out with it
Time to come clean. I failed my checkride yesterday. Five hours of constant mental exertion took their toll and I entered a ground reference maneuver upwind instead of downwind, 180° from the direction it should have been started. After recognizing and vocalizing my failure, hearing the examiner tell me to take him back to the airport was like a punch in the gut. I managed to pull it together and land the airplane, and he knew he didn’t have to say anything to supplement my utter disappointment and frustration at myself. I just wanted out, to drive away, to feel as much of the feeling as I could in that moment in the hope that I would use it all up as quickly as possible. I didn’t play any music, I didn’t listen to anything on the way home–I didn’t want anything to be associated with the moment of failure. It wasn’t easy.
The worst of it is there was a part of me that felt like I let down Diane. I send her an e-mail every night before I go to bed, and she replies when she wakes up in the morning (earlier than me). Yesterday, though, since I got up to practice landings before the checkride, I left before she had had a chance to reply and didn’t get to check my e-mail until I returned in the early afternoon. I didn’t want to read it; I had a premonition that it would contain an affirmation like, “I know you’ll do fantastic and pass with flying colors,” which would have been gut-wrenching to read after having crashed and burned, figuratively speaking. But after closing my eyes and clicking on the message, I opened them to discover what she really wrote, in so many words, “Regardless of the outcome, you are a tremendously brave person and totally worthy of respect and all my love.” I can’t express what that did to me. It was perfect. Even now, I read those words and my heart is filled to the brim.
I didn’t hurt anyone. No one suffered for the consequences of my failure except for my pride and probably my bank account (another practice flight or two). I will take another checkride where all I’ll have to demonstrate will be a good soft field landing and a couple of ground reference maneuvers. I’m not getting off the horse, as it were, by a long shot. So all in all, the repercussions aren’t terribly dire. Still, it can’t help but precipitate a self-evaluation of whether I’m really cut out for this. Praying about it quite a bit.
you can’t keep me from talking
can’t keep me from praising you
when you’re around
I can kind of relate-I failed my driving test the first time around, (I almost rana stop sign I did not see, I was so nervous) and the tester directed me back to the parking lot. It was such an awful feeling. I think that this was just a bump in the road. You seem so happy to write about flying. I have confidence in you. I dont think you needed me to say that, it seems like you realize that this was just a small thing. Diane is right, you are.
But, of course!
No, nothing major to say here. Just, you know. Anyway. Understand?
;o)
Today will be a great day.
-d
to feel as much of the feeling as I could in that moment in the hope that I would use it all up as quickly as possible
I totally understand this and do it myself. I feel like it’s something like paying back a debt before a lot of interest accrues.
You know, that’s probably okay. Sometimes we get distracted and make mistakes. It’s human, and you know you’ll remember extra well next time.
Best news is that you’ve got a loving, intelligent other person who rocks your world.
M-
During a particular time, it’s not unusual when an answer that you seek doesn’t reveal itself. However, it’s always beautiful when another that you may be seeking surfaces in that instance.
Isn’t it?
Things will get better with the flights. Keep your head up. Then again, you know this. I’ll be praying. :)
~M
I will definitely remember from now on. Just wish I could do it right the first time, every time, you know?
And yes. I do indeed. I’m so thankful.
That’s a lovely thought, and I agree. Thank you Meredith :)