Why do women like men? What’s attractive about men? It’s the most mystifying thing imaginable. I can’t fathom it to save my life, and it’s probably a good thing. Kissing a boy? Wanting to be held by a boy? What is there in that that’s inherently appealing? I don’t see it at all. Men are crude, and insensitive, and coarse, and everything else under the sun. I just don’t get it. I think I’m finding it harder and harder to visualize how a woman would be attracted to me, since it’s been so long, especially since there’s been any mutual attraction. I don’t let myself become infatuated as easily, either, as I used to–that’s probably part of it–I guard my emotions very carefully from the time where I used to obsess constantly over one particular girl for a few weeks or months and then move on to the next. It’s not like that anymore, but at the same time I feel like I’m forgetting things that that kept up, that that mindset helped my practice, so to speak.
I think I just want someone to fall in love with. Someone with whom a real possibility exists. I have nothing; no one.