arcturus
The scent of her hair and her clothes still lingers in my own. I draw my nose to my thin undershirt and remember the evening. I’m overwhelmed. Completely. I’m overwhelmed at my ability to produce such a response in another human being. I’m amazed to be sitting on the couch and to have this living, breathing entity with hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities and talents sleeping silently in my arms, a full gesture of her acceptance of me. I stare at her beautiful profile, the slow curve of her dark hair as it sweeps over her cheek and her eyelashes drawn together. I marvel at it all. I marvel at her, at this attraction I don’t understand, this “way of a man with a woman” that puzzled even Solomon. I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever fully be used to, nor do I want to be.
I feel so ill-equipped for the task of fatherhood. I hadn’t even remotely considered it until now, and now… I want so badly to be able to connect with Luke but I’ve no idea how to do that. I understand a measure of what Diane feels since she’s frustrated by his lack of inclination to communicate. And he’s her heart. Her heart. There’s so much of her that’s wrapped up in him, and rightly so, as it should be, and I want to connect with them both through that. Father, help me to remember what it was like to be a little boy… I need your supernatural empowering in this, Lord. Goodness knows I feel my lack of relational ability. This is my first real glimpse inside a mother’s heart, and what I see astonishes me… Her life curves around his like gravity bends time and space around a distant star. The depth of the connection there, the concern–it goes infinitely deeper than those frothy, tenuous bonds we sometimes call friendship, or even romance…
Am I meant for this, Lord? Yes I have talents and abilities and experiences enough but sometimes I feel like a brain surgeon called on to perform the task of a concert violinist–both may be incredibly talented in their way but that talent does not range across the board. Am I meant for this? I want to be. So much.
And I need to tell my stories too, so badly… I felt this keenly on the way home tonight. That’s what it was. But patience, I hear, patience. Her and Luke’s needs come first. Lord give me the wisdom, grace and diligence to be who I need to be in this season.