Kyle wants to set me up with Kathryn. It’s a nice gesture, and she’s really sweet, but… no.
I haven’t steadily dated anyone (to the point of having a “girlfriend”) since Erin and I broke up in September of 2002 after dating on-again off-again for about 2 years. I think this is the longest hiatus I’ve had since I started dating in the first place (Adria, summer 1996).
I don’t think I’ll ever date while I’m still around here, in this area. It almost feels like there are too many unconscious expectations placed on the concept. Of course they shouldn’t have too much of a bearing on the whole thing, and they don’t, but I’d be lying if I said they never crossed my mind. I do sometimes wonder what the church body, my family, my group of friends, etc, would think if I started dating so-and-so. Would she fit into my circle of friends (as much as I have one)? How would we complement each other vis-a-vis the church? What would people think? What if I wanted to date somebody who wasn’t from around here? A different denomination? A different mindset completely? How would a substantial age difference be viewed? And so on and so forth… These are some of the questions that run through my mind occasionally. They don’t matter in the long run, of course, but when one is completely unattached, one can’t help thinking about all the variables involved in a relationship, even the minor ones such as these, and how in an ideal scenario it would be better to avoid arousing the objections of others altogether, if possible. Some conflict is a healthy thing, of course, but these are the things that have more potential to turn into longstanding issues. But who knows.
I feel so stagnant here sometimes. My family is pretty well-established in the church and in the community at large (especially the homeschool community) and many times I’ve heard phrases like, “Oh, you’re one of the Suffern boys,” or “Your mom/dad is so great,” or “I know your brother! I did [X] with him recently,” and while I’m amazingly honored by such things, sometimes I want to be just me, unattached, a singular entity making my way in the world, making my own ties in the church and in the community. Sometimes I just want to be far away and call home and tell my parents I’ve met somebody and not have them privy to the whole process of establishing the relationship in the first place (which they inevitably are through any number of sources). I don’t know. Now that I write these things out it all seems so awfully trivial. I love my family, and when it comes down to it they’re really not overbearing at all. But it doesn’t lessen the desire to move away, to feel the thrill of “me vs. the world” in a broader sense, to have less of a circumstantial safety net, as it were. And I have a feeling all that will come to pass sooner rather than later.
A note to encourage…
I’ve noticed that, if God really intends for you to be with a person… those issues you’re mentioning? He’ll work them out. The process (at least in my life) hasn’t always been 100% pleasant, but looking back… it’s all been 100% worth it.
And anyhow, I wouldn’t necessarily call what you’re going through trivial at all… I kind of think that enveloping sense of ‘family everywhere’ can get as claustrophobic as a small room! But then again, as I’m seeing my family members begin to scatter across the states… I realize that I’m really going to miss it.
And don’t worry -as much- about what other people think about ‘your person’ … they’re not the ones who have to live with ’em if you ever decide to get married! ;)
“if the birds and the flowers survive”
It’s not trivial.
Are you still planning to go to PBS? For the missionary aviation schooling? If so, when will that be? (Sorry for so many questions. Don’t feel obligated to answer them.)
I had a good bit typed out about how I empathize with how you feel about your family being well-established in the church and community, but after reading what I’d typed it didn’t make any sense… heh. Suffice it to say, I understand.
Hope you’re having an good day :)
sorry, I always forget the no HTML tags in the subject line rule
I’ve been thinking about that too. It’s not just you that’s under all these “expectations” and the magnifying glass. Mom wants her to be this way, dad wants her to be this way, Gran would like her to be from an Ivy League school, your friends, your church, etc… I think Paul is under that big time. And the way he is, always trying to make everyone happy, he’ll never really go for it until he’s out from under everything.
Going to France this past summer was an extremely freeing experience. There, I did what I wanted with whomever I wanted. There were consequences obviously, but there wasn’t this big eye watching everything.
To be honest, I think that once we get out of here (i.e. move somewhere else)…if we do, things will come easier. That’s just a thought. I don’t really know. I’m stuck here for a couple more years anyways.
I agree, it’s not trivial. I can empathize somewhat, because while my town wasn’t small, people definitely knew other people, and most of them knew me. I was glad to get away and head to Orlando, but I still don’t like this big-city feel so much. As a college student, it’s okay, but after I graduate, I want to get back to somewhere where I am comfortable with who I am and everyone around me.
As an aside, I’ve never actually agreed to being set up, although I’ve introduced so many of my friends who ended up dating each other.
What denomination, out of curiousity?
Thanks :) It’s nice to hear an understanding voice from someone “in the throes of it,” as it were. I hope everything is well with you.
Strange how lyrics from that song pop into my head rather frequently these days. That song and “Somewhere North.”
PBC? Yes, I am. They finally received everything they need and are processing my application right now. I should hear back very soon about it. Pray for that, if you would.
I want to move there (Winston-Salem, NC) in about nine months. I was thinking about it the other day, and drawing the comparison with our trip to Europe earlier this year, and thinking about what really motivated me to start digging into organizing the details of that trip was the act of actually buying the (non-refundable) tickets. Something about totally committing yourself works wonders for motivation. In that light, I think I’m going to start actively planning to move out there if/when I hear back with the good news from PBC–as in contacting friends out there, letting them know that I’m in it 100%, and looking for a place to stay. We’ll see how it goes.
Have a great day, Em :)
I don’t know that I hash over certain specific qualities that I’d like her to have in light of Mom and Dad and everybody, it’s more just some vague sense of, “Will they like her?” I dunno. I tell myself that things like that don’t really matter too much, and it doesn’t even feel like they do, but maybe they play more of a role than I’m aware of? Who knows.
I totally agree about Paul. Funny thing is I don’t know if he’ll be out from under everything even if he moves out to Colorado or someplace, since we’ll always have those ties. But I’m willing to wager that it would do wonders for him.
You were different when you came back from France; I could tell it really affected you in a positive way. It was neat to see.
I’ll miss the Sunday lunches when we all move away, but it’s definitely in the cards for all of us at some point, I know. At least I know that there’s no way we’d be estranged from each other for years and years or something like that. Well, so long as I get a cell phone, haha :)
I had a feeling you’d understand where I was coming from on this one :)
Evangelical? Apostolic? I’m not sure what to call it. Solidly grounded in Reformed theology, obviously, but with allowance made for the continuation of all the gifts of the Holy Spirit in the contemporary church and an emphasis (in a leadership sense) on the fivefold giftings in ministry outlined in Ephesians. Very, very mission-focused, etc etc. Here’s the church website.
What about you?
I love Caedmon’s Call and their ever so appropriate lyrics.
Hahah, yeah, PBC. :) There’s a huge private school here called PBS (Parkview Baptist School), so pardon my typo. It’s good to hear that you’ve put you application in and everything. You’re definitely in my prayers, like always.
How far is Winston-Salem from Chapel Hill? You’re very right about buying the tickets. I did the same thing (though on a much smaller scale) with my trip to Seattle and my upcoming trip to VA. Had to actually make buy the tickets… otherwise I will make excuses (don’t have the time, too expensive) and end up not going. Goodness, I’m tired, so please disregard my inability to format a proper sentence.
I personally cannot wait to move far, far away. It will be nice to be less known, ya know?
Thank you. This day has the potential to be good, albeit extremely busy. Class, biology test, Arts and Crafts fair, work…
Hope you’re having a lovely morning. Take care. :)
Hmmm, I’ll have to study that website. I’d love to know how that church’s beliefs work :)
I was raised in the Methodist and Presbyterian churches, then confirmed and baptized in the Methodist church. I attended youth groups in Baptist and Assemblies of God churches, but was still at United Methodist church every Sunday. Dated a guy from the Church of Christ, argued and studied with him for quite awhile. Then attended a Presby church, hated it. Now I’m attending worship in a Baptist church and working at a Baptist bookstore.
But DON’T call me Baptist.
I really wish I could find a better church to plug into :-/
. . . you don’t have a cell phone? . . . .
No, I don’t. Not yet at least. It’s tragic.
I’ve just never really been all that attached to the idea of being available at any given moment, though I suppose I could always screen the calls. Between that, the fact that I really really stink at talking on the phone, and the monthy bill, it’s just something I never got around to.
I’m definitely behind the times :)
It’s hard to find a church that feels like home. When I lived in Florida I looked around for a month or two before finding a church where I felt like I belonged. It actually turned out to be one of the biggest reasons I regretted leaving, since the church I found (New Life Community Fellowship in Jacksonville) was fantastic.
So I can relate. I’ll be praying for you about that. And I won’t call you Baptist :)
I’m such a social person that my phone has well over 1,000 used minutes a month. I guess that’s why it’s hard for me to believe that people still don’t have cell phones.
I enjoy the thought of everyone having their own personal number, though. If I want a particular member of my family, I will dial their cell phone numbers instead of calling the house. That is, unless I want to speak with my youngest brother, who doesn’t have a cell phone.
I like being accessible, though. When I’m not at home, it’s a security blanket. I can get ahold of whoever I want or need, and they can get ahold of me. When I turned 16, it was something my mother insisted upon because I was driving a car, and if I needed help, I could call her.
But anyway, I’m still astounded :)