Waiting for laundry to finish. Feel keyed-up again tonight. Jumpy. Don’t like it. I think it’s because I took a 2-hour nap this afternoon on top of about 8 hours of sleep last night, and I just ate a pot of rice pilaf about an hour and a half ago. Regardless… eck. Sunday nights shouldn’t be like this. But there’s never really been a conscious blueprint in my life of how they’re supposed to be. I guess I just don’t feel good.
Had a rather disturbing realization earlier. I visited another Supra enthusiast in Cary today, just recently moved into the area from Atlanta, and we shot the breeze about all manner of car stuff, but mainly about my car’s situation, lacking an engine and such, and I ended up committing to buy an engine he had contacts about, as well as another wiring harness for said engine, something I need. It’s all fine and good; I did get a good deal, and I was treated fairly and got a respectible price, but… Coming home, thinking about it, thinking about everything that’s involved in this project and what’s left to get, and what I need to do, my mind going around in circles about it… I just had to cry out to Him. I felt my heart closing in around the project because I had so much invested in it, and I don’t want that. My heart shouldn’t be there, but it’s naturally drawn there because I have so many resources invested and soon to be invested in it. But it’s not the place for the car. It’s just transportation. It’s just a hobby. I think that’s another reason I’m feeling so jumpy–that left to itself my mind is naturally settling on thoughts about the project, and I don’t want it to be there, but I can’t just let it go, and and and… I need peace. His peace. I don’t want to be distracted by anything but Him.
I think running would help, but I’m just going to rest tonight, all the more since laundry isn’t finished and I just ate a while ago.
Youth group last night went well. My small group is essentially crowd control, but by the grace of God I actually got the 9th grade boys to go around the room and share prayer requests, and I did get a chance to talk to Devin, albeit for a short while, since he was sitting all by himself during group time. Pray for him. He’s undergoing a lot of family upheaval at the moment and isn’t doing particularly well in school either. But I feel so ill-equipped to minister to these guys. The whole group time is an exercise in holding their attention. If Andy (my co-leader) or I don’t keep them constantly engaged, then their attention drifts elsewhere, they start throwing anything and everything at each other and goofing off. But it’s slightly better than it was last year, amazingly, when they were all middle-schoolers. They don’t want to talk about the message; they don’t want to talk about how their week is going… But I have faith somehow, out of the blue, in some roundabout way, God is ministering to them. I haven’t the foggiest how it could be through me.
Donald and I are home alone tonight. He’s working on homework on his laptop in the living room, Over the Rhine playing on the stereo, and I’m in here typing. The kitchen is a little dirty, but I’ll get that cleaned shortly. I can’t believe it’s already 11. My mind wants the respite of sleep, knowing that it will relieve for at least a while, these thoughts assailing me, but I have a premonition tonight sleep won’t be particularly restful anyway. Besides the thoughts, it’s almost like my body is conditionned to receive a certain about of sleep in a given day, and if I get more, then things are about as off-kilter as they would be if I hadn’t gotten enough. Argh.
Gotta do something constructive.
rice pilaf!
I know from experience that it means so much when a youth worker reaches out to someone who is alone. When I was in youth, I always enjoyed the group activities, but what I really remember is when someone cared enough to talk to me when I was all by myself. When someone noticed that I needed someone to listen to me. I promise, just the fact that you are there for them means more than you think. You are ministering to those kids, Matt. God is working through you and will continue to do so.
Anyway, I hope you feel better.
Thank you, Emily. Means a lot to hear you say that. In a lot of ways I envy the leaders of the girls’ small groups, since they’ll naturally just want to sit down and talk and relate, etc… But then again, they probably don’t have occasional conversations about tanks, or go outside and play football for half an hour. So it all evens out I suppose :o)
Hope you’re having a good morning. Proud of you for getting your paper done, even if it was at like 4/5 in the morning. Nap today + Emily = Yep.
i know that jumpy feeling…s’no fun when you want to be sleeping/resting/relaxing. of course, i’ve been much closer to resembling the living dead than being jumpy of late…but i know how you feel. hope you slept well…