BoldUlysses.com

The bugs aren’t gone yet. I’m still waiting in fervent anticipation for that nice cold front that will decimate their population while daylight hours are still somewhat condusive to spending time outside or working on the car in the evening. Every once in a while I have to stop and take my seasonal bearings, usually in writing, since that’s when these things come out. The state fair is nearly upon us, too. Just a week or two before Philly cheese-steak and funnel cake bliss. And those big pumpkins, too, with the big blue ribbons on them. Yeah. Not to eat, though… Heavens no.

Jamin, Jordan, and Jake have gone to bed. Jake had a ride to soccer practice this evening, so my responsibilities as chauffeur were waived, and my evening was free. Nobody was at Strong’s, though, when I came, and I couldn’t for the life of me remember where the “discussion group” was meeting, so I just had a nice drive and trip to Lowes and Borders, Lowes to pick up some fasteners (I usually lose at least one during my big car projects), and Borders just to relax a bit. It didn’t work too well, so I returned and finished my book (Carry On, Mr. Bowditch). I’m going to sleep shortly.

Somewhere, the leaves are turning. Somewhere the plane of the sunrise is melted by the fire of the dawn. Sometimes, I…

My interview on Monday went great. Thank you all for your prayers… I’ll be hearing back probably within the next couple of days whether I got the job.

In the meantime, I’m nannying (au-pair-ing) for the children of a family in church whose parents are on a trip. The kids are very indepedent, and the house practically runs itself, but none of them have drivers licenses, so I’m there to provide rides, assist should a crisis arise, and to be there at night. Jake, who is 6, has been keeping me busy… We play “Guess Who” a lot.

The brownies on Sunday turned out great. I’m feeling keyed up and jittery for some reason today. It’s rather annoying, and not at all comfortable. At least the car has been reassembled (for the fiftieth time since I’ve owned it… *sigh* Maybe I should just leave it alone). It runs great… Just need to replace that funky alternator. This entry sucks. I’ll write more later.

Does this happen to any of you? You’re making brownies (or some other dessert of the chocolate and/or sticky variety) and you’re trying, say, to get the batter out of the mixing bowl into the pan, and there isn’t a clean spatula. So what do you do? You get a dinner knife and do the best you can to scrape the batter out. That doesn’t work too well, so you ditch the knife in favor of a small spoon. Of course, the spoon doesn’t have the required edge area necessary for proper batter scrapage, so you move to a bigger spoon. That works okay, but what you really needed what the darn spatula, and now you’ve dirtied three utensils when all you really needed to do the job was the one right one.

This happened to me with alarming frequency when I was living in Florida. Making an easy Mexican dinner or lunch, I’d sully a good three quarters of my flatware for no good reason other than I was just flailing about, trying things without thinking them through. I guess if you have enough utensils and a dishwasher, everything’s fine, right?

Gorgeous day. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon with a branch of Caterpillar, the construction company. They need a 3D computer modeler for the location which designs and builds the small “bobcat” front-end loaders. It’s a local job, and good money, which would enable me to see everyone around here on a fairly regular basis, pay off debts, save money, and take courses in preparation for missionary pilot school in 2003 or 2004. It’s a great opportunity, and I didn’t even have to seek it out. They contacted me, and have repeatedly taken the initiative to call me and keep me abreast of new developments in the hiring process, which I think is a good sign. Glory to Him for working everything out so far.

I’ll let you know how the brownies turn out :o)

I haven’t much to write in here, lately, much the same situation as a few months ago. Life continues, new possibilities open up, some doors close, and God is good. My muse is gone, though. It takes a lot for it to completely disappear, even from casual writing and journal entries and such. Inspiriation for poetry comes and goes with the inconstancy of a leaf’s shadow, but I can usually just sit and write prose. Je ne sais pas ce qui se passe…

What’s everyone listening to these days?

Juggling job possibilities at the moment… I have a secure, but interim job at GNC with the greatest boss in the world, Ed, another job that I’ve been hired for but haven’t started yet at a Mazda dealership working in the service department (i.e. mechanic), and the reason I haven’t started there yet: The third job possibility, a well-paying job at Caterpillar down in Sanford doing computer modeling. I’ve had to be as diplomatic as possible to all three parties, and it’s been difficult at times, but glory to Him that He’s holding it all together. The coolest part came earlier this evening, as I learned that my best friend is working with the very same Caterpillar plant in Sanford on his senior design project, so he knows many of the guys who work there. It would be amazing to be there and spend time with him more frequently, an antidote to the six months or so that I was in Florida, for sure. We’ll see what happens.

The second meeting of my car group is coming up this Saturday. I know guys will show up this time, as opposed to last weekend when my garage was woefully empty of activity. For some reason I’m more psyched about this time around than I was last week. It might just be my mood at the moment, or maybe last week I went through the preparations, kind of a rehersal, so this time I have less to worry about. I’m not sure.

I am surfing on the throw rug on the living room floor to the energetically hummed accompaniment of “Wipeout,” swaying wildly to the waves skittering across the hardwood floor, hanging ten as the occasion arises. Well, I’m not any more, but I was. I feel energetic tonight–don’t know why. Maybe because my younger brother won his HS soccer game 3-0 against probably their biggest conference foe? Maybe because my car group is starting up this Saturday? I’m not sure.

At least my cold has cleared up. I was able to yell a good bit at the soccer game and not simply pace around the bleachers like I did last game…

I feel good tonight. It might just be the bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream I had, but I’ll enjoy the moment regardless of the source.

Interview with a Mazda dealership tomorrow for a possible position in the service department. It’s at 9:30. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated :o)

Yes, yes, I need a nap. I know this. I’ve been ailing for several days, so this won’t be a pretty post.

Yesterday was incredibly busy in spite of the state of my immune system… I slept some in the morning, otherwise I’m sure I wouldn’t have made it through the rest of the day. I puttered around online, looking for job openings ’til just before lunch, then fixed the center brake light in our minivan, after which I ate lunch, made copious numbers of phone calls trying to get a bowling event organized and other matters straightened out, reinstalled the belt-driven fan on my car amidst much knuckle-scraping (those plastic fan blade edges are sharp), fought traffic over to Raleigh, where I met Paul, and reassembled the upper half of his car’s engine after investigating some valvetrain noise admist the mosquitoes, the sun, sweat, and my nose running like it does when I take a test, after which I drove to the dorm to pick up his stuff, then dropped him off in north Raleigh, fought traffic the rest of the way home, collapsed/ate dinner for 15 minutes (grilled catfish–yum), took a shower, then went bowling with some friends until late.

It takes a lot of hard work to get to the fun stuff, and when you get there, sometimes you realize that the fun stuff is just as much work as anything else. This is as insightful as this post is going to get this morning, so relish it. We had an eclectic group of people, but it was a lot of fun, especially during our second game when they turned on the blacklights and cranked the music. We’ll have to do it, or something like it, again.

New friends, new possibilities… Even in the midst of a momentary disappointment they rise again, undulating with the tenuous cloth of the present. The trials and upliftings of life interweave their coarse threads between the sleepy Tuesday afternoons and the radiant Friday mornings. My prophecy on Sunday pinpointed my situation and was of immense encouragement. God is so wonderful. I’m so thankful for His promises and His constancy.

I’ve decided I still like that car. I get frustrated at it when it’s not running right, kind of like one would get frustrated at their room for not being clean… There are different approaches to each end, of course, but I think the emotions resident as a result of them are related, at least. Even in spite of the alternator problems I’ve been having recently, I still really, really enjoy driving it. It is so effortless in everything that it does, turbine-smooth in the engine note, and absolutely serene on the highway, even in a downpour. The driver’s area is starting to look more and more like mission control for NASA, which I like, what with the re-addition of the air/fuel ratio gauge.

In other car news, I found out the cool techno song on the Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial is “Days Go By” by Dirty Vegas.

Drippy afternoon, at last. The rain falls like a mist sometimes, filtering the midday light like a gauzy film of droplets…

BT’s “Satellite” is a perfect soundtrack to such days.

I’m quite tired. Enough for a good, solid tired sigh, to be sure. *sigh* There we go.

Got up today at 6 to pray; didn’t go back to sleep this time, but went running with Erin, albeit for a short distance. We’re both getting back into our little fitness routines, though, so it’s perfectly understandable. I got home and had breakfast, and read the Word some, only to promptly conk out, and be woken by Mr. Cureton (Mike), my new mentor, call me on his cell phone and tell me he was waiting outside the house in his car… He runs a janitorial service to supplement the small income he receives from creating and heading up an organization in Chapel Hill to help out kids in the projects… I helped him clean an apartment today. It was great just to spend time with him. He’s an amazing man, with an incredible heart and enthusiasm… I learned a lot just by spending time with him, the main goal of the whole endeavor. He took me out to lunch afterwards and we talked theology over Hardee roast beef sandwiches. It was great. More later; we have company for dinner tonight.

More job hunting today… I have an interview at 3 with an art supply company in Raleigh which needs help doing website design and such. We’ll see how that goes.

There have been a number of subtle shifts in the framework of my outlook on life recently… Decisions that I’ve made and am carrying out, and new approaches to relationships. I’m happy, but eager for the job search to finally end. It will soon; I’m confident.

I’ve been getting up at 6 every morning to pray with my dad and see my brother David off to school. As hard as it is to pry my eyes open at that hour, it’s a blessing. And although I may feel less like I’m “on my own” than I did in Florida, I’ve met more wonderful people in the past few days than in the rest of the past six months. Relationships are great things, and I’m intent on pursuing them to the hilt.

The High Point job didn’t work out. Even though I think I wouldn’t have been as thrilled as I made out if I had gotten the job, it still hurts. I felt discouraged, and frustrated, and angry. It was especially acute this morning, but the emotion has lessened since.

I was a frustrated this morning since I got up rather late and found that every other person of driving age in the house had taken a car, leaving me with my two non-functional automobiles. I didn’t make it to church, but had a good time with God nevertheless. That’s the main reason the frustration and anxiousness has lessened. The Datsun needed some attentionn directed towards its brakes, and the Supra still needs a new alternator. Got the Datsun situation figured out this afternoon, so thank goodness that’s solved. Of course, it was just in time for the fan shroud to come loose and make the most awful racket as I was driving back from the gas station, where the price of air for the tires is now 50 cents, instead of being free, darn it. Well, there goes my patronage. Hmph.

Yeah, it’s one of those days.

“Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.” — Psalm 109:105

Yay for good days :o) My car is running again, thanks to the collaborative efforts of my dad and I, finding the loose battery connection. So yeah, it doesn’t need a new alternator (at least for the time being), just a new negative terminal clamp, much cheaper.

I got a call from the High Point job prospect today. I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow at 11:30… Please pray for me. My contact sounded very chipper and positive over the phone, but I think she always does. In any case, it’s a praise since the opening is still around and they’re interested in me. I’m psyched.

Also, I got a refund check today from the power company down in Florida, and it more than covers my last two bills, freeing me of at least one financial situation. There’s even enough money left over to pay for my trip to High Point tomorrow.

And I made some chicken noodle soup.

I’m back in North Carolina again. It’s so dry here. I’m amazed. I washed my car on Thursday afternoon and my dad about had a fit when he got back from work, saying that neighbors would report us, etc, etc… They take this water thing seriously, don’t they?

No job progress so far. I’ve been absolutely focused on moving this past week, and haven’t had time to really apply myself to that most pressing of tasks. I have an appointment at Piedmont Bible College on Monday, though, and I’m going to go talk to the Levolor people soon too. God is faithful, and good. Thank you all for your prayers :o)

Hey everyone, please pray for a dear friend of mine and her family. They’re going through a lot of stuff right now, so if you would lift them up in your prayers, especially the father and the mother… Thank you.

She’s right. Here I am, sitting in my room with the debris of the past six months around me. The past four and half years seem like such a waste, but I know they weren’t. God will pull things from those experiences that I’ll be able to use later on, and minister to other people. I can’t believe myself sometimes. I haven’t been able to see past the next month for as long as I can remember, and I even had myself convinced that I saw things far and wide. Well, reality check for Matt. I was about to be a window blind designer. *insert stream of expletives here*

I have talents, and skills, and abilities. I can take initiative; I have an analytical mind, and a decent amount of intelligence. And my God is bigger than this pathetic computer screen and apartment. He can accomplish miracles. I know what the desire of my heart is, and I’m going for it. Whatever it takes. Heh. I’m never going to have enough money anyway, but here I go.

This is it. This really is it.

Placid day (placiday?). At least the sun’s out again. No more downpours like yesterday’s, at least for a while. Perhaps the frogs will let me sleep tonight. Goodness knows my own mind deters sleep enough without their help. New record last night–a whopping two hours before I finally conked out. I don’t think my body likes my attempts to skew it back onto a reasonably normal sleep schedule. I will prevail in this matter. Discipline is the key. Well, that and being so tired after the day is through that you can’t help falling asleep in fifteen minutes. That helps too. So, no naps for me.

Many, many dreams last night. I was sleeping on the dream couch, so it was bound to happen. Automotive dreams, which I haven’t had in a while. There was one were I was very grateful to someone for someone for letting me have all the valve adjusting shims in his car’s engine’s cylinder head (something I need in real life, coincidentally). I just remember putting them all in a bag with some quarters (which they ressemble, being little metal disks), and then dropping the bag, and having to separate the shims from the quarters. In another part of the dream, I was at a concert of sorts… Oprah was hosting or something, and there was a tall, built gentleman (who looked not unlike Tim Robbins from a distance) guest perfoming. He wore a suit for the introduction, then put on a sort of 70’s glam-rock outfit for the performance. The stage props and scenery consisted of a giant fabric wind tunnel, all white, which was held up I don’t know how, but moved and swayed in the wind. Everyone at the concert was wearing a derivative of this wind tunnel prop by this point… White, billowy fabric… I acquired a hat fashioned out of the material, a sort of vertical tube that expanded to fit my head and made it look like I was wearing a nuclear power plant condensation tower… And my mom was at the door as we all left the concert, handing out Skittles to everyone. Yeah.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I’d been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity

No calls today. I feel like a hamster in an exercise wheel. Throw me something, people… Yay, nay… And I shouldn’t be like that. I am a talented professional. I have something that would add value to their company and their product line, whatever that may happen to be.

I wonder sometimes if I should just go back to school. I could work at GNC until I found another, more design-oriented job to pay the tuition bills. I want to work for another year, though, at least. Just work. My aunt Lucy was so encouraging over the phone, in spite of her obsession with my becoming a furniture designer. Maybe I should drive up and visit them for a little while. If nothing else it would make a nice road trip, and a good change of scenery. We’ll see. My brother Paul and some friends are coming down on Sunday or Monday to help me move. That will be good, both to have them down here and to move. See, right now I might as well be doing all my job hunting from a bunker in South Dakota. When I’m back up in NC, I can actually drive to places, present myself and my portfolio, and interact with people in person. And not that I won’t have a real sense of urgency and diligence about things, but I won’t have the move hanging over my head like I did here. That will help too. I still covet your prayers.

Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear…

It’s been taking me at least an hour to fall asleep lately. I really, really don’t like it. I start thinking about anything and everything, and for some reason, things that I can dismiss emotionally when I’m up and about play havoc with my feelings when I’m trying to fall asleep. I toss and I turn… Sometimes I really wish that I didn’t have to situate myself diagonally on the bed in order to really stretch out, but I do. And of course there’s a car alarm going off literally every five minutes all through the night (causing some of my neighbors to use a few colorful metaphors in its direction this morning), and either a weedwacker or a leafblower picked up where the car alarm left off (something with a high-pitched, two-stroke engine; that much is certain). I think I need to be really, seriously tired before I get in bed. That would help, I think.

I was getting really frustrated with the job hunt last night, but my patience is renewed this morning. I called my aunt Lucy in Boston yesterday evening, at least, and had a good long chat about lots of things, not least of which were job possibilities. She really wants me to go into furniture design for some reason, and seems to think that I can secure a job in that corner of industrial design without a single article of furniture in my portfolio and no significant woodworking projects as an undergrad. Granted, I did take a woodworking class, and I know my way around the shop fairly well, but still… One thing is certain, though–I need to start embellishing my portfolio. I can redo so many of the drawings, and make the general presentation so much more slick. And learn HTML, too… I do have that book. Today’s going to be a busy day; I can tell.

Wonderful church service this evening. Worship was awesome… They played some new songs, ones I hadn’t heard before, but that were really great. Picked up a sermon tape for my dad, too, the one that a guest speaker preached the Sunday that they visited.

The Supra got a routine wash and its biannual wax today. Waxing a car is a pain in the rear. I must’ve spent a good 2-3 hours out there. I tried to alternate arms so I wouldn’t end up terribly lopsided or something… Nah. My right arm was getting tired, though. It was kind of nice to be able to talk with all of my neighbors and watch people coming and going in the parking lot and around the pool. The car is shiny and smooth now. It’s going to need a new alternator soon, though. I get a good amount of bearing whine as the car idles right after startup, and it started overcharging momentarily a few times on the way home. Nothing serious, but I’d rather not have the alternator fail on me in the middle of nowhere.

I really hope I get a positive phone call tomorrow. I’m getting anxious about the end of the month approaching. Paul and his buddies are likely coming some time near the end of the week, though, so that will be fun. I need to start tying up loose ends, canceling utilites and such. It’s a bit sad, but I’m just moving on to different things. I won’t be here (meaning this limbo state) forever. God is faithful, and good. I was dwelling on my anxiety earlier this evening and worrying more than a bit about what’s to happen soon, which I don’t even know, and the Spirit brought to my mind 1 John 4:18, which says that perfect love drives out fear. It drives it out. Perfect love, His love, doesn’t just suppress fear, or whitewash it, or justify it, but drives it out completely. The verse is in the context of God’s judgement of everyone in the end times and relates to how we, as believers, don’t have to fear that judgement, being redeemed, but I think it applies to our everyday lives too, and the knowledge that God is with us, no matter what we’re going through, and that we don’t have to fear for our needs or for our future. That really spoke to me tonight. I’m very thankful.

Gotta flip the record over. Have a wonderful Monday, everyone :o)

Get your learn on today.

My back is really hurting. Maybe I slept on it wrong? Ever since Tuesday or so I’ve had a pain like a pulled muscle just to the left of centerline in the middle of my back… I thought it was getting better, but I guess it’s not. I think a massage might help, but if it’s a pulled muscle probably not. I dunno. It’s just annoying more than anything.

The phone interview went reasonably well. Thank you for your prayers. I got grilled for about twenty minues, then I fired as many questions back at them as I could. I think it ended better than it began. In any case, I’m trying not to turn every little snippet of conversation over in my mind and just move forward and be patient. I was nervous before the phone call, and I found that if I was actually doing something instead of just sitting waiting for the phone to ring, it eased the tension somewhat. I don’t think I’ve had a more productive couple of hours in my life…

Today’s been good too, and productive. Got some financial issues ironed out, and diversified my contacts a little bit in the interest of not hedging my bets on the High Point job. Looking forward to being able to sleep in tomorrow morning, though. I was up late last night tackling some drawings for my prospective employers.

And I need to get the soundtrack to the movie Rushmore. Funny movie, and great music…

I highly recommend the Hooverphonic album Blue Wonder Power Milk. It’s great, mellow music that complements a slightly world-weary mood tinged with a bit of wistfulness. It’s also good with fish, just like a fine white wine.

I have a phone interview tomorrow at 2 with folks from Levolor, in High Point, NC. I’d appreciate your prayers for me about that. The phone isn’t my best means of communication… It will be completely by His grace if I get the job.

Got bad cramps in my calves after running this evening… What else has potassium besides bananas? I’m not such a big fan of that fruit. It’s sweltering outside, too, even at 9 p.m. when I run. You can see the humidity hanging in the air. I felt like putting on scuba gear as I was running, but sadly, none was available.

I am listening to Pat Benetar. And enjoying it.

I’m restless. I think I’m sufficiently tired to conk out tonight without too much tossing and turning, though. My heart is pulled in fifty thousand different directions, my expectations sit everywhere and nowhere, and my hope, my hope… is so full, but… *sigh* These songs are pure emotion channelled through the vibrant air. Is there a more beautiful album than George Winston’s December?

It feels like I miss things I don’t even know yet. Some prescient nostalgia, coupled with an unnamed longing, fueled by dreams in the night… Elements of an uneasy soul. Is there more? Yes.

I’ve had nothing to write in here lately, nothing at all… My life is, in the words of Ms. Austen, a “endless succession of busy nothings.” Not that events haven’t been transpiring, but for some reason I haven’t felt the urge to disclose them, and didn’t want to force myself to type everything up stiffly in here. I don’t want this to be a static record of events, but something more expressive, but expression needs inspiration, and I haven’t found that lately… Well, perhaps a whisper, a gauzy shadow of inspiration has crept across my mind… but nothing that merited expression in this direction. I don’t know. Every time I try to examine the value of this journal, I come face to face with the paradox of its nature, the public/private duality of it all. I suppose that’s why the distinction is made as far as the security level of the journal entry we wish to post, but… still. I don’t know. Everything with come out right after I exorcise these musings, I’m sure.

I got an actual reply to a job inquiry yesterday. A yacht company in Chesapeake, Virginia sent me an application for employment. I don’t know if it’s standard practice for them to do that with every applicant, but, regardless, I promptly filled it out. I’m not sure how I’d feel about living in Virginia. If the process goes any further, I will have to scope things out, not only the area, but of course my possible employer as well. I don’t want to get myself into another Luhrs situation. I’ve been broadening my job searches lately, looking all up and down the east coast, and even some westward. It’s odd, but a part of me, now that I’ve lived for a bit down here in Florida, the state where my aunt, my mother’s sister, lives, wants to go to the other extreme and live in New England, the region where my mother’s other sister lives. But that’s all pretense. Though the snow and salt on the roads wouldn’t make for a happy sports car, something about the academic, sweaters-and-clam-chowder, deciduous-tree-paradise-in-the-fall culture does appeal to me immensely. I’m praying about it. These are just my daydreams.

The catalytic converter shield for my car came off today. It had been hanging down, and I worked it back into place as best I could every chance I got, but today it just came off in the apartment complex parking lot. Darn it. Well, I’ll just have David tack-weld it back on next time I’m in NC.

Got up way too late today and began my routine of emailing and calling places. Found out that my gross income last year wasn’t enough to qualify me for unemployment benefits since I worked part time and not a whole lot at that, maybe 10-15 hours a week. I finally got a call from the Autozone guy today about the job. I’m really wondering if I should take it. I don’t know. The sense of urgency about finding a job is really kicking in seeing as how I have to leave the apartment at the end of the month, and I’d really like to have someplace to go besides home when I do. It’s not that home is bad, it’s just I’m on my own now, and I don’t want to depend on them. I probably shouldn’t take the job at Autozone. I mean, I’ll only be able to work there a maximum of three weeks. Well, you know what, I’ll call the guy back tomorrow and discuss my situation with him and see what he says. If it doesn’t bother him that I wouldn’t be there very long, I’ll take it, otherwise, no. I’m not going to starve if I don’t, but it would be nice to have some extra money.

*sigh*

I think it’s time to apply for jobs I’m eminently qualified for, regardless of location. No more pickiness.

let’s go for a drive, baby, fly maybe
tear this canvas blue sky (fly baby fly)
let’s rip through the seams of our insecurities
onto deeper things; c’mon babe, try

What else could I say? Singing at the top of my lungs on a sandy road in the evening light… It’s simple, sure, but a cool simplicity, and I mean that in a refreshing sort of way. The virtues of just driving are rehashed and reborn in words one hundred thousand ways, and I found something new tonight, something grand… Join me?

i:she they
move, and through, more
coming, and coming upon
my meaning
strewn around the hedges and blasts
of fire the inky blackness swells
petulant
teeming with an unlife
gripping and moving, all in one surrounding
my eyes reverse their flow, and
bring with them something more of
the dawn, more of the whiteness

she says, and i hear, never to
turn my head, but keeping the ambiguity
at bay, revel in it. this is something to be
called forth, but the sentences were
frozen, knotted, and the vapors had
left for the summer, packing their suitcases
obligingly. perhaps it is, or maybe not
the words spring up
unbidden, but
topple, like unholy generals, marshalling
hordes of meaningless shapes
around a maypole of darkened ribbons and
plumes of war, the sonnet’s lost, my darling.
vaguely desireless, washed
and fallen into the portal of his ambition
more the whispers, the eyes turn again
in a rhythm of self-consciousness,
fumbling with feelings well-acquainted with
the time, and the textured walls–
stop. the names, they, more the names
and if spring metal soon flowers of foil
crush, and crush, and songs, always
the music. words, penniless creatures
assault visions, but only some
can truly be esteemed and bidden; the
rest–so much for them. line five, scene
fifteen thousand and nine, what is the
scratching of a poet but more tyrannous
sniffle-minded bombast, the fists of
his eyes knowing, possessing, but only
ekeing seven times less than

the calculated gait. they reach, they
long, grasping for the exalting church
bell spires ringing out hymns of simple
skies and blue more the wings of Sunday
mornings and everlasting risen on the tiptoes
and leaping smiles of the sun in full bloom
so much, so much to see, and to say
the heart surfeits to contain it all, and
needs another–even the reeling must
know whether his hands should
fingertips must, palms upward knowing
the air’s demeanor
but maybe contention swirls, streetlights
and the winter chill of doubts swirl among
his lips and then, the bells toll
again. is liberty something that the sheets
hold, or the curtains swung wide, draperies
framing the tapestry of leaves,
simply. celebrate, my love, for newness never
should follow a more deserving grace as yours.
and the roughing turns again among itself, its
own life.

My family made it home alright, of course, though not before driving through a deluge in southern NC on their way back up to Chapel Hill. My dad called me at 12:30 last night, very atypical for him, but I appreciated hearing that they had made it home okay.

Where do I go from here, God? Anywhere? What do I do more or differently than I am doing now? I feel at the mercy of any unfortunate event that may happen to come along, and at the mercy of many a very ordinary one, like bills and obligations and such, but I know I’m not.

David and my parents left earlier this afternoon at the end of a great week… The apartment was a bit crowded, but there were people here to talk to and who sympathized with me and prayed for me. It was great. We went to the beach, visited Embry-Riddle down in Daytona Beach, walked around downtown, and even saw the fireworks show last night with my aunt, uncle, and cousin, who has recently graduated and is looking for a job. She was able to offer her sympathies, too. My parents brought a whole stack of old records donated to them, for me to flip through and pick out what I wanted to keep. I found a whole bunch of ABBA, an Elton John greatest hits record (without Tiny Dancer, though, something I was slightly disappointed about), some great Fleetwood Mac albums (including two copies of Rumours), Pat Benetar, REO Speedwagon, Steppenwolf, and a copy of Pink Floyd’s The Wall in great condition. I didn’t realize what a great song Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” was until I listened to it on the turntable… It’s an experience I highly recommend.

Saw Ray from Luhrs today at the video store… Talked with him for a good long while. He was probably the guy at Luhrs whose company I enjoyed the most. It was good to see him. Picked up the French version of Cyrano de Bergerac… It’s going to be a dramatic evening :o)

My family (except for Paul) is here for the week, hanging out, partaking of their annual summer vacation to the beach… Their car had a blowout just north of the Florida border as they were driving down; fortunately my dad was able to maintain control and nobody was hurt, only the car is dinged up a bit. In between excursions to the beach, we’re looking for another rim for the car, as the existing one was bent out of all recognition after the tire separated completely at 70 mph… I’m sure it was scary. It’s nice having them here, especially David. We’re going to go visit Bob in about an hour and ogle once again his eclectic selection of VW Beetles and assorted car paraphenalia, and tomorrow we’re driving up to Jacksonville to help get Don’s Supra running. We’ve had great talks into the night, about school, youth group, God, without forgetting the essentials: girls and romantic interests. Of course, all this is interspersed between bouts of Twisted Metal Black and Gran Turismo 3 on the PS2 he brought down… We have to keep the deep conversations in check with some mindless computer-generated entertainment, you understand.

I have not been sleeping well. I thought about not sleeping at all last night, since I must have been tossing and turning for at least 45 minutes… For some reason my mind thinks the point when I lay my head on the pillow is the starting gun for an assault of thoughts and worries. It takes a concerted effort for me to rest my mind on images and situations than are peaceful and good and sleep-inducing. I wonder if it’s just the place I’m at right now? I’m not sure, but dreaming about my former job last night was not the most pleasant memory to wake up with. I dreamed that I had been rehired, but not by Rick, by Chris, the computer guy, but it was 1:30 in the afternoon, and I had to get back to work, and I knew that I was going to get roasted… It’s still with me. I really did not like that job, and it’s not just the aftermath of the dream speaking, either. Why can’t I have a decent night’s sleep?

Gotta clean. My family got out at 9:30 this morning (atypically late), so I have a little bit, but I want to hit the gym and work on the car for a bit before they arrive. It’s likely I won’t be posting quite as much next week as I have been, but I’m sure you all will survive without a constant stream of updates on my doings, goings-on, blood pressure, heart rate, thought life, etc…

Rained a bit today… Just enough to glisten off the windshield to the rhythm of the streetlights I passed under. It lent a certain relevance to the bridge of a U2 song I was singing along with.

My family is coming tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it, though the apartment isn’t nearly clean enough. They have a 8-9 hour drive; which is a good thing in this case.

I want this one.

the perfect light of evening reigns outside
and after that which is before
the sun coming within a bough of
darkened branch, and seeming to stay,
her shadows fly to reveal
the crispness of an evening well-tended;
sighing more, becoming nightfall
as shades and breezes flow between
the exhales of her star, reddening
and collapsing into one, her own repose.

Stayed true to the things I knew when I was younger
And food and love was all but left to hunger
It’s when I stray from the truth as I grow older
Too much leaves an empty hollow hunger

I think about you on a moonlit night
And all the stars all seem to weep
When there’s so much love to lose
There’s never any time for sleep

Peaceful, serene nights surround my hectic days. The daytime is full of stress and strain; I don’t sail through them softly by any means, and the nights are a welcome reprieve. Tonight my emotions are in knots, though, for no reason I can discern… It seems to be something akin to the Sunday night longings I habitually fall into, but this is a Tuesday night, well, Wednesday morning. I don’t know.

Everyone and everything is far, far away.

Perhaps it might be of some interest to you fine folks out there (though not me in the least) to read some of my journal entries from my senior year in high school. I never kept a journal for very long, and these were written for an English class, but be that as it may, they are still a slice of Matt history:

Sunday, November 3, 1996

I can’t believe it’s already November. It seems like September was just yesterday. Although the closeness of winter does not warm too many hearts, the transitional season is certanly not without its own joys. The leaves are one of the them. Looking out the car window last week, when I was on the youth retreat in the mountains, it was as if God had spilled on purpose His celestial paint bucket on the hillsides. The deluge of vibrant color was overwhelming.

I went by a discount store today to pick up some film and they had their Christmas decorations out. Their Christmas decorations! Halloween has just passed! This is, in the opinion of the author, rampant, insane, and totally out-of-control consumerism. I could not believe that. I think stores should at least wait till the beginning of December.

Monday, November 4, 1996

Anoter typical Monday (if you want the definition for that , see the October 7 entry). This week is crunch time for school with a capital “C.” This is week 9 out of 9 for the first quarter of the school year. That means, quite simply, that if I don’t have 9 weeks worth of work in an envelope on its merry way to Washington state where my correspondance people are, my head will be severed quite painfully from the remainder of my body. But this is a PG-rated journal, so I can’t go into details.

Attended Shakespeare Club meeting today. It was fun; we’re making progress with the play. I’m really not making any progress, though, fitting into the group. Not that I’m trying too hard; I do believe there to be much merit in being an individual, it’s just that it would be nice to be included in discussions and things like that sometimes.

Saturday, November 9, 1996

Today was the only day in one and a half yars of woking at Harris Teeter that I have witnessed the arrival of more than enough baggers. We actually had enough baggers to supply each register with one and have one bring in carts from the parking lot. I guess you really had to be there to experience the feeling, to know the thrill.

My parents and I saw a concert this evening at the Arts Center in Chapel Hill. Many different kinds of musicians were there. Every band, we noticed, had its own unique style, but a common theme united the concert: NC folk music and folk music from around the world.

We really had a lot of fun. The atmosphere was great–sort of like a coffeehouse, with the tables and all; dim lighting by exposed bulbs in a ceiling with its inner workings bared. A former teacher of mine performed–one David DiGiuseppe, a wizard of the accordion. Yes, I used to play the accordion. No kidding. As you may have inferred, I love accordion music, and the master did not disappoint, with a smattering of folk tunes spruced up with some of his own compositions. It was great to hear that instrument’s reedy voice and nostalgic, European sound after such a long hiatus

Monday, November 11, 1996

I really need to finish my work for this quarter. It is now the 11th week out of 9. This discrepancy does not make for a happy mom.

This was the third night in a row that I’ve been out for the evening. Today it was to a Wycliffe Bible Translators banquet with my parents. In case you haven’t heard of the organization, their title pretty much says it all. The banquet was a lot of fun, though. The chicken and cream dish was top-notch, and the speakers for Wycliffe were great. One of them was a missionary pilot, and he told us some missionary anecdotes and stories the way only missionaries can do (you know).

I would like to be a missionary pilot. I have always loved airplanes and flying, and that career choice would let me fly and do God’s work (though I suppose God’s work is whatever we choose to do anyways).

Tuesday, November 12, 1996

Physics class was this evening, yet again. She talked about “circular motion and forces” in great detail, confounding everyone except me (who did Saxon Physics last year) and Aaron (the brainiac). This gives me a sort of unfair advantage that I like.

Wednesday, November 13, 1996

Today was totally out of character for a Wednesday; it was quite busy.

Most of today’s busy-ness revolved around my car. You see, I replaced the front tires on it; actually, I swapped the front tires on my car for another Toyota’s that had been totalled; actually, I didn’t swap tires, I paid a mechanic muchos simoleans to pry the tires off the rims, switch them, and reattach them to my vehicle.

I was thinking about our cat, Cleo, today, and I just marveled at how God created such a consummate example of grace and fluidity. A cat is so poised and elegant in everything she does. Cats are well-proportioned as well, with their sinewy strength. They are just living works of creative art to me.

Finally… After emailing about two dozen companies about job listings, I get one response. Granted, it was just a job recuiting agency telling me that they had received my resume and would contact me if there were an opportunity, but still… It’s something. Perhaps I’m doing something wrong. Most of the listings don’t include phone numbers, and neither do their websites, and it’s likely most HR people would just ask me to fax or email my resume, but calling them is worth a shot. I will do that from now on. I’ve called a few places, only to be turned down, but I feel like I’m getting somewhere if I can just maneuver my way through the automated phone system and talk to the correct person. For my own sake, then, at least, I will call more.

Why do I want to return to North Carolina so much? I had no qualms about leaving the state behind and coming down here; my adventurous streak was in full force. Familiarity? Perhaps, but there are stronger reasons. I’m very close to my family, and I make few friends, but those I do make are very dear to me, to an extent I hadn’t realized until they were many hours away. Yes, my relationships with people are something I cling to tenaciously… They are more intertwined with the outpourings of my heart than I let on.

*sigh*

At least it’s not raining today… The sky is grey outside, though. I should probably keep my big mouth shut :o)

Afternoon naps speak the language of a grey day, telling it that we are resolute in our comfort and snugness, despite the day’s attempts to bring down our mood. I am refreshed, a bit bleary-eyed, still, but diligently blinking that away.

Church this morning was wonderful, as it always has been. The teaching was on our completeness and fullness in Him, and the pastor was more adamant and earnest than usual, preaching with energy, though all sprung out of a certain Joy; there was no fire and brimstone today. He had recently visited a black church in the city, and it certainly showed, to everyone’s delight in our racially mixed congregation. He said several times that he wished he had an organ accompaniment to the sermon, to underline certain words that he spoke, and near the end, one of the worship team climbed up on stage and obliged him for a few minutes. We were all laughing, but still taking to heart the Words sprung from the words given him, spoken to our hearts; the Ones that were breathed into our circumstances in life, exposing them as inconsequential in light of His power and majesty and provision. I would honestly stay in the area just to remain a local member of that church. Breakthoughs happen in abundance every week.

Another solitary, drippy day. I couldn’t get Geno on the phone all day… He must be out jetskiing or some such thing. In the meantime, I put the electric fan on my car in place of the belt-driven one. It moves a lot of air, believe me. I predict no cooling problems in either the immediate or the forseeable future.

I wish it would stop raining for a spell. It’s been raining almost continuously for more than a week, and, with their din, the creatures outside are going to relegate me permanently to the couch in the living room if the artificial swamp in the midst of the apartments persists. In any event, the cool wind was wonderful, and made me pause whilst I walked down the stairs to the car this evening, to return the movie. Perhaps it’s good, though, that all this disagreeable weather is taking place now, so it will clear up for my family’s arrival at the end of the week. I just wish I did have something to discuss besides the weather.

I suppose I do, though, if I put my mind to it. I speak of things immediate to my senses only out of complacency and habit, not of any desire to conceal those things which are closer to my train of thought during the day. I reread her letters from Romania today. It was two summers ago, such a distant time, that she spent a few months in that country before our reunion in southern France. She wrote me pages upon pages of her musings, ponderings, and reflections while there, in a lovely hand, however she may deny it. Her words are as captivating now as they were then, when they were like water for a parched soul yearning for her company during her long absence. She described her experiences in immeasurable detail, but what was, and is, more, she spoke words of boundless encouragement to me. Even in her more recent epistles, she builds me up in a way to which I was blind before tonight… I don’t know why I didn’t see it… My heart pains to recognize the neglect that I held towards her tenders of emotion. Perhaps I wanted to be encouraged and supported in a way she could not summon within herself? Perhaps indeed, but there were many things, many attributes, many character qualities that I wished to extend in her direction during our last weeks and months, but could not because of underlying issues in our relationship. So perhaps it was not her incapacity in herself to demonstrate those emotions that caused them to remain unrecognized by me, but the simple fact that many things were blocked by the resident sin, things that I should have extended to her as a man, and things she should have extended to me as a woman. The more likely possibility, though, is that I simply did not see the encouragement and support for what it was, and so chided her unjustly for the uplifting words, unheard, that she extended to the best of her ability. It was a grievous attitude, one that I repent of and will not repeat; that much is certain.

Meanwhile, the soft music, while effectively overbearing the intemperate noises of the night outside my bedroom window, is having the side effect of causing my eyelids to droop. The quieter music was necessary to put me in a frame of mind to write, but is now backfiring. That settles it. Goodnight, all.