on sneaking around
In the interest of combating slight boredom, I will now share a few techniques I’ve developed from years of searching through parents’ closets before the appointed day for hidden Christmas gifts… among other activities. You’d be surprised at how versatile some of these are:
- Popping knuckles are the enemy. Stretch all your joints and particularly your feet beforehand. Rolling your feet around on the ground and some simulated sneaking in a safe environment can get rid of those last few pops.
- Everyone walks differently, so the most inaudible method of walking will be somewhat case-specific. The general idea, though, is to plant one’s foot on the ground in the most gradual way possible. This is usually accomplished by touching the outside ball of the foot first and then rolling gradually to the heel as the step is taken. Walking with a very fluid, whole-body motion will minimize the low “thump” of each footfall, a prime giveaway of one’s activity.
- Remember, the letter “s” is far and away the most audible sound when talking. If you doubt this, simply slowly decrease the volume of a talk radio program. What’s the last vestige of sound to remain audible? The “s,” of course. Thus, especially when sneaking with others, if you must talk, substitute a breathy “th” sound for the “s” in all your words. With a little practice this becomes second nature. If properly done, you will be surprised at how inaudible your conversation is, even when you think you are sure to be overheard.
- Staircases are a tricky proposition. A squeak or two may be inevitable. However, stepping on the edges of the steps, near where they meet the wall, increases the chances they will be firmly supported and thus will not creak. And whatever you do, avoid holding the railing. Sliding your hand along it inevitably produces the dreaded and very audible “s” sound. The trade off in terms of stability is, in the author’s estimation, tolerable.
- Socks are infinitely preferable to any other type of footwear.
- Before rummaging about through another’s belongings, always make a clear mental note of the location of everything–and I do mean everything. How many degrees the door was cracked, the angle of the papers on the desk, which drawers were open, which lights were on, even the placement of the covers on a bed. Everything must be reset exactly the way you found it. Zero residual presence is the key. If you are unable to search an area without the possibility of resetting it afterward, do not touch it.
- When opening a door, be aware that both the first and the last parts of the latch movement will be the loudest. It is also advisable to push the door in against the frame when completing the movement of unlatching it, just in case the door is slightly sprung inward.
Naturally, I will faithfully instruct each of my future children in the finer points of these techniques.
One Christmas I knew my sister had a present hidden and right where it was. She said if I peeked, she wouldn’t give it to me.
Of course we all know I peeked. And to my horror , it was a Bible. Well, I was felt so guilty, I confessed everything. She gave it to me anyway.
I think I still have it.
How did they know you peeked before you confessed? What gave you away?
Oh I just meant…we know where this story is going…they didn’t know I peeked until I ran to them in tears like a little prodigal son ;-) ..er daughter
Hahahahahahaha, that’s awesome. Sounds like something that would’ve happened in my family.
plus…if you master the “th” you can go to spain and live in barcelona like a native.
grathiath (gracias)
lol!
(and yes, that ‘lol” has nothing to do with your post, though your post was amusing in that you’ve actually thought all of it through before, haha)
but yes, anyhoo, check out the article below, it had me almost falling out of my ergonimically incorrect office chair. not just because it was absurdly funny, but because I could see that being an actual thought process in your mind, hahaha ;) enjoy…
http://go.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=9215807&src=eDialog/GetContent
Hahaha :)
I actually do know what a Stromberg carburetor looks like (they’re similar to the S.U.’s on my little blue Datsun) and the analogy is surprisingly easy to make… I’m amazed it hasn’t been done before :)
Hay M, I saw this post, thought of you, and decided that you’d probably love life more if you added this.
I’ve actually been following that feed :) I’ll add it formally now though.
Happy Thursday to you!