantly deeper than they’ve been in weeks past. For once, and in a healthy way, we were inwardly focused, on the team dynamics and issues that weighed on our hearts, minds, and lives. One by one we poured out our daily frustrations, the status of our journey with Him, and just life in general and how we were feeling.
I drove home replaying the revelations in my mind, marveling that I had said what I had said… I didn’t even remember half of it, but I couldn’t believe that I had opened up like I did in such a large and varied group. It wasn’t a negative or even a positive reaction, just a silent shaking of the head in incredulity.
After that dialogue, every successive conversation I’ve had has just felt…fake, inadequate…banter becomes increasingly hard to swallow. I know I have to function in those spheres of conversation in order to relate to the rest of society, but there was something present in the room last night that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It’s almost as if we were starting off on a higher plane, a level of openness and trust to begin with that cut through the initial stages usually necessary to establish that quality, and just jumped right into what was in our heart, bypassing any qualms about vulnerability, but assuming (correctly) that we could lean on one another and let them into our confidence. Some delved deeper than others into what concerned them, what weighed on their soul, to be sure, but overall I think it was a rush of cold breeze cutting through the sometimes stagnant air of our routines, encouraging us to breathe deeper again…
Okay, so I’m a big proponent of kitchen dancing. It makes otherwise mundane chores like cleaning up, doing the dishes, and compiling the trash not chores at all, but quite pleasant experiences. It’s an amazing transformation, really.
I’m trying to cut back on my sugar intake. It dawned on me a few days ago that I eat an enormous amount of the stuff, what with my consumption of energy bars, sugared gum, peanut butter toast, and the like… I’m also going to make more of an effort to really cook. I get really tired of coming home and plopping in another rice dish or having a few slabs of pita bread for dinner. So who knows. I might even attempt fish this week. If it’s on sale, that is. In the meantime, something rather daring involving chicken is slated for tonight. Well, if we don’t have the leadership meeting, that is. In that case I just may have to toss something together.
I need to calm down. I’m feeling uncommonly jumpy today for some reason. It’s not the most comfortable feeling in the world. I’m just…keyed up. I don’t like it. Calm down. One thing at a time. Okay.
Small Sunday nights… at least that’s the way it feels, certainly after the grandeur of the weekend. But the still quality of the evening belies something deeper about it, something that embellishes the more ruthlessly exciting stretches of time we find ourselves in.The moments when we squeeze down into our chairs, pick a spot to stare at, and sift through the amalgam of thoughts and feelings amassed recently… We need the downtime. At least, I know I do.
The time spent in my parents’ driveway Saturday morning and into most of the afternoon was amazingly blessed automotively. My dad fixed the truck, I removed the engine from the Supra with remarkably little drama (thanks to the able assistance of Joel and John), and the garage entered the evening in a state of cleanliness that might surprise you if you’ve ever viewed it following a car fixing session of any variety.
After everything was put away, I collected odds and ends for the camping trip, made phone calls to ascertain our spot, and set out. Arrived at the campgrounds just before they closed the gates, gave Kelli and her dogs a ride to the campsite, made it to the location, and fired up the little Coleman stove. Jumbalaya was a success, even though I didn’t bring enough rice mix, but I think everyone was satisfied, my overarching goal beyond my petty pursuit of perfection in the area of meal preparation. Donald and Daniel started the fire (*cue Billy Joel song*) and we smored for a bit. I expressed to Leslie later on in the evening how wonderful it was to have an evening out with the leadership team where we didn’t talk about youth group at all or even consciously try to get to know one another better, but just to spend time with one another–telling knock-knock jokes if we wanted, or talking about the most seemingly inane things for an hour or three, seeing things in the fire, walking down to the lake, anything and everything all put together… It was refreshing beyond measure. It’s nice to enter a week substantially more open-eyed than I have after the all-too rare weekends when I actually get enough sleep.
Downtime at the Gazette. After progressing through EBTG, Harry Connick Jr, Marvin Gaye, and the Indigo Girls on our playlist, some Norah Jones is emanating unobtrusively from Susan’s computer’s speakers. It’s going well. Sixteen pages, but everything’s fitting. I was going to go to the concert tonight, but after ten hours of sleep combined in the last two nights, I might just take a nap, go for a run, and go to bed. We’ll see.
Feeling pensive, quiet. The type of mood that wants hot chocolate and a good conversation.
Interesting (not bad) dreams last night. But that’s the subject for another post…if I can remember them, that is. Should have recorded them when I got in this morning, but we kind of hit the ground running, so to speak. They’ll come back to me.