I can’t work today. I’m going to come in possibly tomorrow or Wednesday for a bit, even though we’re technically closed. Today is…not happening. I feel jumpy again, keyed-up, uncomfortable. There are a lot of things weighing on my mind, some good, some less so, but all recipients of a fair amount of emotion, more than they should probably be. I was feeling within a shade of the same way last Thursday, but I went for a drive with Leslie and talked everything out… Somehow that always helps me. My feelings are always far too intertwined with my circumstances, I’m convinced.
Christmas party for the youth leadership team tonight that I’m not sure I want to go to. This is definitely it–if there were more parties than this in the season I think I’d have to start declining. I’ve reached the threshold. I still feel ambivalent about how well I fit in with them, but it bothers me less now than it did, though you’d be hard-pressed to tell a difference. Thinking about it, a lot of it just comes down to group mechanics in general and how well I relate to that, since thinking about each of the youth leaders individually, I feel quite comfortable. And I catch myself again–it’s like dancing, you don’t think about it, you just do it. I overanalyze my life away. It’s funny how I always count on reason and sensibility to be my solace when the situation makes me uncomfortable. Like if I just think about why I’m feeling this way, and rationalize that away, everything will be fine. Yes, that’s worked grandly in the past. But I’ll make it. My mind is jumping around too inconsistently for me to be able to offer anything of substance this afternoon anyway…
I hope you feel better, Matt. Things will clear up.
Praying for you.