BoldUlysses.com

Lindsey said:

if you ever have any thoughts/insights on the situation of adjusting ambitions that are dear to you for the sake a current relationship, i’d be interested in reading them.

I won’t sugarcoat it. It feels like a huge sacrifice. I’ve had to adjust my current track toward missionary aviation significantly and even that ambition hangs in the balance, although the possibility of me being a pilot (commercial) is still alive and well.

And it scares me. The stakes are so high in a relationship anyway, and having a child in the mix just raises them even further. Lately there’s been an almost overwhelming tension in me between being open with her about my fears and insecurities vis-a-vis the relationship and not wanting to burden her any more with those. There are so many demands on her as it stands now–mother, student, daughter (she lives at her parents) and now girlfriend. She needs someone committed and emotionally/situationally stable, and I’m doing my best to be that for her, although it will be said that lately I’ve been discovering that letting her in on some of my struggles isn’t as counterproductive as my instincts led me to believe.

But in terms of reconciling life goals and ambitions with a relationship, I wish I had a golden insight. I’ve always been attracted to the “dare to be great” situations, but in this one, as I feel the need to compromise more and more, I would be lying if the thought didn’t creep in that I may have bitten off more than I could chew. It really is the deep end. The funny thing is that I had been praying for more situations in which I would have to be more outwardly-focused, to get out of myself and be relational, and this certainly fits the bill.

I wouldn’t be with her if I didn’t sense within her a latent adventurousness and courage. She is aware and has (from what I can see so far) the personality profile to be able to thrive in an unfamiliar cultural setting, something key for me. Not that it would necessarily take place (as much as I would wish it to), but in terms of understanding the composition of my personality and outlook on the world, having that “detached” perspective on our society really is essential.

She needs security, but she is mature enough to be able to distinguish circumstantial (financial, logistical) security from its more deep-seated counterparts (emotional, spiritual, physical). In other words, she doesn’t equate the “white picket fences,” suburban American dream with real stability–she knows that real, desirable stability comes from those abstract qualities in a relationship: trust, vulnerability, love, respect and a deep, deep bond. Which, in practical terms, makes it more likely that she would be on board with a large locational/career shift as long as she knows she is supported, valued, cherished and loved.

But in the end, it comes down to compromise. I hesitate to say that we have a set capacity for experiencing joy in our lives, but I think about it this way: Whatever joy and satisfaction I would have derived from staying my original course and fulfilling my ambitions in a straightforward, linear fashion, I consider to be more than made up for in the joy and companionship of her presence in my life. I always knew that God had me in this place for a reason, and I hope it’s still to become a missionary pilot, but it would be pretentious of me to stay locked into that goal. Yes, I’m a visionary, but I take it one step at a time, same as everyone.

In any case, it’s time for me to get out of myself and focus on others. It’s time. Adulthood and maturity are attained with the death of narcissism. There are bigger things in this world than a tightly clung-to track in life.