{"id":844,"date":"2005-02-24T10:37:00","date_gmt":"2005-02-24T15:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/?p=844"},"modified":"2005-02-24T10:37:00","modified_gmt":"2005-02-24T15:37:00","slug":"dont-panic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/?p=844","title":{"rendered":"don&#8217;t panic"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><!--more The Wine Saga\u2122--><\/p>\n<p>THE WINE SAGA <\/p>\n<p>*insert long instrumental intro here, composed by Philip Glass.  Brian Eno works too.  Just not Danny Elfman.*<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/old\/winesaga\/ws1.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p>Take one bottle of Georges DuB\u0153uf M\u00e2con Villages, a full-flavored and versatile white wine&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/old\/winesaga\/ws2.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p>Take one weird\/freaky\/crazy\/I-can&#8217;t-believe-they-sell-stuff-like-that\/and-yet-somehow-cute wine bottle outfit, complete w\/hat (courtesy Mademoiselle Elyse)&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/old\/winesaga\/ws3.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p>Assemble the aforementioned to produce our protagonist antihero in this epic, nine-picture-long saga. (the garments fit him perfectly, I might add).<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/old\/winesaga\/ws4.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p>Franco-Chinese WineMan decides to shoot the breeze with Tube-of-Candy-Stuck-Up-His-Butt SpongeBob (ironically, both WineMan&#8217;s outfit and the entirety of SpongeBob were probably manufactured in the same place).<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/old\/winesaga\/ws5.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p>CrazyKat decides he wants a piece of the conversation, but turns out to be quite the dullard, with ill-founded opinions and a really messed up view of the Madagascarian parliament.  <\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/old\/winesaga\/ws6.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p>So WineMan decides to take matters into his own hands and force-feeds CrazyKat a full tube of automotive fuel tank sealer goop.  &#8220;Tastes like guacamole,&#8221; says CrazyKat, as he falls into a coma.<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/old\/winesaga\/ws7.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p>And dies.  In the rain.<\/p>\n<p>And there was much rejoicing.<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/old\/winesaga\/ws8.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p>WineMan decides to celebrate by going skiing.  Well, not really&#8230;he just like to dress the part.  But don&#8217;t tell him that&#8211;you might find yourself staring down the barrel of a loaded tube of fuel tank sealer goop.  And you don&#8217;t want that.  THE END.<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/old\/winesaga\/ws9.jpg\"><\/p>\n<p>Here&#8217;s your intrepid narrator in this harrowing tale of loss, redemption, and the power of the human spirit.  Oscar nominations have been pouring in (most I suspect are forged, but hey, I can brag about it just the same).<\/p>\n<p>*bows*<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/844"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=844"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/844\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=844"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=844"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.boldulysses.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=844"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}