Why does it feel like I’m winning battles but losing the war? Too little too late, yet again. I’ve been in this place before. My exams are going well; I’ve been more diligent than I’ve been all semester, but a general feeling of malaise shadows me.
I need people. This is something I’ve been realizing more with each failure and shortcoming. I need people to keep me accountable. I need to be needed in some way, to help, to connect with someone else, to pour myself into the life of someone whom I don’t feel an immediate attraction to. But more than anything, I need honesty. I’ve been lying to myself and others about so many things for so long, and if I’m ever going be accountable to someone and be of any use to others, I need to be honest, otherwise everything is undermined. You can’t be held accountable if you’re not honest. And I need someone besides my dad to be accountable to. He loves me, I know, and he has my best interests at heart, but he has 21 years of “dad” inside him, the first reflex of which is to lecture and not listen. It’s not that I don’t believe in his ability to change; he has, albeit slightly, it just I know there will be at least a modicum of condemnation when I come to him with my recent struggles; it’s just the way he is. And that’s the last thing I want in the world. I’m willing to surrender my pride and admit I’m having difficulties, but if he starts lecturing again I don’t know what I’ll do. I know I deserve it, but it’s not the most effective route to take for either me or him. He needs me to start making connections outside the home, and I need to make them. It’s a step I have to take. And I will. I just don’t know where to start… I need to talk to God, I know that much at least.
*sigh* I’m just tired and sore. I want things to be straightened between us, but there’s a thorn in the side of our relationship that we’re beginning to enjoy too much, I’m afraid. Why do I act the way I do? Why is it just then? 98% of the time I can keep it under control, it’s just under certain conditions… I know that’s what it is, we put ourselves in situations where we’re tempted too much. If only we could edge as close to the line as possible, because the times of stillness were unspeakably lovely. But the wall we were to never have crossed has become a line, easy to step over. The ramparts are crumbling, and we can’t rebuild them alone.
I’m not miserable, though. I know God will work things out. I have peace in my soul, just not in my heart or conscience. I don’t feel guilt, just a hope… such a bright, bright hope. We both know what needs to take place; where to start, we’ve just lied and said we didn’t have time to think about it now. Perhaps we don’t, but taking advantage of the situation certainly isn’t the way to go either.
I feel lifted, slightly. I need to swim in the Word of God and bask in His presence for a while, though. Yes, I do. :o)
Moping isn’t going to help.
Enough about me, though. Have a lovely trip, Elyse. Be sure to email me and send me a postcard or two to let me know how the job at McDonald’s is going. I’ll see you in the springtime, if not before. With affection–
would you like fries with that?