harder than it has to be
I sold the red RX-7 last Saturday. With the departure of the Datsun (tentatively scheduled for Labor Day weekend when my parents will be in town), I’ll be fun car-less for the first time in about five years.
The truth is that I never really wanted the red car in the first place. I want to go to marriage counseling with Diane, and the car was an effort to find emotional solace in something, even though I knew full well, even going in, that it’s a piss-poor substitute for actually fixing the dysfunction in our marriage. And it was enjoyable to work on, and yes, I did get excited about it when it crossed my mind, so that provide some measure of relief, but in the end it was an exercise in futility. And I knew it. So now it’s gone, so at least that part of my life is simplified.
I’ve been actively looking for a new job. I’ve called a number of recruiters, and one responded with what looks like a really good opportunity in San Fransisco. Diane doesn’t want to even think about it, but I would really like to consider it. Sure, the cost of living is higher, but I would be paid much better, and it would be something different. She’s already too far from her family as it is, though. We got into a fight the other day over it, and she said the only way I would get the job would be if I moved out there by myself and sent money back. These days, I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t crossed my mind…
I’m emotionally exhausted every day. On top of the turmoil our marriage generates, there’s the stress of my job, and the stress of my son’s behavior problems, compounded by the double temptations of spending money irresponsibly on another car and trying to fight back the desire to reach out to any number of former female acquaintances (lately it’s been Heather P.) in hopes of making a connection, any connection. I have to fight that, but good Lord it’s hard.