this is the right turn, wrong universe
I feel like the house is wasted on me. Especially this time of year. Don’t get me wrong–I’m as grateful as I can be for my parents’ assistance in acquiring and fixing up the place, but beyond that… One whole wall in my bedroom is still completely bare after four months. I haven’t made the slightest effort to put up anything Christmasy–no tree, no lights. Why? I just feel like I can’t justify the expense. Heck, my DVD player broke a couple of weeks ago and I can’t even justify the expense of a $25 DVD-ROM drive for my ancient computer (the cheapest option) so I can watch something besides my meager library of VHS tapes again. $25 is half a week’s worth of groceries and lunches. I don’t know. I feel the lack of visual Christmas spirit around the house, but whatever instinct embedded in me that compels me to be frugal overrides almost everything else. The house isn’t a shell…quite. Preventative maintenance and upkeep, but it certainly hasn’t made the transition from house to home. I’ve no idea when, if ever, that change will occur.
I’m commitment-shy. A lot of it ties into a mindset that I have, and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s about compromise, specifically, in terms of life situations and directions. Let me explain. Presently, I’m enrolled in a course of study and headed in a direction that admits very little in the way of compromise. My finances are tightly controlled, my schedule from month to month and semester to semester is wrapped around this rigid academic path I’m following. And even after I’m done, having gotten all my ratings and hours and experience and ready to beat a path to the mission field overseas, life will be much the same as it has been–little foreseeable financial security, possible frequent moves and most likely quite a few highs and lows of spirit along the way. There’s really no other way, at least that I can see, to do things. I’d be happy to be wrong.
And the implications for any long-term relationship I would enter are profound. My hunch is that any sort of career she would endeavor to pursue would have to be very flexible in terms of location, among other things. If, for example, she were a teacher or a nurse or a businessperson tied down to a specific area, matters would be difficult if we had to move suddenly. And it’s a catch-22 in terms of attraction as well, since those women I’m most strongly attracted to are those who do have a vision and direction for their life, even if it’s just over the very near term. But it would be the most difficult situation to mesh and compliment my life to a woman’s with the attribute of a well-formed vision of her own. If there’s a virtue for being direction-less (and this goes for those with underformed personalities as well) it’s that one’s life situation is more malleable and conformable to the eventual partner’s. I want someone who is profoundly individual, then, but in taking that stance I despair of finding someone whose individuality (or at least those parts of it defined by their situation in life) can be maintained while pursuing a relationship.
Even as I’m typing this, I’m aware that those things (compromise, wholesale career shifts) are not uncommon to marriages and other types of relationships. At the same time, though, I’m met with an overwhelming sense that it would be the last thing I could ask her to do. How could I ask her to put her vision for her life, her dreams on hold for the sake of our relationship? How could I ask her to sacrifice her vision so that mine could go forward? Is this an inevitability? Am I clinging too tightly to my own path in life? Is this all just some sort of arrogant presumption or massive double standard? Or is it a legitimate concern?
Clearly, I mull over these things far too much.
When you love someone, you make a choice to.
When you love someone enough, you do it selflessly.
Everything’s relative, but the heart wants what it wants.
If you want to give, you will.
An ideal relationship is reciprocal; if you give, they give.
i don’t think it’s as easy as “if you really love them, you’ll want to compromise.” more and more that seems naive or idealistic to me. my ambitions are important to me. they help define who i am. some of them are compromisable if the guy’s ideas are even cooler than mine, but some are so central to who i am, i can’t give them up without part of me dying a little inside.
case in point: i love my boyfriend and i’m wonderfully happy in our day to day life. but if he moves to india permanently, i won’t be able to go. it’s not that i don’t love him, or that i don’t love him enough. it’s just that my need of my family and of the place where i grew up is too great. (just as it is for him, which is why he would go back in the first place)
there are things in this world bigger than who you wake up with every morning. it becomes less agonizing in the long run if you don’t believe in soul mates, but instead believe that you could live a fufilling life with any one of a number of equally qualified people.
Oh I know… And I would give and compromise in a heartbeat, but at least from what I can see, I can only maintain my current direction in life and compromise (or “give”) but a very little. There’s the rub.
Maybe it shouldn’t be that way. Maybe I should be willing to give it all up for the sake of a relationship. It’s hard to be open to that possibility when everything about me is focused on a particular goal, though.
I had a hunch you’d understand. To paraphrase you, I think the line, “If you truly love someone you’ll do anything for them,” is bogus… Relationships really seem to take an intimidating amount of self-knowledge in order to work, let alone knowledge of the other person’s deep-held values and ambitions. Well, at least in order to have any chance of surviving over the very long term as we seek to live out those ambitions.
The trick, then, would be to find someone whose path in life parallels my own to the closest possible degree. But with every day that slips by that possibility seems more remote.
there are things in this world bigger than who you wake up with every morning.
I tend to agree, but I keep coming back to that quote, “The beginning of adulthood and maturity is the death of narcissism,” and the implications that an outward focus and the prioritizing of others’ needs above my own should be something to aspire to in every corner of my life… Including my dreams and ambitions.
I don’t know. As you can tell it’s something I’m wrestling with.
The beginning of adulthood and maturity is the death of narcissism.
i think this happens when you have children, and that somewhat violent beast of protection stirs in your breast and you realize you’d sacrifice anything for the small life you hold in your hands.
although personally i’ve always wondered if i’d really sacrifice anything for my children. my own self-preservation instinct is selfishly strong…i’ve always been a little afraid if it came down to being between me and my child, i’d reason to myself that i could always have more kids…then i’d save myself. that would probably change once i actually had a kid. i hope.
The trick, then, would be to find someone whose path in life parallels my own to the closest possible degree.
arindam says that if we don’t work out and/or he goes to india, he’ll probably go straight into an arranged marriage (b/c he’ll be sick of failing at love matches). he argues that arranged marriages are actually high in likelyhood that you’ll get along well, and lifelong, with your mate, as there is a thorough selection process that basically aligns you with someone with the same background, economic class, social class, culture, expectations, ambitions, etc, as you. that subtracts a world of things for you to argue over later in life, thus paving the way for a peaceful union (theoretically).
perhaps you should look into it, eh?
hahaha
The reinstitution of arranged marriages has been argued for quite persuasively in some circles. Of course, those who do the arguing are usually also those who maintain that “romantic love” is an obstacle, if not an outright liability, in a relationship.
As for me, I’m not quite there yet. Arindam, kudos on your more evolved sensibilities :)
I always hate when I end up in the wrong Universe…
The only “words of wisdom” I have to add is this:
I keep reminding myself that search for a relationship with someone doesn’t come before continued search for a deeper relationship with God. And I have to feel that in pursuing God and what God wants me to do with my life, He’ll have someone else going along my path eventually. Just gotta be patient and look side to side every now and then! I don’t have a lot of life experience in this area (having never really dated), but that’s my two cents all the same!
Hope you have a great Wednesday!! Is your budget going to allow you to go tonight? NARNIA AND THE NORTH! (Oh wait, wrong book…)
Love can blossom in the strangest of ways, chili on a Saturday afternoon for instance !!
I have been reading this thread with interest and finally decided to add something to the mix.
Firstly, though I’m from India, I have always been totally against the concept of an arranged marriage because and only because traditionally you are getting married to someone who your parents think is right for you and not necessarily you.
On the other hand, I see huge advantages also for all the reasons Lindsey mentioned. Of course, that doesn’t mean that all of that adds upto a succesful relationship either. But then love marriages in terms of figures don’t necessarily score over arranged marriages and I’m talking in terms of length in years. So then you can argue for both ends.It’s highly subjective.
One of the major jolts to my belief system in “love matches” have been all the failed relationships I have been part or witness of and it has made me see the other side of arranged marriages. Their success rate is tremendous and I’m envious of all my friends in India who have a single family to go to for the holidays and not disjointed members.I don’t want to see my children facing the same situation. What is the way out then ? And after all this search for this perfect mate, it all comes down to cold logic rather than love.
I mean I would argue that even America is getting into arranged marriages/relationships in a big way. Just visit any of the dating/mate-match sites. What you will find is a series of questions and answer boxes to be ticked. In fact, 100% similar to an arranged marriage website from India.
What is it trying to do ?
The answer is align your interests/personality/social aspects with your prospective partner’s.
arindam says that if we don’t work out and/or he goes to india, he’ll probably go straight into an arranged marriage (b/c he’ll be sick of failing at love matches).
That’s one of my reasons, the other being the fact that I just can’t live by myself and therefore the argument that if relationships don’t work I should just be on my own rather than get into an arranged marriage, doesn’t stand. Inspite of all my non-traditional beliefs, in some aspects, I’m a very non-original male, meaning I need to satisfy a lot of my needs. Mainly, I want someone whom I can take care of more than the fact that I need someone to take care of me. I need someone who will satisfy me emotionally and physically and whom I can return the favour to. I do want to do my family genes a favour, I don’t want it to stop at me. And there are several other reasons.
In short, the search for a perfect relationship has no tangibles and too much thinking doesn’t help.
For me the only thing that I trust above everything else is IMPULSE and INSTINCTS. And that’s the only reason Lindsey and I are where we are.
Good quote and your point is well taken. My knee-jerk, gut reaction to that is that it’s so abstract and requires some shoehorning into my day-to-day and the specifics of the situations that I’m in. But then I realize I’m prioritizing my relationships in the reverse order of importance from the way they should be. The vantage point you mention, instead of being brought in after I’ve made determinations about my grid of relationships from a wholly human perspective, should instead be the starting point, an initial frame of reference, a lens through which to filter my viewpoint on friendships. My relationship with Him really should come first.
Yes, I’ll be there tonight. Looking forward to it :) Further Up and further In! (Woops, wrong book again…)
it still stands that the heart wants what it wants. if you want someone, you’ll put yourself into keeping them. if you want other things more, you’ll put yourself into keeping those.
as zooromancer declares, in some cases there are other needs to be met. if one person is enough to meet your needs, they will. and if not, then that’s not your kind of relationship.
if so much of your identity rests on other goals, what you want will have to work with it, not against it. said relationship must work with it. there’s no it should be this way or that – it’s whatever you want most. but figuring out what you desire above all else is the respect that makes calamity of so long life.
Great response! Just a couple of comments:
I have always been totally against the concept of an arranged marriage because and only because traditionally you are getting married to someone who your parents think is right for you and not necessarily you.
True, but the point will be raised that oftentimes a more objective third party, in this case the parents, can sometimes have a better perspective in terms of choosing a mate. They’re distanced from the emotional fog of the eventual marriage partners (the “pink mist”) and are in a better place to judge economic, social and personal compatibility. There’s an element of “knowing us better than we know ourselves.” That said, I’ve never in my wildest fancies contemplated an arranged marriage and can’t say I ever will.
One of the major jolts to my belief system in “love matches” have been all the failed relationships I have been part or witness of and it has made me see the other side of arranged marriages.
What we see around us all the time, the statistics, etc, can certainly be discouraging when contemplating the feasability of marriage. But somehow that doesn’t deter me in the least from the concept of marrying for love. Sure I could look at the percentages and calculate my odds of staying married based on them, but in my view it’s not a crapshoot. It’s not roulette. Just because people get divorced more frequently than they ever have doesn’t mean the underlying concept is flawed, just the execution of it.
For me the only thing that I trust above everything else is IMPULSE and INSTINCTS.
Interesting take. I’m curious about how you build a long-term relationship around sentiments as transient as impulse and instinct. Do you trust your instincts to remain unchanged as far as your relationship is concerned? How do you tell the difference between an issue to work through and a definite red flag signaling the end? Your perception of your instincts must be highly developed to be able to distinguish between the two.
(the above paragraph is not meant to be patronizing or sarcastic in any way–I’m honestly curious)
…..I’ve never in my wildest fancies contemplated an arranged marriage and can’t say I ever will.
I totally understand this sentiment and as much as i talk for arranged marriages, I don’t think I would ever be able to buy into the concept totally. Most of the times my advocation for arranged marriage is related to dissapointment on the other end or just a case of logic working over emotion.
It’s not roulette.Just because people get divorced more frequently than they ever have doesn’t mean the underlying concept is flawed, just the execution of it.
I totally agree , I’m just saying either form has the same possibility of success. You can’t wait for the law of averages to work in your favour and my arranged marriage talk is just another way of looking at long-term relationships which maybe somewhat primitive or medieval.
Interesting take. I’m curious about how you build a long-term relationship around sentiments as transient as impulse and instinct.
I never build relationships on impulse and instinct, I start out on relationships with them. Relationships can only be built on two things – trust and mutual support.
Do you trust your instincts to remain unchanged as far as your relationship is concerned?
And no we all know our instincts can be wrong and conflicting. Problems arise when my instincts and expectations don’t match the result.But instincts hep me develop a sense of comfort about the other person.
How do you tell the difference between an issue to work through and a definite red flag signaling the end? Your perception of your instincts must be highly developed to be able to distinguish between the two.
This is really simple for me. I have to answer just one question ” Will solving/compromising with this so called difference change some part of my intrinsic personality ?”
If it is, then it’s a red flag because I have realized thru’ past experiences that it’s very difficult for people to expect to change their nascent self. I don’t want to do it. It doesn’t make me happy. Sooner or later, a fight happens and each one starts listing out somewhat grudgingly all the compromises they made for each other.
I saw it on Tuesday night with Rachel. I was impressed. I kept getting glimpses of the BBC version in my head from time to time. Lots of computer animation, but well done I thought. It’s kind of fun digging around for the Christian symbolism…many times you don’t have to dig too far. Enjoy!
It was very good, I thought. The third act of the movie and the battle scenes were where it really came into its own. Glad you enjoyed it :) See you this weekend!
I know this was forever ago, but I thought it was interesting that Diane had the same response as me! : ) I guess it’s a girl thing. We love the analogy, maybe?