Once upon a time there was a tiny, adorable, cute little can of cranberry sauce and its name was Cran-Tinkle. All the ladies and girls in the city of Gronzinsky were obsessed with Cran-Tinkle and wanted it for their Thanksgiving meal, even though it wouldn’t feed much.
So the first day of Thanksgiving shopping season arrived and a mob of ladies and girls rushed the grocery store with such force that they ripped the doors off their hinges and blew a hole twice the original size in the side of the grocery store.
Cran-Tinkle was located at the back of the store, so it would take the ladies a while to make it to the can. They fought with torches and pitchforks and swords and catapults and bo-staffs and were almost to the can when a tank appeared and rolled over them.
A woman popped out of the tank’s hatch and said “My name is Olga, and Cran-Tinkle is mine!” But just as she was about to grab the can, a bomb landed on her, cratering the middle of the store.
A fighter jet landed in the parking lot, and a woman opened the canopy and said “My name is Artanian, and Cran-Tinkle is mine!” But just as Artanian was about to grab the can, a battleship cruised over her.
The captain jumped off the deck and said “My name is Jennifer, and Cran-Tinkle is mine!” But just as Jennifer was about to grab the can…