so come lose your life for a carpenter’s son
Published on January 2, 2006
- Driving through downtown Winston-Salem earlier on my way home, the car got me. It had been raining the entire way and I had the music turned up, so the ambient noise was considerable, but over all that, just under the Broad Street overpass, I heard a metallic rattling. I switched off the music and listened. The noise seemed to come from the right side of the car. I immediately suspected the right axle shaft, whose outer CV joint boot I had repacked and replaced not three months ago. I let up off the gas–the car definitely seemed to be making the noise under deceleration, a low-frequency, faint mechanical tapping. I wondered about the oil level in the engine since I have yet to replace the leaky front main seal and oil pump gasket (this coming weekend) and have to top off the oil periodically, but no, I had added a quart before I left. The noise persisted and I was getting a little concerned when I looked down at the passenger seat. My mom had packed me two tins of cookies to bring back to the house, and stacked on top of one another, their position had shifted when I had gone over an expansion joint or something such that they would tap together when I let up off the gas pedal. I unstacked them and the noise ceased, to my relief. Here’s to easy fixes.
- I turn 27 in three weeks. 27. Not a prime number (ideal), but divisible by 1, 3, 9, and 27. Not too bad.
- Leslie and I hung out for a bit last night over at her place. She had been scrapbooking alone most of the day so I provided some actual human interaction. We ended up watching her copy of Girl with a Pearl Earring. It was a quiet film, but good, and beautifully shot. One of the main themes from the movie, that we’re all ultimately searching for innate understanding from those we care about, has been done many times in print and in film, but for some reason last night’s variation on the theme really hit home. Maybe it was the referent of the theme in the movie, artistic perception. Whatever the case, after the movie was finished I felt a very keen longing for that kind of understanding in someone else. Leslie and I talked about it some and came to the conclusion that in the context of a romantic relationship, even the overwhelming desire to understand isn’t enough; the existence, the state of understanding is what we’re after. And of course that’s too much to expect on every level of our personality, and certainly there can’t be an understanding on those parts of us unique to our status as male and female, but on a certain plane, in a certain deep, fundamental part of us, we need to be understood. Whether that understanding in a mate requires an identical set of circumstances to yours depends on the nature of things in you, but in most cases I’d venture to say that’s not necessary. Let’s say you came from a difficult family background and decide you need understanding in those elements of your personality shaped by that situation. I don’t think it follows that your mate will necessarily have to have had that exact same set of circumstances duplicated in his or her own life in order to understand what you’ve been through. So that makes the prospect of finding someone who knows what it’s like a more tenable affair. As for me, I know the corners of who I am that need that innate understanding, and after the film last night, I’m ready to find the person who understands. Really. I’m ready.
- It’s so nice to have a washing machine and a dryer in the house. I will never take that for granted again.
- Heather’s going to Paris for a week tomorrow. She’s never been to Europe before, and I’m ridiculously excited for her (coupled with a fair amount of healthy jealousy of course :)
- I think I’m ready for the week ahead, work, resuming flight training and all of that. Checkbook is balanced, house is clean, dishes are done, laundry is in process, going for a run in a few minutes. We’re set.
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I think bullet number 3 would make for a great topic of discussion during the next
Earl Grey… errr… Coffee Theology night.As for turning 27… indeed, it’s not prime, but it is a cube! And that’s pretty special. Being a square (25) isn’t so bad, but 24 was great… TONS of divisors! (Sorry, I’m such a nerd.)
Just read this, “Love is not a feeling but rather knowledge of the other person—an understanding of motivations, thought patterns, and preferences.” I found that interesting and possibly somewhat relevant.
Hope you didn’t get caught in the rain!
Good quote. It is relevant. I agree superficially but tend to focus my pursuit of and need for understanding a bit more. In other words, instead of the broad swath of “motivations, thought patterns and preferences” alluded to in the quote, I’d say that there are perhaps only two or three areas in which we truly need a deep understanding. In the example put forth in my post, for instance, the person with the difficult family background may only need a deep, knowing understanding of that situation in their life and perhaps one or two more. The level where those connections are made influences many other, more surface-level manifestations of our personality. So having an understanding at that point means that a much larger portion of their personality and actions will be understood by default. Visualize a flower–adding food coloring (“understanding”) to the water (the “deep level”) means that the petals will be colored accordingly. The effects of the location of that initial additive permeate themselves through the plant.
I did get caught in the rain, but only during the last couple of minutes of my run. It’s only water :)
But, just like with your flower-avec-food-coloring example, the food coloring takes time (“time”) to get from the water to the petals (I’m going to air quote these as “the broad swath of things”); so, my question is, would you not get a more complete understanding in the long run? And would that not be what you would encounter first?
I suppose my thinking is slightly flipped (possibly not slightly). Let me explain by going back to your original example. I would think just the understanding of that difficult background of the first (whether also experienced or otherwise gained by the second) wouldn’t necessarily be enough. You stated,
But, let’s say the first person finds the second to have this deeper understanding in part, but the second can’t quite fill up the vase otherwise. Just because you put food coloring in the water, doesn’t mean the stem is going to reach it. But, I do agree, once it does, all the petals get colored.
I guess what I’m saying is that I feel it all goes hand in hand. With deep understand of certain circumstances in part comes potential for broader understanding of the person in whole. Without the broader understanding to come, all you really have is empathy for a situation. But, in the same light, since your vase is usually opaque, you have to rely on the pedals to know what’s in the water. Similar argument, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith… not by works, so that no one can boast.” “But show me your faith without works, and I will show you my faith by what I do.” Luckily this is less doctrinal and more personal preference/opinion!
As for your “it’s just water” comment, I love the rain! Most people don’t like getting wet, however I typically have a “lift my hands and spin around” moment when I get in the rain! I have stories, but I’ll hold off. I’ve been rather wordy lately!
Oh I’m not saying that the fundamental understanding alone is sufficient to build a relationship on, just that it’s a pretty essential part if true emotional intimacy is sought after. I think we basically agree :)
I’ll use another quick example of what I’m talking about. I have several friends who were involved in Division I athletics in college (swimming, track and field), which involves intense training and stiff competition. They pushed their bodies and their wills to a level most of us never reach. And invariably when I ask them about what was once a very large part of their lives–athletic competition–and try to understand the rigors of it, I can’t. I haven’t experienced something like that. I want to understand; I can try to empathize based on their descriptions of the intensity of it all, but no matter how much I want to I can never really have that deep knowledge. It gives them an inherent understanding among themselves, a common ground; when they talk to each other and reminisce, there’s understanding in their looks.
If not athletic in nature, most of us have been through some deep emotional and/or physical ordeal like that at some point in our past. All I’m saying is that the ideal situation is to find someone who instinctively knows what it was like.
Yeah, that felt more like a 45° argument, rather than a full, head on collision of ideas…
I do like your example, but now it has me thinking… Will I ever find someone who just knows what it was like being a mascot for one of the top Division II teams in the nation? The struggles, the heat exaustion, the pressure of it all… :::sigh::: The quest continues… : )
if it’s not too personal…
so what are 3 things about you that you feel are compulsory for the significant other you are searching for to understand.
I’ll e-mail you tonight about it.
Hahaha
That’s a tough requirement all right. You were a one-woman team out there with the mascot suit on :)