I think I’ve passed through my angry-at-the-world mood I exhibited in my last post… I go through those every now and then. Sometimes Sunday nights serve as a conduit for them. Sunday nights are like the twilight zone of my emotional life–anything can happen. Tonight was tempered by a good drive and beautiful night skies, scattered clouds with stars sprinkled among them, and the cool wind blowing all around.
I’m still not sure how I feel about her. I think part of friendship is opening yourself up to someone else, making yourself vulnerable. It’s taking a risk, in effect, becoming somewhat emotionally tied in with the other person. I think that’s why I have trouble talking with her these days… I’ve been so open with her in the past, and am so emotionally tied into her well-being, that it hurts to hear what she’s doing most of the time. I care for her so desperately, but I’m not a masochist. A lot of time and a lot of God will heal these wounds, but for now they’re still open. It doesn’t help matters that I have way too much time to think, either. At least one good thing has come of this, though: I’ve become a first-rate car singer. I can belt it out, windows up or down, with the best of ’em. “Walking in Memphis” by Marc Cohn is a cheesy pop favorite :o)
Part of me wants her to go to Africa and have time to reflect on the semester and really be effective in what she’s doing over there, and part of me wants her to stay. I don’t know why. Perhaps there’s the hope that we might see each other over the summer? I’m not sure. It would be good to see her again… But then the hurt would come flooding back. Time, yes. We need time, at the very least. And we need to grow, as well.
I’ve been thinking and praying a lot about missionary pilot school lately. I have a good job that pays well, and I’m living by myself, so I don’t incur an incredible number of expenses. I need to save money. This is something I’m convinced of. I would appreciate your prayers about this. I feel, and have felt for a long time, a conviction that the destiny that God’s called me to is to be involved with missionary aviation in some way, be it a pilot, or a mechanic, or in some other capacity. I’ve been researching schools a bit, but could stand to do more. Still, I need your prayers. I would still need a lot of financial support if I were to endeavor something like that. Missionary pilot school is expensive. But it’s my dream.