Thanks for all the shared excitement concerning the camera’s rediscovery, but as it turns out, it was something of a hollow victory, since now I can’t find the cord that connects the camera to the computer, and of course it’s a unique Nikon item that I can’t find at Best Buy or whatever, and the card reader I bought won’t read the size cards it takes… I swear it’s all a conspiracy, all starting with those special camera batteries.
I’m so tired of everything. I’m tired of my interests, I’m tired of where I am now, tired of complaining and moping about lack of direction and purpose onto here. I thought I had a dream; I thought I knew for sure about where I’d be in a year or three, but now I’m not so sure anymore. Was it just something that I held in front of me so I could settle that part of my life? It’s looking increasingly likely, especially since the Europe trip and the degree of emotion with which I felt myself respond to the possibility of living in France, which makes my motivation to start pilot school pale in comparison. I guess I just don’t want a repeat of what happened in college, where I chose my major based on where I thought I should be, doing something I felt I had talent for, not necessarily something I loved, which just pulled the legs out from under the whole affair, since my motivation, my drive, was marginal to begin with. In other words, just because I’m good at math, for example, doesn’t mean I like it…
And I’m starting to feel that was about my “dream” of being a missionary pilot. I’ve had this far-off vision since the latter years of high school, and what do I have to show for it? A good bit of research, a few months volunteering at a missionary aviation organization, some prayer letters sent out, a few other odds and ends, but that’s it. I’ve not invested in it in months, and it’s been on my mind the whole time… Is this just a temporary lapse of motivation, or is it a sign of something more permanent? Goodness knows it’s not the first time I’ve been in this place, but it’s the first time I’ve questioned things so seriously. And it’s not something I can come back to later after a few years overseas, either–pilot school takes around 3-4 years to complete, and the cutoff age for hiring in the field is around 30… And I’m pushing 26.
I don’t know anymore. I just know I don’t want to be here. And I don’t want to waste any more time musing about, trying to figure out where I’ll be headed next. I want to be packing, so to speak, I want to be on my way.
I need a shower and a shave.
take the dreams that should have died
the ones that kept you lying awake
when you should’ve been all right
and throw ’em all away
re: pilot
Don’t give up on the pilot idea, you can do your private license in 6 months to a year, im doing it now… its worth it.
“For once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.” – Da Vinci