BoldUlysses.com

The song came and went
Like the times that we spent
Hiding out from the rain under the carnival tent
I laughed and she’d smile
It would last for awhile
You don’t know what you got till you lose it all again

Listen to the mandolin rain
Listen to the music on the lake
Listen to my heart break every time she runs away
Listen to the banjo wind
A sad song drifting low
Listen to the tears roll
Down my face as she turns to go

Bruce Hornsby — Mandolin Rain

We traveled quite a bit while we were in Europe. Living near Nice puts one close to many countries with architectural relics, works of art, and generally many areas very appealing for parents with an affinity for travel and a mind to expose their children to things they would only otherwise read about in books.

One such excursion took us south down the Italian peninsula to the little town of Sorrento, across the bay from the city of Naples, and very close to the Isle of Capri. Naples has a low shore, but as the coast curves around the bay, the edge of the land rises up into sheer cliffs dozens of feet off the surface of the water and rocky, the breaking edge of the earth covered by windswept trees and grasses farther up the hill from the water. Sorrento is perched on the edge of a cliff, a town assailed by tourists, to be sure, but effective in holding off most of the shameless pandering that other towns have succumbed to.

We stayed in a hotel situated on the edge, in other words, one of the faces of the building melded into the cliff, and from a distance on the water only balconies and windows distinguished the hotel from the surface of cliff below it. Quays and docks floated below, just behind a breakwater to keep the waves from overturning the small population of dinghies and assorted craft. We were on the second or third floor in the hotel, with two rooms, one facing inland, towards the town, and one with the most unabashedly beautiful of all views over the bay, towards Naples on the right, mount Vesuvius peering above the layer of smog that blanketed the city across the bay, and the Mediterranean on the left, the coastline winding away and out of sight. From the balcony one could see around the edge of the hotel, up the hill above the town.

During the day the view was of a nature that would make every beautiful chord of music well up within you and you approached the window, but at night, at night… The rest of my family was occupied in the other hotel room; I was alone, reading by the lamplight. I felt the breeze on my bare feet, and turned around to see the long white curtains, hung from the high doors, brush outward from the base, from the wind’s breath. I bookmarked my novel and stepped through the white sheets onto the balcony, and my hands curled around the painted wrought iron of the railing as I looked. The lights from Naples, across the bay, quivered through the invisible smog and lingering heat of the day, and the moon above shone an insubstantial path on the water far below. I could smell the faint salt, and hear the broken waves lapping against the hulls moored to the networks of quays. The breeze brushed through my hair again and again as I stood, my fingers working their way through the intricacies of the railing. I turned around to look up the hill, and though the bright moon illuminated branches here and there, small lights dotted the land as it curved both ways, south out of sight to my left, and around towards the city on my right.

The spectacle was complete, a momentary condensation, a portrait of the ancient world we lived in for many years. I admire natural beauty as well, but that time was unique, with the air, and the fabric of the curtains, and the sensations playing around the fingertips of my mind. I guard memories like that and nurture them with care, because they become me, and are all I really have from then, “Moments in time, like tears in the rain.”

Am I the only one who thinks the PFR song “Last Breath” absolutely rocks? The succession of chords at the end of the song is just great, solid rock, then the song dissolves and crashes into feedback and apocalyptic guitar wails, underscoring the message of the song. On the album, it melts into “Life Goes On,” no slouch of a song in itself. They’re just a great pair of overlooked songs.

The job rigamarole continues. While waiting to hear back from my original interviewer, I’ll be interviewing for another position in the same plant… If you look at the situation in just the right light, it’s almost like they’re fighting over me. Heh. Me and my delusions of grandeur… They’re “determined to put me to work somewhere,” (their words) though, so it’s nice to be appreciated.

Nannying is done. The kids’ mom and dad arrived safely last night after a 5-hour delay. They were exhausted. I was happy to make most of the conversation driving them home, as they appeared to be in that glazed-over-with-tiredness mood. Praise Him that they got in safely, though, with no mishaps other than the delay.

Good morning all. *hears echo from the multitudes (okay, four. maybe): “Good morning, Matt!”* The weekend was a lot of fun. Friday evening I attended a get-together for the college group from my church, a cookout by the pool of the leaders’ apartment complex. Donald’s really starting to become a good friend. He’s into bikes, whereas I’m into cars, but we share enough common mechanical knowledge to have great conversations. We went to a movie night at Luis’ apartment last night and commented on Tombstone the whole time. I think you know that your sense of humor lines up with someone else’s when you can rip on a movie in progress (not too often, mind you) and they actually laugh. In any case, the party on Friday night was great; even the mosquitoes enjoyed themselves.

Afterwards I drove two guys from my Saturday morning car group to a monthy meeting of the Mazda Sports Car Club of NC, whose name sounds more lofty and official than the actual turnout at the meeting would indicate. Nevertheless, Nick and Mike, after being slightly confused and thoroughly debunked in all their Fast and the Furious-related aspirations concerning cars, achieved a state of automotive nirvana when given rides in a member’s immaculate 3rd-generation RX-7. It was actually quite amusing to witness their transformation from smug Vin Diesels-in-training to knock-kneed, slack-jawed puddles of automotive ecstasy, overcome with the smooth brutality of the most desirable Mazda’s accelerative prowess. I had fun talking to the guys, too.

Saturday night was a hoot, but not on account of Elyse’s wonderful pasta dinner. A group of us watched a Chinese vampire movie, which, if you haven’t seen one, is enlightening in terms of the peculiar idiosycrasies the Chinese assign vampires, such as, they may only hop, feet together, in order to move, and placing a small piece of paper containing Chinese characters on their forhead will “deactivate” them (but of course some of them will still twitch). If this sounds messed up to you, you’re on track. In its favor, though, the movie did contain a good deal more than its more elemental American counterparts, namely some decent suspense, the obligatory martial arts, humor, a smattering of romance, and even some touching scenes playing up the virtues of family values, even among bloodthirsty vampires. ‘Twas fun. Thank you Elyse.

Yesterday Jake (6) and I had a Lego war, something I’ve not done in eons. After showing Jake our stash of boxes upon boxes of Legos, I became more engrossed than I had intended in the process of creating a worthy spacecraft. It had to be perfect, you see, bristling with weaponry while still maintaining the fragile aesthetic balance warships often have. Jake just slapped some Legos together, and I think got a little impatient with my singlemindedness. In any event, he won the war due to a brilliant sortie by his largest spacecraft, armed to the teeth with (what else?) 19 lightsaber-wielding Jedi knights perched on the wings, which (obviously) deflected any incoming laser bolts I fired, trying to stave off the imminent destruction of my base. It was a bit of a pyrrhic victory for him, though, as I had already destroyed his main base and was on my merry way to vanquish his “secret” one when the unfortunate encounter with his ship occurred. Next time, next time…

The bugs aren’t gone yet. I’m still waiting in fervent anticipation for that nice cold front that will decimate their population while daylight hours are still somewhat condusive to spending time outside or working on the car in the evening. Every once in a while I have to stop and take my seasonal bearings, usually in writing, since that’s when these things come out. The state fair is nearly upon us, too. Just a week or two before Philly cheese-steak and funnel cake bliss. And those big pumpkins, too, with the big blue ribbons on them. Yeah. Not to eat, though… Heavens no.

Jamin, Jordan, and Jake have gone to bed. Jake had a ride to soccer practice this evening, so my responsibilities as chauffeur were waived, and my evening was free. Nobody was at Strong’s, though, when I came, and I couldn’t for the life of me remember where the “discussion group” was meeting, so I just had a nice drive and trip to Lowes and Borders, Lowes to pick up some fasteners (I usually lose at least one during my big car projects), and Borders just to relax a bit. It didn’t work too well, so I returned and finished my book (Carry On, Mr. Bowditch). I’m going to sleep shortly.

Somewhere, the leaves are turning. Somewhere the plane of the sunrise is melted by the fire of the dawn. Sometimes, I…

My interview on Monday went great. Thank you all for your prayers… I’ll be hearing back probably within the next couple of days whether I got the job.

In the meantime, I’m nannying (au-pair-ing) for the children of a family in church whose parents are on a trip. The kids are very indepedent, and the house practically runs itself, but none of them have drivers licenses, so I’m there to provide rides, assist should a crisis arise, and to be there at night. Jake, who is 6, has been keeping me busy… We play “Guess Who” a lot.

The brownies on Sunday turned out great. I’m feeling keyed up and jittery for some reason today. It’s rather annoying, and not at all comfortable. At least the car has been reassembled (for the fiftieth time since I’ve owned it… *sigh* Maybe I should just leave it alone). It runs great… Just need to replace that funky alternator. This entry sucks. I’ll write more later.

Does this happen to any of you? You’re making brownies (or some other dessert of the chocolate and/or sticky variety) and you’re trying, say, to get the batter out of the mixing bowl into the pan, and there isn’t a clean spatula. So what do you do? You get a dinner knife and do the best you can to scrape the batter out. That doesn’t work too well, so you ditch the knife in favor of a small spoon. Of course, the spoon doesn’t have the required edge area necessary for proper batter scrapage, so you move to a bigger spoon. That works okay, but what you really needed what the darn spatula, and now you’ve dirtied three utensils when all you really needed to do the job was the one right one.

This happened to me with alarming frequency when I was living in Florida. Making an easy Mexican dinner or lunch, I’d sully a good three quarters of my flatware for no good reason other than I was just flailing about, trying things without thinking them through. I guess if you have enough utensils and a dishwasher, everything’s fine, right?

Gorgeous day. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon with a branch of Caterpillar, the construction company. They need a 3D computer modeler for the location which designs and builds the small “bobcat” front-end loaders. It’s a local job, and good money, which would enable me to see everyone around here on a fairly regular basis, pay off debts, save money, and take courses in preparation for missionary pilot school in 2003 or 2004. It’s a great opportunity, and I didn’t even have to seek it out. They contacted me, and have repeatedly taken the initiative to call me and keep me abreast of new developments in the hiring process, which I think is a good sign. Glory to Him for working everything out so far.

I’ll let you know how the brownies turn out :o)

I haven’t much to write in here, lately, much the same situation as a few months ago. Life continues, new possibilities open up, some doors close, and God is good. My muse is gone, though. It takes a lot for it to completely disappear, even from casual writing and journal entries and such. Inspiriation for poetry comes and goes with the inconstancy of a leaf’s shadow, but I can usually just sit and write prose. Je ne sais pas ce qui se passe…

What’s everyone listening to these days?

Juggling job possibilities at the moment… I have a secure, but interim job at GNC with the greatest boss in the world, Ed, another job that I’ve been hired for but haven’t started yet at a Mazda dealership working in the service department (i.e. mechanic), and the reason I haven’t started there yet: The third job possibility, a well-paying job at Caterpillar down in Sanford doing computer modeling. I’ve had to be as diplomatic as possible to all three parties, and it’s been difficult at times, but glory to Him that He’s holding it all together. The coolest part came earlier this evening, as I learned that my best friend is working with the very same Caterpillar plant in Sanford on his senior design project, so he knows many of the guys who work there. It would be amazing to be there and spend time with him more frequently, an antidote to the six months or so that I was in Florida, for sure. We’ll see what happens.

The second meeting of my car group is coming up this Saturday. I know guys will show up this time, as opposed to last weekend when my garage was woefully empty of activity. For some reason I’m more psyched about this time around than I was last week. It might just be my mood at the moment, or maybe last week I went through the preparations, kind of a rehersal, so this time I have less to worry about. I’m not sure.

I am surfing on the throw rug on the living room floor to the energetically hummed accompaniment of “Wipeout,” swaying wildly to the waves skittering across the hardwood floor, hanging ten as the occasion arises. Well, I’m not any more, but I was. I feel energetic tonight–don’t know why. Maybe because my younger brother won his HS soccer game 3-0 against probably their biggest conference foe? Maybe because my car group is starting up this Saturday? I’m not sure.

At least my cold has cleared up. I was able to yell a good bit at the soccer game and not simply pace around the bleachers like I did last game…

I feel good tonight. It might just be the bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream I had, but I’ll enjoy the moment regardless of the source.

Interview with a Mazda dealership tomorrow for a possible position in the service department. It’s at 9:30. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated :o)

Yes, yes, I need a nap. I know this. I’ve been ailing for several days, so this won’t be a pretty post.

Yesterday was incredibly busy in spite of the state of my immune system… I slept some in the morning, otherwise I’m sure I wouldn’t have made it through the rest of the day. I puttered around online, looking for job openings ’til just before lunch, then fixed the center brake light in our minivan, after which I ate lunch, made copious numbers of phone calls trying to get a bowling event organized and other matters straightened out, reinstalled the belt-driven fan on my car amidst much knuckle-scraping (those plastic fan blade edges are sharp), fought traffic over to Raleigh, where I met Paul, and reassembled the upper half of his car’s engine after investigating some valvetrain noise admist the mosquitoes, the sun, sweat, and my nose running like it does when I take a test, after which I drove to the dorm to pick up his stuff, then dropped him off in north Raleigh, fought traffic the rest of the way home, collapsed/ate dinner for 15 minutes (grilled catfish–yum), took a shower, then went bowling with some friends until late.

It takes a lot of hard work to get to the fun stuff, and when you get there, sometimes you realize that the fun stuff is just as much work as anything else. This is as insightful as this post is going to get this morning, so relish it. We had an eclectic group of people, but it was a lot of fun, especially during our second game when they turned on the blacklights and cranked the music. We’ll have to do it, or something like it, again.

New friends, new possibilities… Even in the midst of a momentary disappointment they rise again, undulating with the tenuous cloth of the present. The trials and upliftings of life interweave their coarse threads between the sleepy Tuesday afternoons and the radiant Friday mornings. My prophecy on Sunday pinpointed my situation and was of immense encouragement. God is so wonderful. I’m so thankful for His promises and His constancy.

I’ve decided I still like that car. I get frustrated at it when it’s not running right, kind of like one would get frustrated at their room for not being clean… There are different approaches to each end, of course, but I think the emotions resident as a result of them are related, at least. Even in spite of the alternator problems I’ve been having recently, I still really, really enjoy driving it. It is so effortless in everything that it does, turbine-smooth in the engine note, and absolutely serene on the highway, even in a downpour. The driver’s area is starting to look more and more like mission control for NASA, which I like, what with the re-addition of the air/fuel ratio gauge.

In other car news, I found out the cool techno song on the Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial is “Days Go By” by Dirty Vegas.

Drippy afternoon, at last. The rain falls like a mist sometimes, filtering the midday light like a gauzy film of droplets…

BT’s “Satellite” is a perfect soundtrack to such days.

I’m quite tired. Enough for a good, solid tired sigh, to be sure. *sigh* There we go.

Got up today at 6 to pray; didn’t go back to sleep this time, but went running with Erin, albeit for a short distance. We’re both getting back into our little fitness routines, though, so it’s perfectly understandable. I got home and had breakfast, and read the Word some, only to promptly conk out, and be woken by Mr. Cureton (Mike), my new mentor, call me on his cell phone and tell me he was waiting outside the house in his car… He runs a janitorial service to supplement the small income he receives from creating and heading up an organization in Chapel Hill to help out kids in the projects… I helped him clean an apartment today. It was great just to spend time with him. He’s an amazing man, with an incredible heart and enthusiasm… I learned a lot just by spending time with him, the main goal of the whole endeavor. He took me out to lunch afterwards and we talked theology over Hardee roast beef sandwiches. It was great. More later; we have company for dinner tonight.

More job hunting today… I have an interview at 3 with an art supply company in Raleigh which needs help doing website design and such. We’ll see how that goes.

There have been a number of subtle shifts in the framework of my outlook on life recently… Decisions that I’ve made and am carrying out, and new approaches to relationships. I’m happy, but eager for the job search to finally end. It will soon; I’m confident.

I’ve been getting up at 6 every morning to pray with my dad and see my brother David off to school. As hard as it is to pry my eyes open at that hour, it’s a blessing. And although I may feel less like I’m “on my own” than I did in Florida, I’ve met more wonderful people in the past few days than in the rest of the past six months. Relationships are great things, and I’m intent on pursuing them to the hilt.

The High Point job didn’t work out. Even though I think I wouldn’t have been as thrilled as I made out if I had gotten the job, it still hurts. I felt discouraged, and frustrated, and angry. It was especially acute this morning, but the emotion has lessened since.

I was a frustrated this morning since I got up rather late and found that every other person of driving age in the house had taken a car, leaving me with my two non-functional automobiles. I didn’t make it to church, but had a good time with God nevertheless. That’s the main reason the frustration and anxiousness has lessened. The Datsun needed some attentionn directed towards its brakes, and the Supra still needs a new alternator. Got the Datsun situation figured out this afternoon, so thank goodness that’s solved. Of course, it was just in time for the fan shroud to come loose and make the most awful racket as I was driving back from the gas station, where the price of air for the tires is now 50 cents, instead of being free, darn it. Well, there goes my patronage. Hmph.

Yeah, it’s one of those days.

“Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.” — Psalm 109:105

Yay for good days :o) My car is running again, thanks to the collaborative efforts of my dad and I, finding the loose battery connection. So yeah, it doesn’t need a new alternator (at least for the time being), just a new negative terminal clamp, much cheaper.

I got a call from the High Point job prospect today. I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow at 11:30… Please pray for me. My contact sounded very chipper and positive over the phone, but I think she always does. In any case, it’s a praise since the opening is still around and they’re interested in me. I’m psyched.

Also, I got a refund check today from the power company down in Florida, and it more than covers my last two bills, freeing me of at least one financial situation. There’s even enough money left over to pay for my trip to High Point tomorrow.

And I made some chicken noodle soup.

I’m back in North Carolina again. It’s so dry here. I’m amazed. I washed my car on Thursday afternoon and my dad about had a fit when he got back from work, saying that neighbors would report us, etc, etc… They take this water thing seriously, don’t they?

No job progress so far. I’ve been absolutely focused on moving this past week, and haven’t had time to really apply myself to that most pressing of tasks. I have an appointment at Piedmont Bible College on Monday, though, and I’m going to go talk to the Levolor people soon too. God is faithful, and good. Thank you all for your prayers :o)

Hey everyone, please pray for a dear friend of mine and her family. They’re going through a lot of stuff right now, so if you would lift them up in your prayers, especially the father and the mother… Thank you.

She’s right. Here I am, sitting in my room with the debris of the past six months around me. The past four and half years seem like such a waste, but I know they weren’t. God will pull things from those experiences that I’ll be able to use later on, and minister to other people. I can’t believe myself sometimes. I haven’t been able to see past the next month for as long as I can remember, and I even had myself convinced that I saw things far and wide. Well, reality check for Matt. I was about to be a window blind designer. *insert stream of expletives here*

I have talents, and skills, and abilities. I can take initiative; I have an analytical mind, and a decent amount of intelligence. And my God is bigger than this pathetic computer screen and apartment. He can accomplish miracles. I know what the desire of my heart is, and I’m going for it. Whatever it takes. Heh. I’m never going to have enough money anyway, but here I go.

This is it. This really is it.

Placid day (placiday?). At least the sun’s out again. No more downpours like yesterday’s, at least for a while. Perhaps the frogs will let me sleep tonight. Goodness knows my own mind deters sleep enough without their help. New record last night–a whopping two hours before I finally conked out. I don’t think my body likes my attempts to skew it back onto a reasonably normal sleep schedule. I will prevail in this matter. Discipline is the key. Well, that and being so tired after the day is through that you can’t help falling asleep in fifteen minutes. That helps too. So, no naps for me.

Many, many dreams last night. I was sleeping on the dream couch, so it was bound to happen. Automotive dreams, which I haven’t had in a while. There was one were I was very grateful to someone for someone for letting me have all the valve adjusting shims in his car’s engine’s cylinder head (something I need in real life, coincidentally). I just remember putting them all in a bag with some quarters (which they ressemble, being little metal disks), and then dropping the bag, and having to separate the shims from the quarters. In another part of the dream, I was at a concert of sorts… Oprah was hosting or something, and there was a tall, built gentleman (who looked not unlike Tim Robbins from a distance) guest perfoming. He wore a suit for the introduction, then put on a sort of 70’s glam-rock outfit for the performance. The stage props and scenery consisted of a giant fabric wind tunnel, all white, which was held up I don’t know how, but moved and swayed in the wind. Everyone at the concert was wearing a derivative of this wind tunnel prop by this point… White, billowy fabric… I acquired a hat fashioned out of the material, a sort of vertical tube that expanded to fit my head and made it look like I was wearing a nuclear power plant condensation tower… And my mom was at the door as we all left the concert, handing out Skittles to everyone. Yeah.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I’d been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity

No calls today. I feel like a hamster in an exercise wheel. Throw me something, people… Yay, nay… And I shouldn’t be like that. I am a talented professional. I have something that would add value to their company and their product line, whatever that may happen to be.

I wonder sometimes if I should just go back to school. I could work at GNC until I found another, more design-oriented job to pay the tuition bills. I want to work for another year, though, at least. Just work. My aunt Lucy was so encouraging over the phone, in spite of her obsession with my becoming a furniture designer. Maybe I should drive up and visit them for a little while. If nothing else it would make a nice road trip, and a good change of scenery. We’ll see. My brother Paul and some friends are coming down on Sunday or Monday to help me move. That will be good, both to have them down here and to move. See, right now I might as well be doing all my job hunting from a bunker in South Dakota. When I’m back up in NC, I can actually drive to places, present myself and my portfolio, and interact with people in person. And not that I won’t have a real sense of urgency and diligence about things, but I won’t have the move hanging over my head like I did here. That will help too. I still covet your prayers.

Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear…

It’s been taking me at least an hour to fall asleep lately. I really, really don’t like it. I start thinking about anything and everything, and for some reason, things that I can dismiss emotionally when I’m up and about play havoc with my feelings when I’m trying to fall asleep. I toss and I turn… Sometimes I really wish that I didn’t have to situate myself diagonally on the bed in order to really stretch out, but I do. And of course there’s a car alarm going off literally every five minutes all through the night (causing some of my neighbors to use a few colorful metaphors in its direction this morning), and either a weedwacker or a leafblower picked up where the car alarm left off (something with a high-pitched, two-stroke engine; that much is certain). I think I need to be really, seriously tired before I get in bed. That would help, I think.

I was getting really frustrated with the job hunt last night, but my patience is renewed this morning. I called my aunt Lucy in Boston yesterday evening, at least, and had a good long chat about lots of things, not least of which were job possibilities. She really wants me to go into furniture design for some reason, and seems to think that I can secure a job in that corner of industrial design without a single article of furniture in my portfolio and no significant woodworking projects as an undergrad. Granted, I did take a woodworking class, and I know my way around the shop fairly well, but still… One thing is certain, though–I need to start embellishing my portfolio. I can redo so many of the drawings, and make the general presentation so much more slick. And learn HTML, too… I do have that book. Today’s going to be a busy day; I can tell.

Wonderful church service this evening. Worship was awesome… They played some new songs, ones I hadn’t heard before, but that were really great. Picked up a sermon tape for my dad, too, the one that a guest speaker preached the Sunday that they visited.

The Supra got a routine wash and its biannual wax today. Waxing a car is a pain in the rear. I must’ve spent a good 2-3 hours out there. I tried to alternate arms so I wouldn’t end up terribly lopsided or something… Nah. My right arm was getting tired, though. It was kind of nice to be able to talk with all of my neighbors and watch people coming and going in the parking lot and around the pool. The car is shiny and smooth now. It’s going to need a new alternator soon, though. I get a good amount of bearing whine as the car idles right after startup, and it started overcharging momentarily a few times on the way home. Nothing serious, but I’d rather not have the alternator fail on me in the middle of nowhere.

I really hope I get a positive phone call tomorrow. I’m getting anxious about the end of the month approaching. Paul and his buddies are likely coming some time near the end of the week, though, so that will be fun. I need to start tying up loose ends, canceling utilites and such. It’s a bit sad, but I’m just moving on to different things. I won’t be here (meaning this limbo state) forever. God is faithful, and good. I was dwelling on my anxiety earlier this evening and worrying more than a bit about what’s to happen soon, which I don’t even know, and the Spirit brought to my mind 1 John 4:18, which says that perfect love drives out fear. It drives it out. Perfect love, His love, doesn’t just suppress fear, or whitewash it, or justify it, but drives it out completely. The verse is in the context of God’s judgement of everyone in the end times and relates to how we, as believers, don’t have to fear that judgement, being redeemed, but I think it applies to our everyday lives too, and the knowledge that God is with us, no matter what we’re going through, and that we don’t have to fear for our needs or for our future. That really spoke to me tonight. I’m very thankful.

Gotta flip the record over. Have a wonderful Monday, everyone :o)

Get your learn on today.

My back is really hurting. Maybe I slept on it wrong? Ever since Tuesday or so I’ve had a pain like a pulled muscle just to the left of centerline in the middle of my back… I thought it was getting better, but I guess it’s not. I think a massage might help, but if it’s a pulled muscle probably not. I dunno. It’s just annoying more than anything.

The phone interview went reasonably well. Thank you for your prayers. I got grilled for about twenty minues, then I fired as many questions back at them as I could. I think it ended better than it began. In any case, I’m trying not to turn every little snippet of conversation over in my mind and just move forward and be patient. I was nervous before the phone call, and I found that if I was actually doing something instead of just sitting waiting for the phone to ring, it eased the tension somewhat. I don’t think I’ve had a more productive couple of hours in my life…

Today’s been good too, and productive. Got some financial issues ironed out, and diversified my contacts a little bit in the interest of not hedging my bets on the High Point job. Looking forward to being able to sleep in tomorrow morning, though. I was up late last night tackling some drawings for my prospective employers.

And I need to get the soundtrack to the movie Rushmore. Funny movie, and great music…

I highly recommend the Hooverphonic album Blue Wonder Power Milk. It’s great, mellow music that complements a slightly world-weary mood tinged with a bit of wistfulness. It’s also good with fish, just like a fine white wine.

I have a phone interview tomorrow at 2 with folks from Levolor, in High Point, NC. I’d appreciate your prayers for me about that. The phone isn’t my best means of communication… It will be completely by His grace if I get the job.

Got bad cramps in my calves after running this evening… What else has potassium besides bananas? I’m not such a big fan of that fruit. It’s sweltering outside, too, even at 9 p.m. when I run. You can see the humidity hanging in the air. I felt like putting on scuba gear as I was running, but sadly, none was available.

I am listening to Pat Benetar. And enjoying it.

I’m restless. I think I’m sufficiently tired to conk out tonight without too much tossing and turning, though. My heart is pulled in fifty thousand different directions, my expectations sit everywhere and nowhere, and my hope, my hope… is so full, but… *sigh* These songs are pure emotion channelled through the vibrant air. Is there a more beautiful album than George Winston’s December?

It feels like I miss things I don’t even know yet. Some prescient nostalgia, coupled with an unnamed longing, fueled by dreams in the night… Elements of an uneasy soul. Is there more? Yes.

I’ve had nothing to write in here lately, nothing at all… My life is, in the words of Ms. Austen, a “endless succession of busy nothings.” Not that events haven’t been transpiring, but for some reason I haven’t felt the urge to disclose them, and didn’t want to force myself to type everything up stiffly in here. I don’t want this to be a static record of events, but something more expressive, but expression needs inspiration, and I haven’t found that lately… Well, perhaps a whisper, a gauzy shadow of inspiration has crept across my mind… but nothing that merited expression in this direction. I don’t know. Every time I try to examine the value of this journal, I come face to face with the paradox of its nature, the public/private duality of it all. I suppose that’s why the distinction is made as far as the security level of the journal entry we wish to post, but… still. I don’t know. Everything with come out right after I exorcise these musings, I’m sure.

I got an actual reply to a job inquiry yesterday. A yacht company in Chesapeake, Virginia sent me an application for employment. I don’t know if it’s standard practice for them to do that with every applicant, but, regardless, I promptly filled it out. I’m not sure how I’d feel about living in Virginia. If the process goes any further, I will have to scope things out, not only the area, but of course my possible employer as well. I don’t want to get myself into another Luhrs situation. I’ve been broadening my job searches lately, looking all up and down the east coast, and even some westward. It’s odd, but a part of me, now that I’ve lived for a bit down here in Florida, the state where my aunt, my mother’s sister, lives, wants to go to the other extreme and live in New England, the region where my mother’s other sister lives. But that’s all pretense. Though the snow and salt on the roads wouldn’t make for a happy sports car, something about the academic, sweaters-and-clam-chowder, deciduous-tree-paradise-in-the-fall culture does appeal to me immensely. I’m praying about it. These are just my daydreams.

The catalytic converter shield for my car came off today. It had been hanging down, and I worked it back into place as best I could every chance I got, but today it just came off in the apartment complex parking lot. Darn it. Well, I’ll just have David tack-weld it back on next time I’m in NC.

Got up way too late today and began my routine of emailing and calling places. Found out that my gross income last year wasn’t enough to qualify me for unemployment benefits since I worked part time and not a whole lot at that, maybe 10-15 hours a week. I finally got a call from the Autozone guy today about the job. I’m really wondering if I should take it. I don’t know. The sense of urgency about finding a job is really kicking in seeing as how I have to leave the apartment at the end of the month, and I’d really like to have someplace to go besides home when I do. It’s not that home is bad, it’s just I’m on my own now, and I don’t want to depend on them. I probably shouldn’t take the job at Autozone. I mean, I’ll only be able to work there a maximum of three weeks. Well, you know what, I’ll call the guy back tomorrow and discuss my situation with him and see what he says. If it doesn’t bother him that I wouldn’t be there very long, I’ll take it, otherwise, no. I’m not going to starve if I don’t, but it would be nice to have some extra money.

*sigh*

I think it’s time to apply for jobs I’m eminently qualified for, regardless of location. No more pickiness.

let’s go for a drive, baby, fly maybe
tear this canvas blue sky (fly baby fly)
let’s rip through the seams of our insecurities
onto deeper things; c’mon babe, try

What else could I say? Singing at the top of my lungs on a sandy road in the evening light… It’s simple, sure, but a cool simplicity, and I mean that in a refreshing sort of way. The virtues of just driving are rehashed and reborn in words one hundred thousand ways, and I found something new tonight, something grand… Join me?

i:she they
move, and through, more
coming, and coming upon
my meaning
strewn around the hedges and blasts
of fire the inky blackness swells
petulant
teeming with an unlife
gripping and moving, all in one surrounding
my eyes reverse their flow, and
bring with them something more of
the dawn, more of the whiteness

she says, and i hear, never to
turn my head, but keeping the ambiguity
at bay, revel in it. this is something to be
called forth, but the sentences were
frozen, knotted, and the vapors had
left for the summer, packing their suitcases
obligingly. perhaps it is, or maybe not
the words spring up
unbidden, but
topple, like unholy generals, marshalling
hordes of meaningless shapes
around a maypole of darkened ribbons and
plumes of war, the sonnet’s lost, my darling.
vaguely desireless, washed
and fallen into the portal of his ambition
more the whispers, the eyes turn again
in a rhythm of self-consciousness,
fumbling with feelings well-acquainted with
the time, and the textured walls–
stop. the names, they, more the names
and if spring metal soon flowers of foil
crush, and crush, and songs, always
the music. words, penniless creatures
assault visions, but only some
can truly be esteemed and bidden; the
rest–so much for them. line five, scene
fifteen thousand and nine, what is the
scratching of a poet but more tyrannous
sniffle-minded bombast, the fists of
his eyes knowing, possessing, but only
ekeing seven times less than

the calculated gait. they reach, they
long, grasping for the exalting church
bell spires ringing out hymns of simple
skies and blue more the wings of Sunday
mornings and everlasting risen on the tiptoes
and leaping smiles of the sun in full bloom
so much, so much to see, and to say
the heart surfeits to contain it all, and
needs another–even the reeling must
know whether his hands should
fingertips must, palms upward knowing
the air’s demeanor
but maybe contention swirls, streetlights
and the winter chill of doubts swirl among
his lips and then, the bells toll
again. is liberty something that the sheets
hold, or the curtains swung wide, draperies
framing the tapestry of leaves,
simply. celebrate, my love, for newness never
should follow a more deserving grace as yours.
and the roughing turns again among itself, its
own life.

My family made it home alright, of course, though not before driving through a deluge in southern NC on their way back up to Chapel Hill. My dad called me at 12:30 last night, very atypical for him, but I appreciated hearing that they had made it home okay.

Where do I go from here, God? Anywhere? What do I do more or differently than I am doing now? I feel at the mercy of any unfortunate event that may happen to come along, and at the mercy of many a very ordinary one, like bills and obligations and such, but I know I’m not.

David and my parents left earlier this afternoon at the end of a great week… The apartment was a bit crowded, but there were people here to talk to and who sympathized with me and prayed for me. It was great. We went to the beach, visited Embry-Riddle down in Daytona Beach, walked around downtown, and even saw the fireworks show last night with my aunt, uncle, and cousin, who has recently graduated and is looking for a job. She was able to offer her sympathies, too. My parents brought a whole stack of old records donated to them, for me to flip through and pick out what I wanted to keep. I found a whole bunch of ABBA, an Elton John greatest hits record (without Tiny Dancer, though, something I was slightly disappointed about), some great Fleetwood Mac albums (including two copies of Rumours), Pat Benetar, REO Speedwagon, Steppenwolf, and a copy of Pink Floyd’s The Wall in great condition. I didn’t realize what a great song Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” was until I listened to it on the turntable… It’s an experience I highly recommend.

Saw Ray from Luhrs today at the video store… Talked with him for a good long while. He was probably the guy at Luhrs whose company I enjoyed the most. It was good to see him. Picked up the French version of Cyrano de Bergerac… It’s going to be a dramatic evening :o)

My family (except for Paul) is here for the week, hanging out, partaking of their annual summer vacation to the beach… Their car had a blowout just north of the Florida border as they were driving down; fortunately my dad was able to maintain control and nobody was hurt, only the car is dinged up a bit. In between excursions to the beach, we’re looking for another rim for the car, as the existing one was bent out of all recognition after the tire separated completely at 70 mph… I’m sure it was scary. It’s nice having them here, especially David. We’re going to go visit Bob in about an hour and ogle once again his eclectic selection of VW Beetles and assorted car paraphenalia, and tomorrow we’re driving up to Jacksonville to help get Don’s Supra running. We’ve had great talks into the night, about school, youth group, God, without forgetting the essentials: girls and romantic interests. Of course, all this is interspersed between bouts of Twisted Metal Black and Gran Turismo 3 on the PS2 he brought down… We have to keep the deep conversations in check with some mindless computer-generated entertainment, you understand.

I have not been sleeping well. I thought about not sleeping at all last night, since I must have been tossing and turning for at least 45 minutes… For some reason my mind thinks the point when I lay my head on the pillow is the starting gun for an assault of thoughts and worries. It takes a concerted effort for me to rest my mind on images and situations than are peaceful and good and sleep-inducing. I wonder if it’s just the place I’m at right now? I’m not sure, but dreaming about my former job last night was not the most pleasant memory to wake up with. I dreamed that I had been rehired, but not by Rick, by Chris, the computer guy, but it was 1:30 in the afternoon, and I had to get back to work, and I knew that I was going to get roasted… It’s still with me. I really did not like that job, and it’s not just the aftermath of the dream speaking, either. Why can’t I have a decent night’s sleep?

Gotta clean. My family got out at 9:30 this morning (atypically late), so I have a little bit, but I want to hit the gym and work on the car for a bit before they arrive. It’s likely I won’t be posting quite as much next week as I have been, but I’m sure you all will survive without a constant stream of updates on my doings, goings-on, blood pressure, heart rate, thought life, etc…

Rained a bit today… Just enough to glisten off the windshield to the rhythm of the streetlights I passed under. It lent a certain relevance to the bridge of a U2 song I was singing along with.

My family is coming tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it, though the apartment isn’t nearly clean enough. They have a 8-9 hour drive; which is a good thing in this case.

I want this one.

the perfect light of evening reigns outside
and after that which is before
the sun coming within a bough of
darkened branch, and seeming to stay,
her shadows fly to reveal
the crispness of an evening well-tended;
sighing more, becoming nightfall
as shades and breezes flow between
the exhales of her star, reddening
and collapsing into one, her own repose.

Stayed true to the things I knew when I was younger
And food and love was all but left to hunger
It’s when I stray from the truth as I grow older
Too much leaves an empty hollow hunger

I think about you on a moonlit night
And all the stars all seem to weep
When there’s so much love to lose
There’s never any time for sleep

Peaceful, serene nights surround my hectic days. The daytime is full of stress and strain; I don’t sail through them softly by any means, and the nights are a welcome reprieve. Tonight my emotions are in knots, though, for no reason I can discern… It seems to be something akin to the Sunday night longings I habitually fall into, but this is a Tuesday night, well, Wednesday morning. I don’t know.

Everyone and everything is far, far away.