and i wonder where we are
I guess this is a pretty typical mood for a post. I remember feeling this way writing LJ posts back in the day; the more coherent and thoughtful ones seemed to emerge from this state of mind.
I don’t even know what the hell is going on. I do know I’m pretty tired of sleeping on the couch downstairs like I have been since mid-December (going on nine months now). It’s all choices; it all comes down to the choices she and I make. She doesn’t love me, doesn’t understand me and from what I can tell has no desire to improve upon either.
I still have old e-mails in my dormant Lycos account. I’ve purged the inbox, but the “sent” folder is still stocked with replies I wrote to people I connected with via my old journal. I miss that feeling of connection, of initiative being taken in my direction based on something intellectual or verbal that I offered… Initiative being taken in my direction: How long has it been since I’ve felt that? But I digress.
I’m so conflicted about writing in here. I feel like I need an audience for motivation, but I’m hamstrung by the fact that I have to be selective about what I share publicly for the sake of my family. It certainly was easier when I was single. Maybe I should go back to LJ, even though that place is a commercial sinkhole compared to what it used to be.
And the days, weeks and months slip by, unrecorded. My children grow and my thoughts age, and I feel like my capacity to even set things down in words atrophies, which is probably the truth. I’ve got to do something. This is too important not to.