I should’ve known better than to attempt suspension work at 11:30 in hopes of spending a few quiet, easy hours tinkering with the car… It was completely counterproductive, and instead precipitated a colossally terrible mood last night that seems to have perpetuated, albeit overlapping other emotional spheres, into this evening. I didn’t get anything of worth accomplished last night, but struggled with several key bolts and nuts for the better part of an hour before getting sufficiently fed up and reassembling everything. It normally wouldn’t be that hard, but one aspect of the event that fed into my bad mood was the fact that the proper tools for the job seem to have taken a hiatus from my garage, so things weren’t easy, nevermind the lack of daylight and the presence of my already overwhelming tiredness.
So now I’m here at work. Not doing any work. I brought a DVD and watched that, since my computer back at the apartment doesn’t have a DVD player, and sometimes I’d just like to watch movies without interruptions or queries into how much longer the film will last so that another apartment tenant can watch football or some such. I hate coming here on a Sunday… but I don’t know where else I’d go. You know that feeling that arises when you’re overwhelmed–the heavy, pensive stares for minutes on end, alternating with quick glances around the room, the breathing that deepens and is somehow more shallow simultaneously… It feels like it’s almost taken over. I just need to know this is where I’m supposed to be right now. Among other things. Deeper things. Things I never hear but would make a vast difference if I did. Things I can’t say but lie embedded in my outlook like [insert simile here]. I feel emotionally spent, like I did after the run yesterday, but not physically. Jim said it right when he expressed, in reference to the vision for the next few years of my life, that it’s easier to steer a vehicle when it’s moving than when it’s standing still. It’s absolutely true–and the want-to-dos, should-be-doings, and have-to-dos dam up inside me, and I can’t get past them to see the next hour, much less even tomorrow. Am I doing it all wrong? Am I tilting at windmills? Am I expending all my energy only to rise this far above the level of just existing? I can’t close my eyes; I’ll miss a thought, a moment, a chance to plan, to accomplish, to do something I should… And I know, at least partially, why it is, too…but I can’t say. I can’t say.
Do you actually have to do work, or are you just trying to get out of the apartment?
Kinda both. For what it’s worth I was reasonably productive…after the whole cathartic entry, that is.
Hope you’re having a wonderful morning :)