the sun always rises
Between my conversations with Greg, and the Mark Charles lecture earlier this evening, I feel seen by significant cohort of a faith community the way I haven’t a long while. They’re both committed Christians, deeply troubled (especially so in Charles’ case) by certain aspects of Scripture, and both either undergoing, or have undergone a process of “soft deconstruction” (to use Greg’s framing). I’ll admit, it felt really affirming to have Greg suggest having lunch again this week; I didn’t have to initiate anything. I want to pepper him with questions about the Mark Charles lecture, especially with respect to Charles’ perspective on Scripture (how he reconciles his repudiation of the God of the OT and his declaration that he’s not throwing out the Bible) and his consistent use of the gender-neutral term “Creator” for God, knowing that Greg holds—and is accountable to hold!—an orthodox view of these things. It feels appropriate that he was the one I turned to in the midst of my existential angst 5 years ago.
It’s funny, I remember wishing just a few months ago that I could find similar-minded people who were, like me, trying to square the circle, and it seems I may have found them, or at least folks who won’t be unsettled by questions that strike at core tenets of orthodoxy. Is it enough? No—but at least I’m able to pray again, to relate to God again in a way that was suppressed, crushed for the past couple of months. I felt those lines of communication opening back up again after my initial lunch with Greg, felt panicky after the first church service, but reassured after the second. I was even able to take communion this morning for the first time in ages.
I still have a lot of work to do. I’m still so far from being outwardly-focused like I should be, even as I try to strike the balance between that and self-preservation through time alone. But I think, hope, pray that I can augur a path forward. More to come.