Once upon a time there was a single can of tomato sauce and its name was Guido. His greatest ambition in life was to become the drummer in a rock band. He practiced day and night, inspired by great rock drummers like John Bonham, Neal Peart, Keith Moon and Carter Beauford.
Guido got so good that he memorized the drum parts for every song ever recorded. He sent demo tapes to 351 bands, who were in awe of his proficiency but didn’t want him in their band when they discovered he was a can of tomato sauce.
He considered this horribly “cannist,” but kept on sending out demo tapes until one day when a punk band called Slime Patrol heard his demo and decided that a tomato can drummer was “so punk” and exactly what they wanted. He jammed with them and it went perfectly.
They wrote a few songs and played some shows, but Guido was dismayed by Slime Patrol lifestyle, smashing up hotel rooms, getting drunk and writing graffiti at all hours of the night. He wanted to fit in, and he discovered that his sauce looked like blood…
…so his graffiti scrawl was the best of all of them. Slime Patrol recorded an album and it shot to the top of the charts, and Guido was the most famous drummer in the world. But his mother, Ms Esmerla saw his interviews and read his articles and learned about his lifestyle.
So she decided she would march down to his hotel room, sit him down and give him a good talking-to. When she was done, Guido knew he was wrong, and all the fame and success wasn’t worth compromising his principles. He went back to the band to tell them his decision…