werther’s caramels
Natalie Merchant’s “Carnival” on the headphones:
Fall ’96, blaring out of the PA system at the North Carolina State Fair. On the top of the Ferris wheel with Aaron, Jason, Cara and Natalie. Hot day, sticky painted plastic seat. Hearing the screams and yells from the pirate ship ride nearby. High school feelings, posturing, uncertainty, unnamed desires… Wanting the girls on the ride to like you, but you wouldn’t date them if they did; it would just be some kind of validation. But then again, you don’t know what you’d do; you haven’t even thought that far through the whole thing; all you know is the yearning for something. Thoughts about family, school, the future and the all-encompassing activity that was Odyssey of the Mind. Velcro sandals, khaki shorts and a nerdy, patterned polo shirt.
I often wish my journal entries went back that far. I have a few hand-written entries from a senior year English class assignment, but that’s about it. All I have is what’s in my head.